The Smallest Things Set Me Off

[craig]

Hello everyone.

I am new to this forum so please bear with me and I will do my best to intro myself and keep it as brief as possible.

I am an ex-pat South African now living in the U.K. for the last 11 years. I served in the S.A.Police from 1989 -1999 serving most of it in the 'Internal stability unit' or riot unit as it was called then. Needless to say I experienced a lot of violence and cruelty throughout those years on a daily basis. I won't go into the details but this was a very tumultuous time in South Africa and violence was commonplace (and still is). I decided to 'get out' with my family in 1999 and moved to England. I was quite happy (or so I thought) up until October 2008 when a close family member was senselessly murdered back in SA during a house burglary! I went back for the funeral and that was when my troubles started!!

Since then I have had all the symptoms of PTSD, depression, anxiety and Agoraphobia. I have flashbacks of events I witnessed, smells cause bad thoughts and fear and I cannot tolerate more than 5 minutes in a busy public place without getting angry and ill! My temper is extremely short and the smallest thing sets me off! I am currently seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist but feel that I am not getting anywhere. It has been over a year now and still feel like I havn't made any progress!

I feel alone in this...although I know my wife and kids are effected by my behaviour everyday! I have contemplated suicide numerous times but the images of suicides I attended stop me in my tracks as I wouldn't want to inflict that on my family! Will this ever go away?? The drugs I'm taking sort of help but just seem to scratch the surface! I also lost my job because of this illness which doesn't help.

Is it just me or do others get the impression that people don't take you seriously? I get comments like...'get over it'...'it will get better with time'....' that was in the past forget about it'!!! Why oh why can't people see that I am dying inside. I just want to crawl into a dark space and stay there till I die.

Sorry to sound so negative but I just feel helpless in all this. Any advice will be welcomed. Keep well everyone.

Craig

 

[suzie q]

Welcome to the forum Craig,

If you have been officially diagnosed with PTSD, then starting on the home page of this forum will help to explain why and where your symptoms are coming from.(if you don't know already) I would suggest that you read as much as you can and after your able to read other forums, you can read some posts that might make you feel more comfortable. We share our experiences, strengths, and hope here and I'm sure you will find several people with similar histories.

We don't judge here and everyone is in different stages of handling their PTSD. You don't sound "negative" at all, you sound like you are sick of not being able to handle the symptoms of this disorder.(join the club!! lol) We are allowed to be negative if that is what helps you process and feel better. Also, we can whine or vent as long as we let others know what we are doing. No problem.

My experience with therapy is that I would go long sections of time thinking I was getting no where. I think thats why a journal or posting here helps so much. You can look back and see that you've come a really long way in recovery. It's just in baby steps that we can't recognize. This place will give you understanding and you will relate to so many others. Hope you stick around! Oh, and sorry, you're not allowed to stay in your cave (your dark space) for to long! lol...

See ya around....suzie q

 

[anni]

Hi Craig,

I don't think you sounded negative. I think you sound like you've been through a completely hellish time of it. Please don't feel you have to apologize for anything you say here because it's all ok.

My roommate at school in the UK, back in the late 70's was from Rhodesia. Her mother didn't visit much, and my roommate said she was a little 'off' since the family had fled the country in the middle of the night. There'd been unrest, a family member murdered, diplomats and families removed abruptly. They'd witnessed much in the unrest from that era. The mom was severely agoraphobic for the rest of her life, long before PTSD was recognized properly and dealt with. I was close to my roommate, but never knew her mother, since she became also very avoidant and paranoid. In those days they didn't know to get these people help, as they do now.

It must have been dreadful for you, and I'm glad you're getting help for this. The articles here I hope will at least also give you some peace because they do help you acknowledge that you brain has been literally rewired through your traumas, and there are 'reasons' for the way you feel. Through articles and threads you can also see that there genuinely, absolutely is progress with therapy even when you don't feel like it. It's not just something hokey to say when people tell you there's hope, because it's just plain true.

Please do be kind to yourself, give yourself lots of 'room' for what you've been through and the time span of your healing, and most of all please do keep that hope.

Take care, and I hope you can keep coming here,

Anni

 

[craig]

Thanks for the encouragement. I find it easier to write about things than to actually talk about them (if you know what I mean). It is good that there are 'safe' places like this about where we can simply talk about things. Thanks again.

 

[TLight]

Welcome Craig;

I ditto what the others said. And yes, the secondary wounding caused by the lack of understanding from others just isn't very helpful. But we have to remember that they really have no idea what this like for us, what torture it truly is, and how little control we have over the symptoms sometimes.

For the majority of my critical healing time, I just didn't tell others...........yes, the false face takes a lot of energy, but the comments that came across to me at the time as cruel and judgemental were just too much for me to take on top of everything else. YOu may choose to be very careful about who you tell.

Anyway........therapy, therapy, therapy..........meds, meds, meds,........supportive people and love........things will settle and this will become manageable. It takes a long time and a lot of pain......but you will get there.

 

[her_indoors43]

Hope your ok Craig....

 

[ISupportHer]

Craig,
Not sure you will see this since you are listed as banned. I hope you find the help you want and need. This is one place where you will not hear "Get over with it!" although you may hear frank opinions.

I hope you will continue to research the PTSD and find peace. Your thoughts of suicide worry me and I hope you get the help you need.

ISH

 

[ISupportHer]

Craig,

Well, not listed as banned anymore. Good! I just wanted to say I hope you will stay here and continue to post.

ISH