Relationship The Start Of Therapy Breakup

[MonkeeMoo]

Hi, I'm new to the forum but have been reading various threads on isolation. I haven't heard from my combat vet w/ PTSD (2+yrs) for 6 weeks now, and the longest he hasn't contacted me was 3 weeks. I stopped texting him as well because he stopped replying. I knew something has been off beginning of June. I think it is an anniversary b/c it's happened around same time last year too. Anyways, I love him dearly and I respect him and value him as a friend as well. I have my moments, but I read a thread from SweetPea saying not contacting him/giving him space is an act of love. I know he is suffering and has told me that he does not want to put those he love/care for deeply in pain that he is going through. Sadly, he isn't seeking support or treatment. Isolating & withdrawing are his coping mechanisms. Anyhoo-- what I am trying to share is that although I am 2 decades older than JM318 -- the feelings of confusion and emotional ups/downs coming from his behavior-- are valid. JM318 is doing a great job considering her age and level of maturity-- of seeking help, asking questions in forums, connecting with his Mom-- that I don't think I would have done when I was her age. But now, b/c I am in my late 40's with wisdom gained-- it is easier for me to understand my vet's behavior, what combat can do to the brain, how one's sense of morality can be shaken after trauma, and truly the intricacies of the human brain after trauma (I've been reading alot and also have a science background!). It's hard enough to change oneself!-- and adding PTSD in the mix while being in a relationship?-- along with what life can throw at you! -- I am trying to empathize and have compassion for him dealing and coping what's in his thoughts.

I don't know if I will hear from him, and so-- I am learning one day at a time to let him be, let it be and move forward. I really hope and PRAY! to hear from him! But it makes me wonder how we can grow through this all with the repeating cycles possibly? I don't know. But it does help to keep reading, journalling, and praying about things. When we last spoke, he mentioned that he was in a 'funk'-- and I gently asked him if he wanted to talk about it. But as usual, he wants to keep his 'thoughts'/his stuff to himself (is it the Marine in him to solve it? or the man in him? or the stubborn in him that I know & love?-- IDK). Anyways, he made this comment along with it that he 'may be seeking employment next year in Texas', he's just 'thinking' about it-- maybe cuz he was also fearing to tell me or share? Whatever the reason-- my heart nearly dropped to my stomach (and I even shared that quietly later on in the conversation)-- just expressing my feelings, but in hindsight maybe it sounded like guilt to him (not intended at all). Anyways, after crying in bed after that conversation and weeks of no contact, I'm coming to terms that b/c I love him and it's unconditional-- regardless of what he chooses to do, I will support him! I do that to any of my friends-- why not to this man I love dearly? ... So, if it doesn't turn out like I was hoping it would between us as a couple/partnership in love/soulmate etc.-- then I can be at peace that he entered my life for a reason and for a 'season'. But boy!-- I have my tough moments- really tough moments right now.

Last thing I want to say is-- reading about PTSD and it's impact on individuals can vary tremendously due to the person's experiences, time of trauma, personality etc. I can't fix him, and as supporters-- we can't fix our partner. If they want to seek help, they need to come to that realization and take responsibility and do it. --After reading a few combat vet with PTSD and relationship books, loved ones are encouraged NOT to ask too many questions and be patient for them to want to talk and just listen. I think my vet is in denial about the PTSD. It's taken over a year for him to actually start talking to me about looking into his VA benefits in a few years! (I was thinking... why NOT NOW???-- but I was just listening to him process and share.) ...Knowing I am here for him and he knows that I 'have his back'-- as he's admitted, and that I love him-- is his stability.

So JM318-- and Nae Nae-- I know your guy is in the 'flight' mode. Continue to seek support and take care of yourself as much as you can. If you plan to be in it for the long hall, being healthy and strong will be good for the relationship and coping what life gives you b/c PTSD is not going to go away (but hopefully, you both will learn your 'new normal'). It's easy to 2nd guess yourself on things you said, shouldn't have etc.. But you know what? You are in the relationship with him-- so you know that your intentions were good and genuine. Stay positive and have faith! Hope prevails!

 

[NaeNae75]

Hi, I'm new to the forum but have been reading various threads on isolation. I haven't heard from my...

Thank you for the kind thoughts....I'm pretty used to this....6.5 years later, lol. He's already on the "coming back around" phase. It will be a bit yet, but I know that too. I won't fret. I have been very proactive at sweeping in front of my door in the meantime. I use the time to do the stuff I know I need to. It's sort of always a reminder during these times.

I wish you well on your journey.

 

[MonkeeMoo]

Lol, Nae Nae--
I just edited my post, and I got a lovely reply back from you! I'm glad you are staying positive! ... Maybe that's what we should be chatting about-- what are ways we can cope / things to do -- while they are in 'solitude'?
p.s I like that 'sweeping the front door' remark! Funny. ... Glad to hear he is 'coming back around'

 

[JM318]

Hi, I'm new to the forum but have been reading various threads on isolation. I haven't heard from my...

That was a great way for me to wake up. Thanks for your kind words. I had my first panic attack at work yesterday out of no where that lasted an entire hour, I almost brought myself to the ER. My heart was racing and I felt like I as going to pass out. I realize that I need to continue to take care of myself bc I've been letting myself slip the last few days since we split up again. I won't let this get the best of me, I am a strong woman and A few friends told me they give me a lot of credit. @NaeNae75 I'm happy he is coming back around! I think it'll be quite some time before that happens for me, if it happens. I keep telling myself that just because he came back so many times, doesn't mean he will this time around. I need to prepare myself for that. But I know since we have so many mutual friends, I will see him around, so I need to pick up my broken pieces and start living for myself starting today. I wish you guys the best as well, I pray for us all every day and night. And thanks again @MonkeeMoo

 

[TerriB8511]

@MonkeeMoo Thank you! You have helped me so much as well. I am on a break up with my Marine as well. We are on 6 weeks of a break up after a 7 month glorious relationship, plans for the future, to get married, etc. We were FaceTiming on a Thursday night, he was triggered by his son's birthday on Friday, and went in shut down mode on Monday. But I'm thankful because he hasn't completely shut down and has never been hurtful. Just I can't do this and it's not fair to you. I still love you but it could take years, etc. He is going back to school and working full time, which I support...of course...so I am learning that time and space are the best things I can do for him right now. It stinks because we are on opposite coasts right now, but maybe that's for the best. I appreciate your wisdom though because it does put it in perspective. It doesn't hurt any less, but you're right. Focus on the good and pray! Hugs and love your way as well.

 

[JM318]

My veteran told me "it's you that brings out the negativity in me, not PTSD, it's annoying how you always bring it up" and then said the only thing he's learned in the month of therapy is that I am a huge contributor to his anger, anxiety and depression. I know the months leading up to his breakdown and finally deciding to seek help were rough. I did encourage it but he was the one who made the appt and wanted to go. I feel like he tends to focus on the negatives and how he is feeling "in the moment" or "lately" and not actually look at everything as a whole. He says he has nothing to bring to the table in therapy besides ME. Why me? Me? Or a relationship in general? Is he lying and saying therapy isn't helping him but it's just hard and he doesn't want to tell me? He's being so cold since the break up. I'm confused, any advice please?

 

[Nicolette]

it's annoying how you always bring it up

It's always easier to bury your head in the sand when you don't want to deal with or even acknowledge something. Being reminded of it only makes it worse.

What I've learned is that being the Supporter is the hardest job second to having PTSD. To be honest, I think the perfect world for any Sufferer would be to be alone and pick and choose the times they interact in a relationship as that would be the easiest way for them to manage their PTSD. Saying that, relationships aren't normally structured as such and they can be hard work for anyone suffering PTSD. PTSD is very selfish and I guess it has to be. It's therefore a very unfair and cruel monster to sit on the other side of at times. It doesn't define a person but it can make or break them let alone a relationship. Most days a Sufferer will be treading water to stay afloat and having a relationship can be like putting a ton of rubble on them while treading water.

then said the only thing he's learned in the month of therapy is that I am a huge contributor to his anger, Anxiety and Depression.

It's true from their perspective.... not rational or fair/just but true in the sense that being emotionally involved with someone forces them to have to put more effort into management of their PTSD leadind to heightened symptoms. It's not your fault that it contributes to their symptoms but it's a sad reality.

I'm sorry you're going through this @JM318 .... I wish I had answers for you.

 

[NaeNae75]

My veteran told me "it's you that brings out the negativity in me, not PTSD, it's annoying how you always...

Can I ask you a question? Are you contacting him, or he you, or both? This behavior is very normal...especially at the begging of therapy. Think about it, of course it's YOU he's bringing up, just like those closest are those who take the brunt of everything. You're safe to bring up instead of what is actually hurting him. It's "normal" for people to have relationship problems, normal for relationships to cause stress...and it probably is on the forefront of his brain, so it's the easiest stress to bring up.

So, I guess the only "advice" I would have is to just be patient and continue to work on your side of things so you can maintain your own sanity. Do things that make you happy in the meantime. If you choose to "stick it out" that is completely up to you. No one has the right to make that decision but you. Only you know how much you can handle and how long you're willing to "wait".

In the meantime, continue to do what you're doing. Good luck

 

[MonkeeMoo]

That was a great way for me to wake up. Thanks for your kin.d words. I had my first panic attack at work y...

Hi JM318--
I heard of this grounding technique if you have another panic attack-- maybe you've heard of it...

Tips that can help you with an anxiety attack:
-Look around you.
-Fine 5 things you can SEE, 4 things you can TOUCH, 3 things you can HEAR, 2 things you can SMELL, and 1 thing you can TASTE.
This called grounding. It can help you when you feel like you have lost all control of your surroundings

Sorry to hear about what you went through.

 

[Nicolette]

He's being so cold since the break up

Anthony can be like that anytime he is 'sick' (my word for PTSD tripping him up) and it's horrible to be on the receiving of it. I feel your frustration, confusion and pain. When I'm dealing with Anthony being unwell and going through my own 'issues' or dealing with my own stress, it's so hard to comprehend how they can be so cruel, cold and put all the blame on us....but they do and it's only when the fog clears for me that I can 'rationally' assess the PTSD versus my husband. Usually there are compounding good/bad stressors yet I'm the first one to wear all the blame even if it is all out of my control, let alone me dealing with my own stuff.

I can't afford to be out of control with my own feelings as they have a rippling effect and it's like they turn the heartless PTSD monster on. What is hard to digest is that my state does affect my husband and it isn't fair; in fact it's another burden to carry. I guess you can a liken PTSD to an iceberg... what you see is nothing compared to the size and depth of the reality from their perspective which they have to live through, if not try just to survive. When it comes to relationships, it's a double edged sword.

I'm sorry, I have the flu and can't seem to get my words out right. Hope this makes sense.

 

[NaeNae75]

Anthony can be like that anytime he is 'sick' (my word for PTSD tripping him up) and it's horrible to b...

It made perfect sense! We go through the same as well....abnormally normal....or something like that.

 

[MonkeeMoo]

My veteran told me "it's you that brings out the negativity in me, not PTSD, it's annoying how you always...

JM318
I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are to his response of negativity. It really is his responsibility to take ownership of his own feelings, but obviously-- he is pointing blame. It sounds like that's really what's surfacing out (negativity)-- so you seem to be the emotional punching bag bc he your so close to him.

Anyways, continue to keep taking care of yourself. Ii know it's hard. Find that hobby or spend time with girlfriends, continue to do that boxing thing with your trainer! That will help with punching out your frustrations! One positive thing about this process for him is that he is seeking therapy, but it will be a journey for him to heal his wounds. Just keep being you (that's what he likes about you!)-- but also, practice patience and letting him be him during this process. I'm at the point where (as much as I want to send my vet a text just to reach out-- since it's been 6.5 weeks!-- I need to let him want to maintain a connection with me. That means no pushing, no adding additional stress in his process, no 'reminding', no overwhelming, no contact. He knows I love and respect him. And that's what I can give him. ...I am really practicing alot of patience and also learning to let things 'be'. Praying and listening to podcasts on self-improvement helps me! ... I'm looking into joining a support group or talk to a counselor...

I'll keep you in my prayers!