The Terrible Road I'm On

[Livingkonanisland]

So for the last 5 years now my PTSD symptoms have grown out of control everything from binge and excessive drinking, rage and outburst, to now shaking in my hands and complete disassociation with everyone to include my young daughter and wife. My wife has moved a state away with my daughter and my other soon to be born daughter. I see them every month or more, mostly through pics and videos. I go to work and come home alone with my dog. I do my homework and go to bed. Sex and masturbation don't even appeal to me at all. I just feel like my life is on a constant slope down. I'm active duty and I'm having a hard time doing part of my job now. I joined and deployed as a line medic working in mass cals and long term patrol/air insert missions. Now I work as a Ortho tech and deal with major skin wounds, amputees, and severe broken bones daily. I just feel like the world is giving me the sign that my time is up and I'm no longer a productive part of anything. I'm a hyper rational person and I honestly see me driving off the road one day and not making it as a way to fix a lot of the marital problems in have caused. I look around the world now and I see people but I also think to myself "if they took a round to the chest right now what do I do" but in the back of my mind I comfort myself by saying "what does it matter? " Some people might agree to an extent but that is how I feel about everyone to include my closest family. I find myself feeling zero emotion for anyone. The moment my daughter was born I was handed her and I felt nothing. That is the worst thing I have ever experienced. I have been told that is one of the happiest days of your life, not in mine. Happy, joy, love, that warn feeling you get from people you love, yea I don't have those anymore. I feel like I'm alone on an island everyday. I swear to you I eat the same food nearly everyday. I just ate Mac and cheese, frosted flakes and peanut butter sandwiches for four months straight <--not over extricating this. I just want to know this gets better!!! I seemy psychology and psychiatry team and take all the meds they give me to no help. I see them weekly and I have talked with many folks about it. SOMEONE HELP ME!!

 

[bell]

It gets better.

You don't feel because you can't.

With therapy and a lot of work, you can learn to feel again.

It's worth the work.

You're worth the work.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey Livingkonanisland.

This may sound weird but what about start by getting something different for food. Maybe just one day a week, randomly. It sounds like you're in a negative slur, and the reason I'm pinpointing the food thing is that if you start by changing small things, it might become easier to take bigger steps out of the pattern eventually. The first change is the most difficult thing really.

Also keep in mind that certain foods (including those you are consuming) contribute to depression. You don't have to change over to super healthy straight away, but what about changing it gradually?

What about the drinking? It sounds like you're blocking your ptsd rather than venting it. Is it any idea to switch drinking just one day for some kind of activity like a long walk outside (couple of hours) or running?

 

[Wounded Scribe]

+1 @ what @Radise said :tup: Try 1 new food. Perhaps try stimulating your body in a new, productive, and healthy manner. I've turned to aroma therapy, and I change out candles twice a day, carry new aromas with me in a plastic zip lock bag, and when I need to remind myself, I still exist with the living, and I want to live, I breathe this scents in. My brain, can't help but process the new, pleasant stimulus and it has no untoward consequences.

If I said it get's better, it would be insincere of me because I've lived with mine for nearly 3 decades and I just started my own road to recovery. I just know, I am in therapy 3 times a week, I sleep a lot during the day, I try and do light exercise, and I believe this aroma therapy is helping me.

I wish you the very best in life. And I mean that will sincerity. You deserve it. I hope, you can find that spark to feel the warmth of your child's life. Also, if I may, please the next time you have the chance to see them. Hold your child against you. Hold their face against yours and feel the breath of their life blowing against your cheek. Breathe that life in. Allow the breath of their life to stir that inside of you. Many years ago, I found myself fighting for my life. I was on the verge of giving up, and I asked myself, "Why live?" "Name 1 reason to live?" I knew within the next breath, I wanted to be a dad one day. I was a teenager, I became a dad when I was 30. That hope, was powerful enough for me to fight. Harness it. It's there inside of you, or you wouldn't have reached out here.

Much peace and love to you

ETA: When I wrote, it would be insincere of me to say it get's better, I was referencing my own experience with PTSD. I know others find relief, and this is coming from one who took one to the chest. I hope you continue to come and share your journey, and recovery. I look forward to hearing stories of time spent with your children as you share and grow in that bond of fatherhood.

 

[KwanYingirl]

When I read that you're a medic, it brought to mind what advice do you give your patients that could help yourself? One thing that took a long time for me to accept, even though I still struggle with it, is to show up for treatment. I dont cancel therapy anymore. I made a commitment to really try not to avoid thinking or talking about my PTSD. Since I started weekly therapy with a trauma specialist, I am more hopeful and able to catch myself before I go down the rabbit hole to escape.
I get the food thing. It's tough to live alone and summon the excitement to cook. I use a crock pot. So easy, just throw in the food and turn it on.
Please keep up working on your healing. It takes time and there will be setbacks, but with guidance and support, you can release your agony. I think one thing PTSD does is shut off our feelings to make sure we don't feel the trauma, at the expense of us feeling joy and pleasure. You can get them back.

 

[Intrepid]

I made a commitment to really try not to avoid thinking or talking about my PTSD.

That's for me too! I went through years of therapy that didn't have an effect on the PTSD. I didn't talk about the trauma in a way that worked.

Oh, and I still only eat Raisin Bran for breakfast, and baloney sandwiches for lunch. And that's okay with me.

 

[shimmerz]

The moment my daughter was born I was handed her and I felt nothing. That is the worst thing I have ever experienced. I have been told that is one of the happiest days of your life, not in mine. Happy, joy, love, that warn feeling you get from people you love, yea I don't have those anymore. I feel like I'm alone on an island everyday.

I have had two grandchildren born this year. They are lost to me for reasons that are too long and complicated to get into. My god how I longed to be part of a happy loving relationship with them. And here I am - with the kids not even sending pictures.

For myself it has taken away a piece of my soul and an important one. I have had to shut down. The pain is too great. I don't feel like there is something wrong with you. I feel like there is something right with you. Of course this would kill a key part of you. If it didn't I would be concerned.

Will my situation get better? I don't know. Will yours? I don't know. Have I wanted to walk in front of a mack truck? Of course. I think it is a testament of your loving soul that has had you shut down for your own protection. I don't know what is in store for me or for you in this way but I want to walk tall and proud and each moment of each day I work on getting there.

Love and Light
Shimmerz