It's wonderful that you love and wish to help your hubby. That's natural and shows how lucky he is.
Please know that I am very over sensitive to abuse and manipulation because of my own issues, so my perspective is skewed towards caution. If he truly treats you well, that's great.
My dad was very abusive to all of us, and insisted that everything be done his way or he'd belittle and shame us with invalidating comments, passive-aggressive behavior, and escalating violence. He was excellent at playing the victim and manipulating our perceptions about ourselves with comments like your spouse has made, leaving us feeling stupid, incompetent, and ashamed.
It got progressively worse over the decades. My Mom got so isolated and depressed she literally disappeared into her bedroom for weeks at a time, only dragging herself out when he was coming home to make everything spotless and his idea of perfect. She got cancer, and she knew it but refused to go to the doctor until it was too late. I think she just couldn't take it anymore.
I'm the highest functioning of my siblings, and that's not saying a whole bunch. I was raised to cater to his needs and become a serious co-dependent, spending my time trying to fix others problems, understand them, pity them, etc.
I was raised to think I could read the minds of people who "needed me." I thought I knew what they were thinking & feeling, and what they needed to be fixed. Having a dad who told me his negative feelings and acting out behaviors were all my fault didn't help. Having a co-dependent mom modeling putting all his needs first - no matter how damaging, unsafe, or frightening the situation- didn't help me learn that it's ok to have a self with my own boundaries, needs, wants, and comfort levels.
I found myself in many abusive relationships and always tried to change myself into being what they wanted me to be. It almost killed me.
The thing is, I had never experienced what a healthy relationship felt like. I didn't know that a healthy, loving person never belittles one's intelligence. That being with them rarely causes emotional pain from their words or actions. That I didn't have to walk on eggshells in my own home constantly just to accommodate his issues. That love means feeling safe and relaxed and valued without conditions. That it is possible and actually feels good to be in a home where small issues are kept small and big issues are just challenges that we can deal with together.
Co-dependency is an empathetic person's gift taken to the extreme where boundaries of self are not successfully maintained and self-nurturing progressively disintegrates. A co-dependent lives for another human being but at a high cost of giving up their own friends, hobbies, interests, time...essentially the important parts of life.
Growing up in a controlling environment is emotionally devastating for children. It's very harmful to an adult. Growing up with a co-dependent parent who manipulates everyone else to appease the controlling personality is just as bad, if not worse. A co-dependent expends much energy manipulating people, places, and things based upon the bizarre belief that we have some godlike power of easing the inner feelings of the controlling person.
An abusive person tries to indoctrinate a co-dependent into following their rules instead of allowing flexibility. They don't do it quickly or in such a manner as to alarm their target or the person they are drawing in would clearly notice. A little belittling here, a little gas-lighting there...some passive-aggressive push-pull, all the while giving intermittent rewards of affection, presents, and other rewards is all it takes. A person begins to doubt their own feelings and thoughts. Whether consciously or unconsciously, abusers are able to use sensitive, caring, empathetic people's good hearts against them to their own benefit. They may have no bad intentions but not realize that others have the right to live their own lives as they wish.
Whenever we believe we have the power to make anyone feel or think anything, it is not true. We can try, but human beings will think and feel based upon what is inside them, regardless of our efforts. If he tries to act like he's disappointed to the point of tears over a simple household chore, the problem isn't the chore.
There is a test whether or not a comment or behavior is abusive, and that is the sunlight test. Meaning, if other people in our life saw that behavior or heard that comment, would they find it odd, mean, rude, or over the top? If that situation were to happen in public, would I feel embarrassed, ashamed, fearful? If so, then something is not right. I'm not talking about the regular private things we'd rather not have shared, such as needing a new undergarment. But anything negative directed at us as a person.
Abusive people generally are quite different in public than they are in private. Healthy, stable people are generally consistent no matter where they are, though they may wear different hats.
There is a huge difference between saying "I prefer to have the floor kept tidy" and "You need to keep the floor tidy to the extremely particular standards, and here's the 27 steps in the exact order you need to do it in, or you'll make me angry/hurt/sad."
Hopefully it's the former. But if it ever becomes the latter, please know there is help available for both of you, and it's never too late to seek it out.
