The Next Best Step...

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have a huge issue with right and wrong. The fear of being wrong is so deeply seeded in me that I feel wrong in almost everything I do. I went to an inpatient treatment center last summer where I made a lot of progress with stabilization skills and working with parts with my dissociative identity disorder. My therapist there told me if I couldn't figure out what the "right" choice was, perhaps I could choose the next best choice. I couldn't wrap my head around that one either. My brain said, well that's totally illogical, I can't choose the next best choice if I don't know the right choice to begin with.

I have really been struggling lately with parts and with this right and wrong stuff. So much so that I have decided that the next best step is to go back to the inpatient treatment center. I feel completely wrong about this choice in so many ways- leaving my husband and 2 sons again, not telling my parents (yet), possibly spending lots of money just for me, and the list could probably go on. However, even though I am still struggling with right and wrong (I couldn't even pick out what to wear today because each choice seemed wrong and I wasn't even going anywhere other than to see my therapist), I have decided that going back is the next best step.

There is too much to deal with internally and still maintain my own safety so I am seeking help. I tried to seek help locally, but there is nothing trauma or DID specific so away I go again. Here's hoping it really is the next best step!

 

[hodge]

It sounds to me like you would make a good choice in going to more treatment. Yes, it's an expense in the short-term, but long-term it may really help. However, is there a non-profit mental health clinic near you? There is one I go to and I'm in a rural area. It offers an outpatient hospitalization program I went through. It was really good.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@hodge , thanks for sharing your thoughts. I have tried a lot of outpatient and inpatient settings nearby. There isn't anything that would work and I don't know of any non-profit mental health clinics. There is a crisis organization that has helped me a lot, but it's very short-term and just enough to keep me going, but not really long-term. That's why I think I am taking the next best step.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have a huge issue with right and wrong.

I dont know if this helps, but as always, gonna say it anyway. Lol :p

I dont like the terms 'right' or 'wrong'...unless obviosuly talking moral issue like its wrong to hurt another.

There is 'what you know' and 'the more correct option'. So gonna use myself here (as what to wear to therapy isnt really gonna fit in an example until the end).

So my 'what i know' about how to connect to people is through sexual advances. Is it 'the more correct option'? Likely not but its 'what i know'. Also 'what i know' is "everyone goes away". Is it "reality"; eh, for me in the past, yeah, but everyone incorporates every living soul on the planet, so id say likely not, but its 'what i know'.

Note: Im gonna have to use the site here because i cant think of another example right now but im not rehashing, just trying to help.

So since i had been here, up to last Thursday, i had never even had to usual thought of coming on to anyone here or being a bit provacative on here (i still never look at the gender of people on here and my brain oddly thinks most are male); likely because i respect (still do) others are in trauma here too but my brain was left searching for 'the next best option'...but it was like i was standing alone at a prom; had no clue what to do and each thing i did (i felt) was being 'rejected'; remember in there is 'everyone goes away'; so id try A; people got upset, tried B; people got more upset; tried C; even more upset so my brain defaulted to what it knew; being provocative; though really didnt even realize it was at the time, seriously i didnt. Or at least fidnt know it wasnt the 'correct way'. I think im just so used to this stuff that i dont notice im doing or saying or that its 'not the correct' way. I actually had to re-read it all about 8 times for it to even click.

So basically what im trying to say is knowing 'the more correct option' or 'the next best thing' doesnt require you know what the 'correct way' ("right") or 'not the correct way' ("wrong") to begin with. You learn it by trial and error.

Now that being said, im still learning and dont know if i know 'the more correct option' is yet BUT lets say you dressed all "wrong" going to your therapist in either extreme; lets say you wore all provacative stuff, or PJs, or something way mismatched and your therapist told you what a 'more correct option' would be then you'd know that "ok; i can go in jeans and a t-shirt next time, i get it"; right? I think thats what your therapist is talking about. Or at least thats how im learning it.

Im not saying you should or shouldnt go back in; im just trying to say that if you are taught "bad" is "good" and "good" is "bad" then its a learning of what is 'not the correct way' from feedback and what not and from there you build 'the more correct way' or 'next best opion'.

Does that make sense?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Does that make sense?

Yes, it does make sense. I am trying to get away from using the terms right and wrong for every situation because most situations don't have a right or a wrong. I will tell you just how silly it is. I was trying to decide between wearing overalls (which I had worn on Monday so felt that would be wrong) or yoga-type pants (which I have no idea why they were wrong). Thanks for sharing your input.

 

[scout86]

From what you've said before, I know this wasn't an easy decision! I'm kind of proud of you for having made it! (I think it's the "right" thing to do) When you came back here after the last time, it was obvious you'd made a lot of progress. Go for it, you're worth it!.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

From what you've said before, I know this wasn't an easy decision! I'm kind of proud of you for having m...

Thank you so much, @scout86 ! On my way in less than an hour, feeling nervous, but pretty sure about my decision.

 

[Leigh925]

I think you are teaching your kids a powerful lesson about taking care of themselves. So many of us never got that lesson. I overheard my youngest child tell a friend..."my mom broke the cycle". It made me feel proud. He is 18 and can see and understand now what he couldn't when he was smaller.

I wonder if you would feel guilt if you were going to the hospital to get your cancer, diabetes or heart issues under control? It really is no different.

I also think it is impressive that you are doing this before crisis strikes. You are seeing steps ahead and acting proactively....watching the signs and paying attention.

Sounds like a very positive thing to me!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I wonder if you would feel guilt if you were going to the hospital to get your cancer, diabetes or heart issues under control? It really is no different.

No its not! The stigma around mental issues is where the guilt & shame come in and it shouldnt be that way!

will tell you just how silly it is. I was trying to decide between wearing overalls (which I had worn on Monday so felt that would be wrong) or yoga-type pants (which I have no idea why they were wrong).

Not silly. You just havent had the experience that its 'ok' to wear something again you wore on Monday, so as long as its clean ;) So the experience when you come out again will be much needed. Its completely OK to do something 'not correct' so you can learn what is 'more correct'!

Thank you so much, Link Removed ! On my way in less than an hour, feeling nervous, but pretty sure about my decision.

Your body knows what it needs. Im positive you'll come back stronger and better! Proud of ya as volunteering to go inpatient isnt a very easy one! :hug:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am back and definitely in a better place. Took twice as long as I had hoped, but well worth it. Just got back this evening and everything seems so surreal. Thankfully, it was a happy reunion with my husband and kids so that helped make this really feel like coming home. Now I have my kitty sleeping on my arms as I type and I am realizing how much I missed her while I was gone. Thank you all for your support

 

[scout86]

I was just wondering about you earlier today. :) Welcome back!

 

[Leigh925]

I was thinking about you as well and wondering how things had gone. I'm so glad you had a happy reunion.