Supporter "the Trauma Of War Doesn't End When The Guns Stop Firing"

[ldj]

Hello everyone!

So glad I've found this forum. Here's a brief outline of what has brought me here...

My other half has PTSD. He left the army nearly 5 years ago (medically discharged, due to messing up his back and hips) and suffered depression at the time, his marriage broke down and he basically struggled to adapt to civilian life and find a new career for himself (he'd been a soldier since leaving school at 16 and was 30 when he left) He didn't receive the help and support he needed at the time and his PTSD went unrecognized and untreated. So he sank into quite a dark time, relying on drink and drugs for a while... then one day he snapped out of it and found the strength to 'pull himself together' and get on with life. Though of course, he was only burying his demons - they hadn't been properly dealt with, and he would drop back into bursts of depression every so often.

I met him just 9 months ago. He was going through a happy phase at the time and so, although he spoke about his time in the army, I had no idea he was still troubled by what he had experienced - his depression/PTSD was well hidden. So for the first 5 months we fell blissfully in love. As corny as it sounds, I really did (and still do) feel like finally, after 36 years of searching, I've found my soul mate! Things moved quickly and after only 5 months he moved in with me. And that's when everything started going wrong.

It was a gradual decline and I put it down to him being unhappy in work - his job role changed round about the same time he moved in with me (unfortunate timing) - more stress, longer hours, no pay increase, feeling unappreciated and his skills/talents unrecognized.....He became increasingly irritable, cold and distant... I started to feel like everything I said or did was wrong. We made love less often because he didn't seem interested and the less affection he showed me, the less I felt like reaching out to him. Every time I tried to talk, he reassured me it was just his job getting him down, nothing to do with how he felt about me. But it was still hard not to take things personally. Constantly walking on eggshells is draining!

So it was quite a relief in some ways when we were able to label it PTSD. (his Dad, also ex-army, managed to get it out of him in the end after they'd been out watching the rugby and my partner lost control and nearly punched someone!) This was about a month ago, so we're very early days on the road to recovery and I'm expecting it to be a long slog. But knowing there was a reason for all of his behaviour has made such a difference to my morale!

He's contacted a charity that helps veterans, but the earliest appointment they can offer with a therapist is February. In the mean time, he's been told to go on antidepressants and I'm supporting him as best I can to do all the right things, like giving up beer and caffeine, making sure he's exercising and he's taken up a new hobby - golf (bashing balls at the driving range is good for releasing anger so I hear)

But I find it difficult feeling so shut out and useless. I want to help, but he doesn't want to talk. I find the lack of warmth and affection hard to cope with too. But I'm just trying to keep busy and happy and give him space. I think the big thing for him is needing to find his new calling in life. The army is under his skin, being a soldier is who he is. He's not come to terms with the fact that he can't go back in. He misses his army family so much. He needs to find a career in the civilian world that will give him a sense of purpose back. Then I think he'll be a lot further down the road to recovery. Fingers crossed.....

Until then, I shall be patient and use this forum as an outlet for my frustrations and woes!

 

[Newmember]

Take care of yourself! And remember not to take things personally. You're on the right track :)

 

[Ka-9]

Glad youre here, and I know you'll gain a lot of support and clarity from others on the forum

 

[ldj]

Thanks both! :hug:

 

[Richie]

finding a job with appreciation is very unlikely to happen in civvy street. I have been out for 14 years and I am now studying new skills so I can work with the military as a clinical psychologist. People like your other half! He might find it easier to cope by using online resources to find veterans to chat to. I know a lot of people do that to keep in with the military community out here and I am one of them.
leaving the Army does not mean he has to lower his standards. I maintain my high standards and it always gets noticed at work. The presentable work clothes, doing my job properly, adherence to rules and being efficient are all well received in civvy street.

 

[ldj]

Arrghhhh, don't say that! This is what I'm fearing! He REALLY needs to find job satisfaction pronto before I lose the will to live with him! He's had so many knock backs though. He had his heart set on going back in the army a few months ago, but because of the medical discharge they won't take him back - even though his back has been given the all-clear by his doctor. He's 100% fit in the civilian world, but obviously the army have to be 100% certain that his back wouldn't fail out on the battlefield if WW3 suddenly broke out. They can't be sure of that, so he can't go back in. That was a real blow to him. Then a few weeks later he perked up at the idea of becoming a train driver or train controller following a suggestion from a mate from the army who's done just that - they pay really well and look favourably on ex-military. But it's REALLY competitive to get into. 2 failed application processes later, he's given up on that idea for now.
He's got a lot of military contacts, both still serving and veterans, including a mate who lives locally who also has PTSD, so he's got plenty of people to talk to who 'get' him. So having moral support isn't an issue. But he just seems to be stumbling and not getting anywhere. He's currently a lorry driver. It's lonely work, he needs to be around people. And it's boring him. Nothing I suggest is right though, so I've given up trying to find solutions at the moment. Only he can sort his life out I guess. I still don't think he's come to terms with not being a soldier again. I'm not sure what else he'd find as fulfilling. :grumpy:

 

[Richie]

I am driving trucks too and I have exactly the same problem. No job satisfaction, no sense of achievement etc etc etc. Its taken me a long time to figure it out but I am now in college on a social science access course. Next year I plan to start my HNC psychology at university then eventually work with military PTSD sufferers. I have a mate who is being medically discharged (for PTSD) in February. The system is a disgrace and they are pretty much dumped in the gutter after discharge. In fact, we all are no matter what physical or psychological condition we are in. The statistics would look a lot worse if we didn't have each other and charities to turn to

 

[Richie]

i know the hours are a lot in this job (i only work weekends and still hit 27 hours in 2 days) but what about volunteer work? Cadets or something like that. Its not ideal but it might help him along for the time being until he figures out where he wants to go. I am 39 and starting a new career path now. This time last year i had no idea that i would be where i am now. Figuring out what he wants to do is the hard part. I never imagined that i could study psychology and do something with it but here i am and its not like i am an ex medic. I am a scaley (Royal Signals) trying to completely turn my life around and do something worthwhile instead of just paying the bills. The only thing stopping him is himself!

 

[ldj]

@Richie - Good for you! :tup: You're right, it's never too late! I'm nearly 37 and contemplating where on earth my career is going and whether to start again (I've been a teacher all my working life, but last year decided to give up the workload and stress and become a teaching assistant. I'm happy I have time for hobbies and a life again, but it's frustrating and rubbish pay!) And yes, the only thing stopping him is himself. So change won't happen until he's ready to make it happen. It would be great if he could do some volunteering and /or training alongside his job, but the long hours are part of the problem. They constantly take the piss. He's on a day rate and was told his hours would be guaranteed 6am - 2pm, but he does far more than that because they keep giving him extra drops, but no extra money. Yeah, figuring out what to do is proving tricky.

 

[Richie]

i had been looking for something new for years and was interested in management of some kind but clearly things have completely changed this year. i h...

 

[ldj]

@Richie - did something go wrong sending that message? Looks like it ended abruptly with a quote that didn't appear?? :confused:

 

[Richie]

i wasnt sure :mad:

my decision was made after a chance conversation. my best friends wife is doing forensic psychology via open university (as a hobby) so i thought there is no reason that i couldnt do something at that level. i saw a careers advisor and attended an open day at college. i applied for a course but i was rejected in june and the college advised me to apply for a different course which will still get me on my journey. i heard nothing back for a couple of months and then was invited to attend an interview. after some clarification, i was misinformed by the college and was not eligible for that course so i was passed on to someone else. i was interviewed on the friday and started college on the monday! it turns out that the course i was successfully sold myself to get on was the course that i had originally been rejected for. i applied beyond the 80 applicant cut off point so i was binned without even being looked at. i am now 3 months into my course and its going very well. 12 months ago i was just driving a truck and looking around for something better but didnt really have an idea of what i wanted to do.

the point is that there are opportunities to get qualified as an adult learner and being Army will give him a head start. he has the discipline and motivation required to get the head down and do a course. i think i am looking at 8 years of university starting next year but guys like your partner are my motivation and goals. i now know exactly what i want to do and i am going for it. my life has completely turned around because of this and i feel so much more relaxed and happy than i did 4 months ago. life wasnt bad then but i hated my job and the people i worked next to. now i am on a course with people who i would have not considered associating with and it has changed me for the better. being ex Army got me on the course because everyone else on my course is a civvy and i would bring something different to the classes. universities prefer adult learners too for the same reason, life experience brings things to the class that school leavers dont have.

get him to see a careers advisor and possibly figure out if he can match his interests to a career and take it from there. he probably will have some self doubt about going to college and university but its not as bad as i thought it would be. i am actually loving it and looking forward to advancing to university next year. he should have his eyes and ears open anyway so all he really needs to do is have a think and he has plenty of thinking time in his truck. if he figures out what he wants to do then he will do it. i am living proof of that and i am no better than he is!