I was abused as a kid and I feel like I'm some kind-of f*cked up freak/loser because I have all of these crazy problems from it. I've spent so long with these issues that I developed an entire identity and mental framework out of it. I think like, if I recover, then what the hell is life going to look like? I know it'll be completely different, in a better way, but that idea freaks me out a little.
Welcome to a very, very large club. What you describe - the life-long mental construct, fear of losing your identity as a f*cked-up abused person, thinking that you might be one of a very few people that has the kind of story you have - you didn't say that directly, but I'm extrapolating it - these feelings are incredibly common. If it helps to know: This is normal.
And, if it helps: these are all cognitive constructs that can ultimately be dismantled. You're not a freak/loser. Your entire identity is not shaped by it; if that were true, you'd not think it was at all a problem. So, there is at least a sliver of you that is grounded in a different identity - one that isn't a construct of your past. It's that sliver that you'll be building upon. And life actually doesn't become completely different - I don't have proof for that, but I know that absolute statements like 'completely' are generally distortions. Life will still be life, only better.
It also makes me sick to my stomach to realize that I've been robbed of nearly half my life because of the scumbags I was born to. Ya know? It's still really hard for me to understand what hell happened to me. But if I want to get better, I realize I have to work through it, understand it, and move on with my life. I would love to finally have a normal life, after so many years struggling to have one.
Again, join the club - your'e not alone in this stuff either. I'd encourage you to not get too deep into the anger until you're working with a therapist. It won't really help much, and will only contribute to you feeling shittier. That's my opinion.
Has anyone else felt this way? Does any gracious person out there have any experienced advice they could offer for this time in my life?
Yep. It all rings a bell for me, and these statements are quite similar to many others I've read on the forum.
It's like navigating a jungle to try and find a professional, intelligent, competent therapist who uses the best evidence-based practices out there. I hope I can find one of those.
Not really. You can find them at specific trauma institutes. The question is whether or not you can afford them, that's all. Knowing what I've read of your history on here, I'd personally recommend that you look into classic Prolonged Exposure therapy, at least to start. If you can stomach telling a chunk of your story repeatedly, it will be the evidence-based technique that keeps you in control of what you are talking about. And, since you are approaching just a big chunk of childhood, with many anecdotes, you'll be able to get on top of things a bit better, before you move onto something like EMDR. Right now, EMDR might be a bit overwhelming.
Do you have financial restrictions? Is it an option for you to look into trauma centers for a short burst of inpatient? With insurance, it can be surprising how some of them are actually covered. If I recall correctly, you're in NY state? I could be really wrong about that. But depending on how close you are to the city - columbia's trauma recovery program is excellent, mt. sinai also, and they both have active research wings, which means they are running clinical trials quite often. Clinical trials aren't just med trials, they are sometimes cognitive, sometimes neuro-based; they often come along with some kind of therapy provided, and it's all free. You won't get more evidence-based than a clinical trial.
I guess I'm just being childish about all this.
I am going to say, actually- yes, a little. But not in the way you think.
It's overwhelming. There's no way around it. And it's shitty as hell. But: every doc isn't an asshole, every therapist isn't crap. It's rare to find a treatment situation that immediately screams, 'I'm the right one!' - you'll need to be willing to stick with some things, sometimes, even if they are uncomfortable. It will all take much longer than you'd like it to. There's no instant gratification in recovery.
But - it's a road that many people walk successfully. It can be done.
I appreciate all the "likes" and everything, whatever those are worth, but does anyone here have anything they can SAY to me???
Guess what? Those likes mean that people have taken the time to read what you've written, and it's the support group equivalent of a roomful of people nodding their heads as you speak. So, they are worth quite a bit.
Check your privilege. Threads can take 24-48 hours to accumulate responses. Also, the more engaged you are with the community, the more the community will engage with you. Don't make demands on others - support will be given freely, if you allow the necessary space and time for it.
