The Pain Never Ends....There's only one solution. What did you do when you felt like this?

[Lost in the Woods]

I just have to hurt enough to make whatever treatment option work. If I hold back it won’t work. Ketamine therapy really helped set the stage for other modalities.

 

[kocean]

@Lost in the Woods thanks for your response.

ah think me saying treatment resistant has been misunderstood. I was referring to another responder saying they use gratitude and I was saying I do this too but this treatment does not work.

I'm hurting enough, engaging in therapy twice per week, psychodynamic psychotherapy, IFS, SE, 12-steps and reparenting work. I'm really not sitting here just feeling sorry for myself, I'm in pain, a lot of it because I am working hard but thats not all it is, its about relationships and community and I have none of that...

Yeh someone else mentioned Ketamine as well. did you go through an authorised provider or other means?

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I did 6 sessions in a clinic and one outside. In the clinic it was two injections and out of the clinic it was oral. The injections are much more powerful. For me it was very helpful.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

setting small goals and taking each day at a time. helps me when things are getting overwhelming. achievable goals keep me moving and focusing on one day at a time helps me not sink so deep into the hopelessness/overwhelm.
the goals can be anything as long as they’re simple and don’t take too long, then i set another one and they’re like stepping stones. little steps but im still moving, and towards things i know are possible.

 

[Skye.C]

When I read your post, I was really focused on 2 things that came to me. One was the fact that when I first started therapy, my therapist launched against the only person I trusted at the time, and I immediately understood she would never be able to help me because I didn't trust her. Another therapist broke down my defenses and survival techniques, but forgot to give me new tools, so I ended up in absolute fear which took a long time to recover from.
I eventually found a person who helped me tremendously, where not every session was a trigger but a solution on the way.
My point is - your therapist n e e d s to be a person you can trust, where the chemistry works. Especially doing PTD, where chemistry matters and how they move with you - because you lead the conversations.
What are your options for another therapist with the right experiences and knowledge that can help you out of the spiral? Please understand that I don't suggest you quit therapy, just choose another therapist if possible, if the current one doesn't "get" you.
That part is super important for getting through it.

The second thing that I thought of was what helped me. My view on life and why I'm alive. In my absolute darkest moments, when n o t h i n g has meaning, and I can't see any worth in myself, or my life, I remember my view even if I don't feel it. "I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm worthless, I'm broken beyond repair, I'm a f*ck-up, nobody cares."

If I'm blind to good, healthy outcomes, I think of this: "If I cannot See clearly, how can I trust what I see?"
And the answer is simple. I can't.
So I make no decisions when I'm in that state of mind. I wait it out. I work it out. I ask for help, I talk to people, I write.

Here, what you believe in, your faith if you have any, weigh heavily in the way you approach things. I'm not religious at all. I believe in Love and Hope. In Authenticity, in Empathy.
It's there anything in your belief system that makes a difference in you, that you can use to move forward in a better way for you?

 

[CazzTheGeek]

Hello

I've been suicidal for three years, everyday, non stop and had two attempts. I have no family, no friends, no partner, no support networks, no career. I don't have anything to tether me to this reality. The getting 'out there' chat sounds like bullshit when you life is like this, no one wants to know you because you dont have anything to offer them.

I've blown my life up in the last few years since my primary care giver died. A lot of trauma came to the surface and new memories but they came through subtly and it simply felt like something was slowly taking over me. in the process I lost creative career, dream of living by the sea and most importantly someone who I felt safe with, love by and loved. I lost her due to me abruptly ending which I came to understand as push before being pushed and connected to the grief. Two years later I went back to apologise it went well, I felt deeply sad but thought well at least in time we might keep in contact. She came back wanting to meet up and I was evasive and sidestepping in my response and she shut things down. Understandably, I look at the message now and wonder who wrote it. I didnt realise there was another aspect of me who is terrified of the closeness. Its seemed in this connection these new aspects would come online and there was no time for me to know them and reparent them, I couldn't tell her what I didnt know and by the time I knew it was too late.

Life is bleak. I have no reason to be here. I'm in therapy twice per week. None of it helps, it either brings up more uncomfortable feelings for me to hold all on my own which further activates CPTSD because that's what it was like - holding all the feelings and pain on my own. I don't consider therapy co regulating, just activating and leaving me with more bleakness week after week.

So I spend my time planning now, trying to find the most effective method. I've already been in hospital twice over the last two years. I need to get it right this time because I really can't bare to be here with all my f*cking mistakes and all the loss and holding it all on my own for so long. It'sreally just become too much.

Can anyone relate? Been in similar place? If so, any thoughts?

Hey @kocean, I feel you. Right now I'm blaming myself for losing my marriage, my CPTSD done a lot of damage over the past four years and I didn't realise how much until it was to late. Now I'm watching my ex thrive and start a new relationship.

Worst part is we live together, so everyday I see it. I'm dealing with so much guilt and regret, not to mention the endless other emotions. I'm at the point where I don't want to wake up, I don't have a family and now I'm losing another one. I have a few friends but their busy with their lives most of the time.

I'm currently on suicide watch and trying to get into therapy. I know how exhausted you must be. Always around if you need someone to vent or chat.

 

[Rose White]

gratitude/appreciation exercises

I think this is key. My old T didn’t even start with gratitude she started with noticing joy—she called it bragging. She said, “You keep saying you wish you could reach out to me between sessions. Here’s what we’ll do—you can call my work number and leave a message—I will get it—but it can only be if you are bragging about something that happened which brought you some sort of good feeling—some fun you had or something delightful you noticed.”

That was INCREDIBLY difficult! I hung up the first few times. When I finally left the first message I was silent for a bit before blurting something out.

In time (we worked together five years) after getting familiar with the crisis line and reliably calling it when I was having bad SI—eventually I could call her in a crisis and she would call back within a reasonable time. But I had to slowly slowly build up my resources—I couldn’t see her as my savior, just as another person who is helpful.

Anyway… I think arfie is onto something with the gratitude. It doesn’t have to be gratitude… but any practice where you’re orienting toward something positive. If you scroll through the topics in Social/Chat on the forum you will see lots of threads that give you a low stakes way to share something positive about your day or your life. And then if you can practice doing something like that with a person in real life that’s the next step. It’s hard to start, like any practice worth doing.

 

[FMCA]

I think the gratitude exercises are really valuable. I notice that when I don’t do it, things deteriorate.

I also think being able to come on here and talk about it with people who understand and have different perspectives is a god send.

I make it a rule to never refuse any help, do gratitude exercises and try to make good lifestyle choices.