I was sexually abused as a child from the time I was 5 years old till I was 13 and decided to leave home. I was raped at age 7 by one of my grandpas weird friends and then raped again from the time I was 10 till I was 13 by my moms boyfriend. Sex to me has never been a good experience. To me sex has always felt more like a chore. Something that has to be done even if you didn't want to. It has also prevented me from having any solid relationships. I guess from my abuse it's kind of made me numb to the subject and act. I have sex on occasion but I do not have sex with men. I don't know if the abuse turned me off towards men but I date women. I feel more comfortable around women. Having sex with a man just brings back too may painful memories that I can't handle.
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This is a great idea for a thread, and something I think a lot of us need. Why should this be such a taboo topic when a lot of us are affected by this all the time??
I feel like I'm searching for a man who is capable of hugging me, and JUST hugging me, not trying to turn it into anything sexual. That's the only type of man I really want to do anything sexual with. I want someone who will respect me enough to be satisfied with just emotional body contact when I don't want to have sex. I don't want to feel pressured or like I'm trading sex for emotional intimacy, like that's the only way I'm going to get affection.
I also don't want to have sex with a man before I get married to him... might sound archaic, but my abuser took every "first" from me that I had, and he took it by force. EXCEPT vaginal sex, which for some reason he never forced me into. I'm eternally grateful for that, but it means that I don't want to share that ONE thing I have left to give, with anyone other than the man I put serious trust into for the rest of my life (I know divorce can happen, but a girl's gotta dream, right?).
One thing I've noticed upon sexual contact with people since my abuse is that when a guy touches me, "downstairs" so to speak, it HURTS. My abuser liked seeing me in pain and particularly liked beating me and hurting me in those more intimate areas. He'd often threaten to use objects that really aren't meant for that kind of thing down there, just for his own enjoyment. So I don't know if it's the guys I'm with, that they're just really inexperienced, or that I'm somehow wired to hate feeling a man's touch in those specific areas. Could be a bit of both, I guess.
I feel like I'm searching for a man who is capable of hugging me, and JUST hugging me, not trying to turn it into anything sexual. That's the only type of man I really want to do anything sexual with. I want someone who will respect me enough to be satisfied with just emotional body contact when I don't want to have sex. I don't want to feel pressured or like I'm trading sex for emotional intimacy, like that's the only way I'm going to get affection.
I also don't want to have sex with a man before I get married to him... might sound archaic, but my abuser took every "first" from me that I had, and he took it by force. EXCEPT vaginal sex, which for some reason he never forced me into. I'm eternally grateful for that, but it means that I don't want to share that ONE thing I have left to give, with anyone other than the man I put serious trust into for the rest of my life (I know divorce can happen, but a girl's gotta dream, right?).
One thing I've noticed upon sexual contact with people since my abuse is that when a guy touches me, "downstairs" so to speak, it HURTS. My abuser liked seeing me in pain and particularly liked beating me and hurting me in those more intimate areas. He'd often threaten to use objects that really aren't meant for that kind of thing down there, just for his own enjoyment. So I don't know if it's the guys I'm with, that they're just really inexperienced, or that I'm somehow wired to hate feeling a man's touch in those specific areas. Could be a bit of both, I guess.
Great thread :)
My PTSD had never really affected our sex life before I was raped. Afterwards we didn't have sex for about 1 ½ years. But I have been able to enjoy it for the past couple of months!
It's been a lot of work till we got there though. My boyfriend was/is impossibly patient and understanding. He never pressured me, came up with new ideas that may help me, accepted my weird ideas and told me he wouldn't have sex with me as long as I felt like I shouldn't keep him waiting any longer. We started with baby steps like holding hands or caressing each others arms. Remembering the thousand things we still can't do must be exhausting! Therapy has certainly helped aswell.
I think the reason why I'm able to have sex with him is that I trust him so much and that we're able to communicate openly. It makes being physically close to him and the times I was raped two entirely different things.
2 years ago I didn't think I'd ever have sex again. The fact that I was wrong helps me stay positive about other things I'm still struggling with.
My PTSD had never really affected our sex life before I was raped. Afterwards we didn't have sex for about 1 ½ years. But I have been able to enjoy it for the past couple of months!
It's been a lot of work till we got there though. My boyfriend was/is impossibly patient and understanding. He never pressured me, came up with new ideas that may help me, accepted my weird ideas and told me he wouldn't have sex with me as long as I felt like I shouldn't keep him waiting any longer. We started with baby steps like holding hands or caressing each others arms. Remembering the thousand things we still can't do must be exhausting! Therapy has certainly helped aswell.
I think the reason why I'm able to have sex with him is that I trust him so much and that we're able to communicate openly. It makes being physically close to him and the times I was raped two entirely different things.
2 years ago I didn't think I'd ever have sex again. The fact that I was wrong helps me stay positive about other things I'm still struggling with.
Friday
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I'm on the opposite side of this spectrum. My libido was pretty high to begin with.
PTSD kicked it up several notches / it's my favorite form of oblivion when I'm doing badly as well as my favorite crutch/coping mechanism when I'm doing well. I had PTSD before I was raped, but that skewed me for awhile, as well. Replaced every bad memory with a thousand good ones. That uptick gradually came downward to my personal version of normal, although any time I've been raped it does still uptick for several months to a year or so at least before returning to baseline. I'm still up in the stratosphere. Outlier in the normal range. Which is a bit of a relief. I have enough problems without sex addiction or pathology being tacked on.
I'm in a bad turn at the moment (past couple years). Because I know exactly where going blotto on sex, drugs, alcohol, adrenaline will get me... I completely threw the brakes on. Which may or may not have been a mistake. I'm in the process of gradually adding things back into my life. Adrenaline, is difficult (s'where my self harm lies), alcohol has been okay so far (while it's early days, nothing is making me concerned), but I'm still holding off on sex. :( I have pretty decent self control in other areas. I have very very little self control in sex. In part, because it's not an area I want self control in. I like my libido. <narrows eyes> Usually. When I can actually put it to use. Right now it ticks me off. As while I'm still all fragile and shit, I'm still holding off. Grumble grumble kick something grumble snarl. Going on 4 years celibate, which is not a record I like at all. Gah. Effing self control is a total bitch sometimes. And breathe.
PTSD kicked it up several notches / it's my favorite form of oblivion when I'm doing badly as well as my favorite crutch/coping mechanism when I'm doing well. I had PTSD before I was raped, but that skewed me for awhile, as well. Replaced every bad memory with a thousand good ones. That uptick gradually came downward to my personal version of normal, although any time I've been raped it does still uptick for several months to a year or so at least before returning to baseline. I'm still up in the stratosphere. Outlier in the normal range. Which is a bit of a relief. I have enough problems without sex addiction or pathology being tacked on.
I'm in a bad turn at the moment (past couple years). Because I know exactly where going blotto on sex, drugs, alcohol, adrenaline will get me... I completely threw the brakes on. Which may or may not have been a mistake. I'm in the process of gradually adding things back into my life. Adrenaline, is difficult (s'where my self harm lies), alcohol has been okay so far (while it's early days, nothing is making me concerned), but I'm still holding off on sex. :( I have pretty decent self control in other areas. I have very very little self control in sex. In part, because it's not an area I want self control in. I like my libido. <narrows eyes> Usually. When I can actually put it to use. Right now it ticks me off. As while I'm still all fragile and shit, I'm still holding off. Grumble grumble kick something grumble snarl. Going on 4 years celibate, which is not a record I like at all. Gah. Effing self control is a total bitch sometimes. And breathe.
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somerandomguy
VIP Member
So no success stories then. Sad but unsurprising. It doesn't bode well for the future of anyone with PTSD.
Sex is now impossible for me, as anxiety over my sexual abuse issues keep me from maintaining an erection. Worse than that, my partner has given up on any and all intimacy since it's too emotionally painful, and I don't blame her. I'm not sure what's keeping us together, honestly.
I'm currently in the only therapy I've ever had that's working ... but it's not working for this.
Sex is now impossible for me, as anxiety over my sexual abuse issues keep me from maintaining an erection. Worse than that, my partner has given up on any and all intimacy since it's too emotionally painful, and I don't blame her. I'm not sure what's keeping us together, honestly.
I'm currently in the only therapy I've ever had that's working ... but it's not working for this.
The Albatross
VIP Member
Nikki100 has had some success. So I guess there's some hope for the rest of us.
Relate to what you shared, except that I am the female. My mister has the low libido and erectile issues. First sign of discomfort and it's over and mutually difficult.
Very sorry @somerandomguy you and your mrs. are dealing with it too. My mister and I are in a "companionate" marriage. It hasn't been easy. We will be having our 25th anniversary next month.
Relate to what you shared, except that I am the female. My mister has the low libido and erectile issues. First sign of discomfort and it's over and mutually difficult.
Very sorry @somerandomguy you and your mrs. are dealing with it too. My mister and I are in a "companionate" marriage. It hasn't been easy. We will be having our 25th anniversary next month.
somerandomguy
VIP Member
Honestly sex is just something that brings on sad and angry feelings on both of our parts. I can easily see us having a companionate marriage for the next 19+ years, assuming she's willing to put up with it that long.
No one would prescribe me Viagra until I started seeing my current shrink, but I found out very quickly that it doesn't work for people who don't have physical problems.
No one would prescribe me Viagra until I started seeing my current shrink, but I found out very quickly that it doesn't work for people who don't have physical problems.
My trigger is intimacy. Recently, I found I couldn't get close to any man I liked. I could have sex drunk with one mutually exclusive partner..who didn't speak English. But I started having to get drunker and drunker to do it decided it wasn't worth it. Then, someone I liked somehow made his way in. I started getting flashbacks during sex bad. We have to stop and he tries to ground me. I find myself avoiding him in person because its been such a trigger. He offered to take a break from sex until I was better, but I couldn't bring myself to do that.
I just had my first victory over it. I found that I was able to avoid the flashback by calling him a false name, and picturing a false person instead of him.
Sort of a bittersweet victory. I want to be close to him, the intimacy of it is a turn on, but in order to be close to him I have to pretend I'm not. But, it's a huge improvement!
I just had my first victory over it. I found that I was able to avoid the flashback by calling him a false name, and picturing a false person instead of him.
Sort of a bittersweet victory. I want to be close to him, the intimacy of it is a turn on, but in order to be close to him I have to pretend I'm not. But, it's a huge improvement!
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ms spock
VIP Member
Sex was very hard for me because I couldn't tell other people's bodies from my father's body.
Anyway along time later and this week I was disappointed to not have sex with B because he was tired! OMG! The hurdles I have overcome to have a sexual and intimate relationship and now He is TIRED! LMAO. ROFL Ah well it made me have a bit of a giggle. And I could appropriately respect his limits and boundaries and a day later it was good. And this morning a bit of a frolic. Not uncomplicated by any means and there are still some issues but it can be good and a bit of fun. There are other levels of compulsive thinking to overcome, but there is intimacy and my father's body is not in the bed with us and that is pretty good as far as I am concerned.
So some success, so much so I actually get to be disappointed when I don't get to have sex. How good is that? Pretty good I think.
Anyway along time later and this week I was disappointed to not have sex with B because he was tired! OMG! The hurdles I have overcome to have a sexual and intimate relationship and now He is TIRED! LMAO. ROFL Ah well it made me have a bit of a giggle. And I could appropriately respect his limits and boundaries and a day later it was good. And this morning a bit of a frolic. Not uncomplicated by any means and there are still some issues but it can be good and a bit of fun. There are other levels of compulsive thinking to overcome, but there is intimacy and my father's body is not in the bed with us and that is pretty good as far as I am concerned.
So some success, so much so I actually get to be disappointed when I don't get to have sex. How good is that? Pretty good I think.
I struggle a lot with this and would really like to be able to fix it. I cant stand being touched so foreplay is impossible. I get through intercourse by keeping my eyes closed. It helps for some reason. Occasionaly i have a panic attack but can usually pull myself out of it. its very embarrasing and i try to hide it. Sometimes my body takes over and pushes him off midway through but usually I can avoid doing that by faizing out. Afterwards i feel like i have to lay very still for a long time. Sometimes i feel like crying but usually hold it back or go to the toilet to cry. My partner doesnt know why but he is aware that i dont like a lot of things and respects that. I think he is very unsatisfied sexually and I feel bad about that. I also find it difficult to express myself sexually or speak up if im not comfortable. Are there others that have experienced the same problems? Was there anything that helped you?
ms spock
VIP Member
I am doing rather well with sexuality this last week. It has been a frisky/flirty time with my partner, much giggling as well. I never thought that this would be possible. I really didn't.
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