Relationship The Start Of Therapy Breakup

[NaeNae75]

But then I think- he doesn't love himself right now, he doesn't know how to love me because he doesn't even know how to love himself. I feel defeated.

I feel very much the same as this sometimes. Today is my oldest son's 20th birthday, so I called him and told him that they should be at family dinner. He replied, are you sure anyone wants me there. I told him yes and that he needs to be there....that it's only right. EVERYONE is hurting....all of the kids. His son didn't want to leave us, he was in tears when they were ready to leave. It quite frankly, makes me furious that he does this for himself (instead of getting the therapy/help he needs), but in the meantime, it hurts everyone else. So yes, I think they don't know how to love themselves, and assume everyone else doesn't either.

Is it normal that someone with PTSD can be detached from their loved ones but not their friends?

Yes...this is very normal too. It isn't unusual for them to contribute all of their stress to their s/o. So they feel stress relief from being away from that one person.

And then at the fair, I demanded answers and he told me its over

I think because you pushed, he felt he had no other option. I'm fairly certain that under the same circumstances, my guy would have done the same thing. Even "normal" people would likely react that way. He probably felt put on the spot, so he reacted.... I understand why you did what you did, but there really is not other reaction than the one he actually had. I can't fathom anyone being confronted and having it turn out to anything other than a negative reaction.

But why did he say its over at the fair in the heat of the moment?

Same as above....I don't think he felt he had a choice. He probably didn't mean it, like what he said later. Most people don't react well to confrontation.

I hope you can find your peace....one way or another.

 

[JM318]

I feel very much the same as this sometimes. Today is my oldest son's 20th birthday, so I called him a...

Thanks NaeNae, you're giving me a little comfort and I wish I didn't react that way but I can't change it now. My emotions are running so high and I was upset to even hear that he told someone else we actually broke up. Come to find out he actually just said we were rocky and he didn't really know what he wanted. Even after "the confrontation" when things were more calm I said I just wanted to move on and get my things and again got a "I can be home in 30 minutes". It's just not fair but I can't change it now. Maybe he just needs this time again to find himself while in therapy. It just kills me because we went through a 6 month breakup but without therapy. I hope that he didn't mean what he said and I hope he fights for us and for himself. I wrote a letter like I always do when we go through a separation, just words of encouragement, positive memories and that I love him enough to let him go so he can find his way. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, I hope he starts therapy again and that things look up for you too. I know we hear this way too often but don't forget to take care of yourself. I dreaded going to work after a sleepless night but I pushed through and I even went to my bootcamp class. I hope this isn't the end for either of your relationships and that we can find our way too.

 

[joeylittle]

Is it normal that someone with PTSD can be detached from their loved ones but not their friends?

Very much so. It's that thing of, the people we care the most about and who know us the best, we are more vulnerable to them - there's more pressure there, more stress. The casual friends are the ones it's easy to just go full-distraction mode with, and sometimes that's a really big relief.

I'm not saying it's fair, but it's the way it works. I think everyone does this, to some degree. If you can think of times you've wanted to avoid family, or those you are very close to, because they know somethings going on with you or they'll be able to tell, and you just don't want to have to get into it. So it's easier to just not get into proximity with them.

 

[JM318]

Very much so. It's that thing of, the people we care the most about and who know us the best, we ar...

Makes sense as to why he avoiding both me and his mother. Can't believe he is trying to convince me that he has no issues at all and doesn't need therapy and he doesn't love me.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

Sorry wasn't much help. He does love you but you are his PTSD punching bag in a way.

Thanks for the amazing answers and stories in this thread

 

[JM318]

Sorry wasn't much help. He does love you but you are his PTSD punching bag in a way.

Thanks for th...

You were a big help! And I think you are right, I've heard this before and I don't believe him for a second. I'm just focusing on me again and hopefully in time he will come back when he's ready. And if he doesn't then I'm already focusing on myself so I'll still be okay.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

You were a big help! And I think you are right, I've heard this before and I don't believe him for a seco...

Best advice I got on this board and from a psychiatrist is find a hobby and get your mind off of it. Recently started having a personal trainer who played in NFL and went to a new boxing gym being trained by Floyd mayweather trainer and starting to really enjoy life again.

 

[Rumors]

JM318
I hope you can take a different perspective here...but.... The thing is, you asked for a separation but in reality you don't want to be separated. You want him to chase after you and beg you not to leave. You are either in or you are out. If the guy has abandonment issues all you have relayed to him with this "separation while he is having therapy" is that when things are tough, you will leave. If you truly love him, which I think you do, you will leave him alone and quit playing games and writing letters and sending mixed signals. As well, you need to figure out why you are looking for someone to rescue you....
That guy needs stability and reassurance. If he was being abusive, then you need to value yourself enough not to be in a relationship like that. If he is just not capable of being committed, you need to decide if it is something you can live with or not and be in or be out. The signal he is sending you now reminds me of one I have sent out when I feel betrayed or abandoned. The wall goes up. His walls are up. The letters reflecting memories and the good times of your relationship are just tools to manipulate feelings. He knows what the good times were...and the bad times. Stop! It amazes me that you garner support here from other sufferers bc this very scenario is one that sets of ptsd symptoms for most of us.
Now, certainly I KNOW that you are manipulating him bc you are evil. For some reason you feel like a relationship can be run through shame and guilt hence the reason why you point out the good memories so that he can "think" about them...and hopefully feel guilty for throwing away this wonderful relationship and come begging for your forgiveness. This is a two way street.... I hope he sets good boundaries (which it sounds like he is doing) and lets you go. You aren't healthy together right now. I think you have some stuff to work on too.
Listen, pointing this out is not an attempt to slam you or tell you how horrible you are. You are not. You clearly love this guy. Just love him in a healthy manner but most of all love yourself in a healthy manner. He has issues and you are pushing those buttons. Stop.
Sending you support and best wishes as you figure this out. This is just my opinion but as they say opinions are like ass holes and everyone has one!!! Best....

 

[NaeNae75]

JM318
I hope you can take a different perspective here...but.... The thing is, you asked for a separatio...

Wow....I think this was unnecessarily harsh. I think she's hurting and anxious. I think she was asking for answers, not being manipulative. To say you "know" someone is evil on here is super inappropriate.... are you trying to read between the lines here?

 

[JM318]

JM318
I hope you can take a different perspective here...but.... The thing is, you asked for a separatio...

I asked for a "separation" bc I knew he couldn't handle a relationship with starting therapy and having a breakdown, and it's something we both agreed to that he needed, but of course I didn't WANT that. I didn't mean I didn't want to build our friendship and talk every once in a while but as time passed by I never heard from him and I told him I was respecting his space so he can focus on therapy. I pushed buttons at the fair (it had been over a month) I'll admit that, and I may be "evil" in your eyes, but I love him more than anything and I'm learning all this along with him. This is VERY new. I wrote that letter to get my own feelings out, I changed it a million times, decided to actually send it, took out the parts where I thought he wouldn't appreciate me evaluating him, and stuck with the positive stuff- the reasons why I love who he is as a person, shared a few memories, told him I supported his decision and I'll always be here as a friend. He told me one of things he loves about me is my compassionate side, but that's just who I am, I love too much and I have a big heart. That's my downfall. That's what I need to work on and just love myself. It wasn't meant in my heart to manipulate but I can see where you are coming from, but I didn't have bad intentions. I saw my doctor yesterday and decided to continue therapy for myself. I don't want him to chase me and I don't want to chase him, I JUST want my best friend to be okay, and to find our happy place again. But again, you're right, I don't want to be a burden to him, I don't want to set off his symptoms, to make him feel abandoned, maybe I've been pushing too hard and trying to help him but it's doing nothing but hurting him. I've said my peace and I'm not reaching out to him again, I need to stop over analyzing things and stop trying to "help", he needs to do this on his own.

 

[NaeNae75]

I realize her situation could have been handled a little better, but plenty of stuff I have done could have been too. Just because someone might not have PTSD, doesn't mean that they automatically know how to handle things.

Relationships themselves are tricky under the best circumstances. Ptsd relationships take time practice and education to get the hang of. Years of it.
This is what I think she is trying to do. She realizes she didn't handle it well and is trying to figure out how to. So attacking her isn't helpful at all.

 

[Endure]

I don't think she showed abandonment either. This is where it gets really confusing for supporters. When our sufferers ask for space we are told to not contact them, but if we tell them we will give them their space we are abandoning them? Typically where supporters screw up is NOT giving them space when they ask for it because we aren't really sure what that space means or looks like.

Supporters are not going to be perfect. We are learning right along with our sufferers. We can't live our life walking on eggshells scared we're going to do something to set them off. It is still a relationship with two people and both partners need to be in agreement they are not going to give up on each other. It can't be one sided. I'm not in my relationship anymore, but I was willing to support him and stand by him through whatever life threw our way. He needed to give me the patience to learn how to support him. He wasn't able to do that. There is a huge learning curve here for us. Supporters are having to throw everything we've ever known about personal relationships and throw that out the window. We have to learn a whole new way of accepting, loving and supporting another person and learn that being loved by that person may also not be the way it has been done by others. Please cut us some slack too.