When they yell "I hate you!" I usually say, "Well, I LOVE you." This works even on other people's kids. I used to use that a lot on one of our friend's foster daughter.
If they tantrum or yell abuse when they're small, I sit on the floor by them and stare into space. Or, if they're hurting themselves, restrain them in a way that doesn't hurt until they wear themselves out. Have done this taking turns with my husband up to 45 minutes at a time with our daughter. She was a tough cookie! But she learned pretty quickly that tantrums are useless. I've also sat on the floor of the mall with my fingers locked around the wrist of a tantruming child while everybody stared. But whatever. I'm not abusing the kid. Just teaching them that a tantrum won't take control away from me and give it to them. Which is what I think they're really asking at that age. They want to know who's in charge. The answer should be: the parents. Only without, like, beating them. Right?
With older kids (like eight or nine & up) or other relatives I think tantruming and verbal abuse takes a different tactic. I figure tantrums come from two things: anger or frustration. If it's anger, the tantrum is a power play. I refuse to let them have power over me by walking away (for my parents) or sending them to time out (for my kids) and refusing to engage them until they are calmer and not shouting abuse. If the tantrum is from frustration, I think it works a lot like PTSD. Talking somebody down from a flashback. You just keep talking in a firm, calm voice. Telling them it's ok. Centering. Reinforcing that their behavior is not helping. Talking about the rules and strategies you've set up for dealing with this.
It sounds like this: "We agreed you weren't going to cuss at me when you're upset. You need to calm down. Do your breathing exercises. It upsets me when you cuss at me. If you keep it up, I'm going to have to send you to your room. Ok, you didn't stop. Go to your room now. If you don't go to your room this second, you lose computer time for the next week. Alright... you just lost your computer time. Are we going for a second week?"
I know my kids are more violent in their anger and frustration than they should be because I was such a messed up parent. And I've apologized to them many times. We talk when we're both calm about what happens when they get mad or frustrated. We role-play ways to get out of situations that are upset or frustrating. I have to do this a lot with my oldest. He's the one I've hurt the most, and he gets in these rages. But in the past three years, he's gotten a lot better. He's more self-aware. And as I keep showing him respect, he's more respectful to me.
Sorry this got so long.
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