Sexual Assault The Power Of Your Abuser

[Nicolette]

Here are some thoughts I have from being on this forum:

I sit here at times reading posts and ponder what makes a 'victim' put so much value and energy into their abuser.

The abuser has abused them and violated their being. I read members who are caught up in needing an apology thinking they will then be able to move on.

While I have had an abuser say 'sorry' to me, sorry can just be a word without being followed up by actions. An analogy would you had the most beautiful, one of, hand made vase from your grandmother. Say I accidentally broke it and said I was sorry. Sorry means I didn't mean it and I genuinely regret what happened but at the end of the day the vase is broken and is irreplaceable. Ok, say I broke it on purpose and said I was sorry. Does that make any difference? To me it does.

I also read members posts who wonder how their abuser is doing or what they are doing? I don't really get it unless there is some emotional attachment which has not as yet been severed. This person hurt you; why would you give them the time of day? Thinking about them does not make you a better person or more worthy of empathy.

In all honesty I don't know how I got past from being stuck to being able to put the past behind me other than face what happened for what it really was and not invalidate myself or diminish what happened. I also stood up and fought for justice if and when I could. What I do know is that to heal and move forward you have to own your power and not give it back to your abuser.

End any contact and do what you need to do to process your feelings. If they legitimately made a mistake then that is a consequence they must wear and not one for a victim to put their energy into and feel sorry for them. The rules are the rules and they knew them so there is no excuse.

It is hard to simply accept something so tragic and comprehend why me? That is normal. What is not healthy IMHO is sitting there pondering your abuser when I believe every ounce of your energy and all your power needs to be vested into you so that you can move on with your life normally.

Just my two bobs worth...........

 

[Crusoe]

I get what you are saying Nicolette. I don't see any use in feeling sorry for an abuser. They don't deserve that. However, there is something I don't understand. Is it not ok to want to know how your abuser is doing in the hope that they are suffering intolrably, in the hope that their life is hell? I don't want an apology from him because that will never mean anything to me. I wouldn't believe his "sorry" and it would never be enough for me to know how much he regreted it even if he did. I personally don't believe that someone as evil as him could ever regret what he did any way because he is nothing but evil through and through. The only reason why I want to know how he is doing is in the hope that he is experiencing a life of misery so that I rub my hands and gloat and so I can say to him "I have no pity, you deserve every ounce of misery you are suffering and then some".

 

[WonderingWhy]

I know they say revenge isn't healthy. It sounds to me is what you want is revenge but not by inflicting it yourself. I have to agree right or wrong, if I found out something horrible happened or was happening to "him" I believe I would most likely get some pleasure or satisfaction from that. Would I want to do something to cause him harm!!!!??? You bet, but I never would. More so out of fear than anything else. Fear that he may harm me, or fear of legal consequences. But to watch him suffer as wrong as I know it is, YES I would like to see that.

OK Anthony, I know you are going to point out all the reasons that is wrong. I know it is. That still doesn't change that right now that IS how I truly feel.

 

[Nicolette]

The only reason why I want to know how he is doing is in the hope that he is experiencing a life of misery so that I rub my hands and gloat and so I can say to him "I have no pity, you deserve every ounce of misery you are suffering and then some".

It is easier to pull yourself up than what it is to pull someone else down - especially someone who has no respect for others as if they did none one would have been hurt.

But to watch him suffer as wrong as I know it is, YES I would like to see that.

WW why? You do realize that this thinking actually brings you down to your abuser's level? You didn't like being hurt so why would you, as a decent, loving, caring person want to hurt another? Two wrongs don't make a right. For all you know he is mentally f*cked up and doesn't even comprehend what he did? Ignorance is bliss.........What he did is not excusable but at some point you have to take the focus off him and make it about you if you truly want to heal. Nothing he does now, whether it be loving life of having a miserable time changes where you are at nor will it. You just think knowing he is suffering will make you feel better........but you don't know the true answer to that either.:rolleyes:

 

[krystina]

Nicolette I don't know how you think but what I do know is that I would love to hurt my abuser. I understand that it would be wrong but what he did was wrong and he had a choice and he chose the decision to hurt. Why shouldn't I feel pi**** off at him and want him to feel pain. I think that if I was to see him i would hurt him. I don't care if he was mentally ill i would have so much anger in me if I saw him that i would hurt him any way I could. I don't care how loving and nice i am I would do whatever I could to hurt him. As you can see I am very angry right now and need to stop writing otherwise I will right some bad things and that wouldn't be good.
Sorry for repeating so much

 

[WonderingWhy]

Krystina,
I have to agree. I know it is wrong. I know it won't change the past. I however would be telling a lie if I said seeing him suffering wouldn't give me some sort of satisfaction. Wrong? Yes it is. That is just how I do feel.

 

[cherryblossom]

I understand that it would be wrong but what he did was wrong and he had a choice and he chose the decision to hurt. Why shouldn't I feel pi**** off at him and want him to feel pain. I think that if I was to see him i would hurt him.

So krystina, if you saw him, you would try to hurt him? You would have a choice, and you would choose the decision to hurt? Surely that makes you just as bad as him. If you want him to pay for his crime, reporting him to the Police would be a better solution, in my opinion. That is why the law exists, in a civilised society, otherwise we all turn into vigilantes.

Is it not ok to want to know how your abuser is doing in the hope that they are suffering intolrably, in the hope that their life is hell?

And what happens if he is not suffering intolerably. What if he's come into lots of money and is living an idellic life in bora bora? Ok, I know that's an extreme example, and not very likely - but how would you feel then?

I'm with Nicolette, I see no reason to give my abuser a second thought. If I wanted him to be punished, I should have reported him to the Police. I didn't and I have to live with that decision.

 

[krystina]

Okay, I feel bad now I understand your reaction but I still was little and couldn't report him and i would have if I was old enough. And no adult was going to believe me at that time.My first mom let it happen, I had no one to go to.

 

[cherryblossom]

You don't need to feel bad, Krystina. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and beliefs. I don't expect people to feel the same way that I do, and I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, just voicing my own opinion.

Also, I don't believe it is ever too late to report a crime, if you choose to do so. Not necessarily with a court case and conviction in mind. But reporting can make a survivor feel better, and may give some form of validation, and possibly 'closure'. As Anthony has said before in other threads, one person reporting an offense may not be enough, but 2 or 3 people report the same perpetrator and people (Police) start listening. But whether you choose to report or not, is a very personal decision.

 

[Nicolette]

My first mom let it happen, I had no one to go to.

IMHO then you first mom is just as guilty if she knowingly let it happen yet I don't hear you speak of such anger towards her? There is nothing wrong with being angry and hurt. But it is also something you need to process and move on from for yourself and your own mental well being.

The point being missed by anger is that by holding onto that and saying that 'you wish to project it onto your abuser' and 'knowing they are suffering will make you feel better' is currently only a fallacy in your mind. You think it is the answer but you don't know if it is the answer and I would bet my last dollar on, being faced with that situation, it would not provide you with the peace you are searching for IMHO.

It's as simple as sometimes life is not fair and the cards you are dealt with suck. You have two choices, either live with it or do something to change it. Turning your feelings onto someone else still just puts you at a similar level to them. Surely you ladies are better than that. I will say it once and will say it again - the best revenge you can do is heal and get on with a good life for yourself. ;)

 

[anthony]

OK Anthony, I know you are going to point out all the reasons that is wrong. I know it is. That still doesn't change that right now that IS how I truly feel.

Nope... you hit it with the part about you would like too, but wouldn't, but if something was happening to someone who had done such evil things in the first place... well... call it karma, call it luck, call it revenge.... but I wouldn't say its wrong to admit you enjoyed seeing them in misery IF they had inflicted traumatic abuse upon another.

If it helps you to get some relief, some satisfaction, the feeling of payback... without doing it yourself, then I would say it is ok. Its only when someone says they want to do something bad would I suggest to steer clear of it... because the negative emotions that revenge itself will encompass will outweigh the positives for any type of satisfaction feelings.

If its happening to a bad person already... hey... karma's a bitch!

If you have an abuser... then they just need to suck it up when shit comes back round and bites them on their arse for their actions.

Sexual abuse comes with a clear abuser... a person at fault. Bad people deserve to have bad shit come back round at them... it just sucks when good people have bad shit come round at them in the first place.

 

[WonderingWhy]

Nope... you hit it with the part about you would like too, but wouldn't, but if something was happening to someone who had done such evil things in the first place... well... call it karma, call it luck, call it revenge.... but I wouldn't say its wrong to admit you enjoyed seeing them in misery IF they had inflicted traumatic abuse upon another.

If it helps you to get some relief, some satisfaction, the feeling of payback... without doing it yourself, then I would say it is ok. Its only when someone says they want to do something bad would I suggest to steer clear of it... because the negative emotions that revenge itself will encompass will outweigh the positives for any type of satisfaction feelings.

If its happening to a bad person already... hey... karma's a bitch!

If you have an abuser... then they just need to suck it up when shit comes back round and bites them on their arse for their actions.

Sexual abuse comes with a clear abuser... a person at fault. Bad people deserve to have bad shit come back round at them... it just sucks when good people have bad shit come round at them in the first place.

Wow, I am surprised!:eek: I thought for certain I would hear from you how wrong I was for enjoying another's misfortune.:D What's bad and confusing is, I have contemplated before if I was able to assist him in a life or death situation without harming myself, it actually pains me, but I think I would help him. NOT out of any type of caring about him. I do however think if I didn't in the end I would not feel good about myself as a person. I still know though that I definitely would feel a bit of pleasure of any general misfortune that might befall him. Whether right or wrong, and I do feel like no one should feel a sense of pleasure from someones pain or misfortune, but at the same time, I can't deny that is how I believe I would feel. I guess again it is that head and heart not being in sync. My head feels it is wrong, but my heart still feels that way.:confused: