The Lack Of "in-between" Productivity & Therapy

[HappyJock]

As I've mentioned before, I see a new social worker -- as well as my current intern social worker until she leaves. Here's what scares me:

• I see lack of productivity without therapy; racing thoughts, suicidal ideations and dwelling on my future and how much I've lost to PTSD. Mind you, when I say "without" therapy, I simply mean in between sessions.

• I don't know yet, but I may have a personality disorder from the memory loss and feeling like two different people with two different core beliefs as well as some BPD symptoms.

My trouble is that when I'm in therapy, often times it's as if I'm "this other person" and this part of me avoids talking, lies and gives minimal details. Now, when I say lies, it's as in leaving important information out that could get me the help I need -- and if I print this, the likelihood of me allowing myself to take it to her will be 0%. The problem with this, is that I'll feel like the real me very briefly within a single month period. Let's say this "me" is who I am or let myself be at 7:00 and I realize how much help I need, I realize, well... it's 7:00 and I won't see her until next week. That's it -- it's over. I don't stay that person for longer than maybe an hour. Then, this angrier and more defensive side is what I'm reverted to.

I don't know if anyone can relate -- it's definitely a confusing situation and I don't really know what to do here. Part of me thinks more intense therapy would work (twice a week) but then part of me also thinks it'll not happen because it's something I'd never ask for in my right mind, or who I am when I enter the session. So, it's as if therapy once a week helps, but I revert badly back to who I am afterwards and then can't get the help needed.

 

[Friday]

My defense mechanisms come out hard core whenever I attempt any kind of therapy -or anything, really- surrounding trauma-schtuff.

How it manifests varies.

In school? I simply got up in the middle of class & walked out. Wasn't really super aware of it at the time, but as a hyper-anal 4point student in a competitive degree? My simply walking out, missing the lectures, not doing the reading, and what I couldn't common-sense the answer to taking the hit on the tests? Yeah. I'd have to be an idiot not to notice that pattern as it repeated quarter after quarter. :facepalm:

MFT (Marriage & Family Therapist) who I was beyond comfortable with -and who spent a solid year attempting to convince me to seek PTSD treatment- it ranged from super-smiley-stepford (I'm fine... Deflect, deflect, deflect)... To outright denial (Look. I'm here because of XYZ, not ABC. It's not the ABC. Period. Done. End of conversation. It's the XYZ. Can we focus on that, please? Or, you know, anything else???)

TraumaTherapy. Okay, okay, okay, MFT guy was dead in the black. Got so obvious with the addition of a super gnarly trigger that even I couldn't deny it anymore (& I am the Empress of Denial. I'm fine.). Sigh. Anyhow, I'm highly motivated to sort this shit and what do I do? STFU. For real. Couldn't talk if my life depended on it. :banghead: The more I try? The worse it gets. Can't talk, can't think, puking in the parking lot, just an overall freaking disaster. Faaaaaawk. Try again. And again and again and again. Just. Can't. Talk.

There are a few other ways, too, but essentially my avoidance? Gets really, really bad surrounding trauma-schtuff. A big part of the reason why I'm here day in & day out is working on just that.