The next day

[whiteraven]

So...I've always been told if I sleep on it, things will look better the next morning.

I was suicidal last night, very upset and angry. I woke up this morning really sad I did and still suicidal. I can't kill myself because my cats depend on me, but I really, really want to die.

 

[ladee]

@whiteraven, you really really want the pain to end. I get that. But you may have to sleep on it for more than one night for that to change. Our wanting to die is usually proportional to the pain we are carrying.

Do you have a T? Are you on any medications? Do you feel that being hospitalized would keep you safe until this passes? These are things for you to consider besides ending your life.

I have been where you are, and very grateful I stayed with it, because it did pass, then I was able to address why I felt that way to begin with. And things did change. I changed. My thinking changed.

But I do HEAR you. Not trying to talk you out of anything, just saying you are not thinking in the grey area , you are thinking 'black and white'. And life is in the grey area, where we change and heal. Give yourself time to let this pass and get help. No shame in these feelings, and no shame in getting help.

 

[whiteraven]

Do you have a T? Are you on any medications? Do you feel that being hospitalized would keep you safe until this passes? These are things for you to consider besides ending your life.

I used to be actively suicidal a LOT. This is not that. This is just tired and wishing I weren't here anymore. No meds. They've done more harm than good. And yeah, my therapist and I are working on stuff.

I have been where you are, and very grateful I stayed with it, because it did pass, then I was able to address why I felt that way to begin with. And things did change. I changed. My thinking changed.

Thanks @ladee. I'm glad you saw change. I think I've been depressed so long (about 45 years) that I don't see anything changing at this point. My thinking in many ways *has* changed - I am much better than I used to be - but...

But I do HEAR you. Not trying to talk you out of anything, just saying you are not thinking in the grey area , you are thinking 'black and white'. And life is in the grey area, where we change and heal. Give yourself time to let this pass and get help. No shame in these feelings, and no shame in getting help.

Yeah, I think black and white sometimes, although much less than I used to. I'm always thinking in the grey area where everything else is concerned (I even have a blog that I write devoted to that grey zone), but I have intense pockets of anxiety and depression and craziness when I can't see it. I recognize it is a problem. Not sure how to fix it.

 

[FauxLiz]

@whiteraven I am sorry you are dealing with this, I too am a black and white thinker in relation to myself but grey for the rest of the world. I have gone to bed many an night telling myself it will be better tomorrow and eventually that does happen. I would be the worst person though to give you advice on how to deal with this as I general get to the grey area after many maladaptive coping mechanisms but I do want you to know that it gets better with time.

 

[blackemerald1]

@whiteraven - what is one thing that you can decide to change that will lighten the load and actually do? Just one little thing? :hug: