The Sex Thread

[somerandomguy]

What if your partner has had a history of ... let's say, "unhelpful" behavior during sexy times? I don't want to go into detail, but my partner has occasionally been borderline abusive, and while various Ts have told me to let it go and to stay in the present, I sometimes can't help thinking about it.

 

[Jasminedharris14]

What if your partner has had a history of ... let's say, "unhelpful" behavior during sexy times? I don't want to go into detail, but my partner has occasionally been borderline abusive, and while various Ts have told me to let it go and to stay in the present, I sometimes can't help thinking about it.

I would say communication is key. I talk openly with my partner when things bother me. Communicating what you need during sex and what you would like to avoid is important. How is it/would it be to have an open, frank, conversation with your partner about some of your expectations/needs/dislikes?

 

[Glara]

So I'm going to visit a friend where my sufferer lives, and I'm staying with her. He said he was sad cause we couldn't have sex. I told him I could stay longer so we could be alone. He said I should spent all my time with my friend. But he'd still visit. Ok, no sex. So now he's asking for pics in the sexy clothes he bought for me. Wants me to bring them and take me out in the Harley wearing them. But no sex. All I can say is wow.

 

[somerandomguy]

How is it/would it be to have an open, frank, conversation with your partner about some of your expectations/needs/dislikes?

Incredibly difficult. Almost impossible. I guess I have something to work on ...

 

[SpikeBall]

My partner and I used honest and open communication to get to a level of trust. And it was 100% consensual all the time. If I wanted to stop in the middle for no reason, so be it.

 

[aka]

This subject is hard for me because it scares the #$% out of me and it makes me embarrassed. I am in my mid twenties and have never had sex. Ouch I said it. :depressed: There is a really good chance I was sexual abused as a young kid so this many be why I get so freaked out about this subject. I have not been able to make or keep friends easily and the one boyfriend I did have I hated when we kissed and or held hands. Sigh I have a lot to work on. :bag:

 

[ms spock]

Hey you have to work on it. But seriously guys you have to have fun with it too! Sheesh it is sex. You can define it anyway you like. You can enjoy yourself. (Yes I know totally ironic coming from a woman who has lived her life as an incest victim most of her life.)

 

[dnp]

Someone tried to help me with my issues through talking to me about sex and I became suicidal. I guess sex and relationships aren't for everyone.

 

[ms spock]

That is a most wise thought at this time @dnp. If you can't at this time then it is good to be aware of these boundaries.

 

[Ellabella44]

I try to have my symptoms not disrupt my family's life ( husband and kids) but I had a nightmare a few weeks ago about being chased by two cousins of mine (who were yelling they wanted to rape me) and I was 8 or so at the time that this event happened. I dont know how far the older cousin got before my mother came back home with his mother (he didnt get to complete his intent, but I block it), but I had been chased through each room in the house last being my bedroom. It was so real the dream, and in it he was on top of me. I ended up being scared to sleep with my husband who I have been with for 20 years and has never threatened me. I hate for even one minute this cousin made me afraid of a man who loves me and that I allowed him to disrupt this part of my life, but its one of my trauma spots that he did this. Id supressed this event for years, pretended it happened to someone else hard enough that it never came up until a few weeks ago. and its one of the things im working through right now in therapy.

 

[anonymous]

Sex is such a hard spot for me. Was raised super conservative/religiously to the point that the thought of sex scared me in fear of the consequences and potential of going to hell. My parents were divorced and the first time I was on my period dad gave me a twenty dollar bill and left me in the store to get my own feminine products like it was a dirty or bad thing. Then mom always got on me for not dressing up enough or wearing make up and said that I would never find a man that way. So at a young age I learned women are dirty and here for the sole purpose of men. In high school I was molested by another student my senior year. The band director did nothing and the kid stalked me/chased me into the girls restroom all of the time until I graduated.

Then I joined the military and was the only female in my shop. I was sexually harassed each drill. The guys took bets on when I would loose my virginity, talked about women in such poor tastes, talked about the stuff they did to other women, forced me to watch porn, interrogated me on my sex life, and asked questions about the men I dated. They would though vulgar signs at me and gestures daily. My father asked me to not speak up and cause waves because it would ruin our family name and only get worse for me. He also said just talk to your boss. Just talk to your boss. All my boss did was verbal warnings. My main attacker never was written up and still works with me to this day.

All while that was going on at home I was sexually assaulted in school my first year by friends of my roommate. Was beaten during the attack. Was reminded daily up there of the incident and each time I went home for duty. I felt like a ditry dirty whore. Was constantly triggered and all the boys at school only wanted me for sex. Once that deal was off the table they'd move on.

Then I was engaged when I finally was diagnosed with PTSD 3 years after the assault. He didn't give the therapist or meds a chance to help me out and started using sex as a weapon against me. He put images of porn and "surprise sex memes" on the computer. His sexist brother moved in with us and they would bash women in front of me or watch triggering shows. He knew about the assualt before proposing. I would trigger each time we had sex especially if he wanted oral. Nightmares and night terrors always happened.

Now since then and with therapy I am doing much better! I have learned to open up with myself and think beyond the brainwashing I had growing up. I have learned that I actually like women and feel much more safe there. It is not safe for me to come out though because my family would murder me and I feel like my unit would harass me more if they knew.

For the first time last night I was with another woman and had the best time of my life. I finally felt like a woman and not an object of someone else's desire/enjoyment. I had a lot less anxiety and was more calm. Sex wasn't so scary anymore and I was able to let myself relax and enjoy the time together. I cried on the way back to my place because I finally felt free. I felt good about myself. I didn't call myself a whore or any other awful name. I slept like a baby without my meds and had no nightmares or terrors! I even blasted the lonely islans song , "I just had sex", really loudly on repeat while playing COD. I have smiled all night last night and all day today. I finally feel free. Never thought I would get to this point. And am so happy and relieved.

 

[Kintsugi]

This is a very interesting thread.

I am surprised no one has posted yet to the effect I now will, which is kind of out of left field relative to what has been posted.

I struggle with the fact that I have always felt in sex and most other forms of intimacy, I need to be subjugated in order to feel engaged or aroused at all.

I'm sure this has something to do with my trauma, and probably my later abuse could have been avoided if I did not feel this way.

I'd like to write more on the topic, but it is slippery and hard to define clearly. I guess I also feel I have a problem with making myself a target for those who desire power over other people.

This preference for me is a bizarre balance. Obviously, I am at risk to be triggered, which does happen sometimes. It happened recently. I punched B in the face. :(