The Truth Be Told..........

[fly away home]

Hug for you Billie. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself, your a precious and valued girl and i want to see you pull through.

 

[billie]

Today was my first emdr sesh, I processed a lot of my mother attempts of killing us. After the session I felt a sence of calm, I thought of one of the most crutial events where she cut up my cat. seven hours on from the session I am now starting to feel angry which is a strange feeling as I usually aviod anger. I was calm and I am a bit floaty. My T gave me imagry to help myself ground. I could not think of anything safe but shooting out a window and using my T and Dr to resuce me (these two people are the only ones I trust). I have used this imagry today when I feel the memories may be sitting too long. So far so good. Next session of emdr will focus on living on the streets and after that, the ring. We recored our session if I decied to press charges, I think it would be nice to do oneday but only time will tell......

 

[billie]

I am a wee bit bummed from yesterday when my psychiatrist told me that I am not in a safe place yet to start any therapy with her. I have been working so hard with my psychologist over the year and it annoys me that people who have limited trauma do not realise that when you know nothing of a safe place where I am at now is the best I have ever been. She then mentioned that I should find a faith because it can help with my healing. I said that no god would of allowed what happen to the other kids and myself, and that I know of any god. So in response I said tongue in cheek that I will join the flying spaghetti monster cult! As if I would trust any group that has a bad rep for predators. On a good note she did comment on my intellect and my charm :). So there you go, I will continue to work hard with my psychologist so when I see my psychiatrist again next month so she can tell me that I am still not ready....... SERENITY NOW......lol.

 

[fly away home]

Seriously? Find faith? I think that's WAY out of line. You're onto her billie and I think that's a good sign your feeling pretty darn safe.

 

[billie]

Fighting with my self worth this week has been hard. My psychiatrist has put me in a spin and I'm not sure if I am spiralling down again. Went to work today and had a major conflict with another climber. It turned out he was lying about his ability and I keept calm and helped him. On the inside was a different story: I was loosing my s@#t. I later realized he triggered me with his lying which reminded me of the lies my abusers told when I ended up at hospital as a teen od. I thought I was screaming but maybe I was quiet. They lied to the staff and I was released back. I am so confused about myself I don't know how to put it into words.

 

[billie]

Maybe because Monday I am still having edmr about the woman who gave birth to me. She did a lot and broke my heart at a young age. She played games with myself and my twin. I ran away once and came back. She taught me that running wont help. When she cut up my cat she was delusional.I am writing this out only to preprepare myself for monday. I am safe because I am not human. My good thought is that I have a good psychologist and Dr. They are my support, they say I have a future. I need to focus on the here and now.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I'd process with the therapist, "I am safe because I am not human".

It can and does get better Billie, honest.

 

[billie]

Thanks @Albatross today I processed not being alive. It is one of my biggest hangups. It went okay.....
I also had an opportunity to talk about how I tried to hurt my captures one night. She saidit was the apappropriate thing to do at that time. I was only 15 she explained, with extremely limited options. I got the worst punishment for it by them when they caught me out. But it was one of the only times where I had control so I took the punishment well. It ment I pissed them off and they were scared of me for a tiny bit.

 

[fly away home]

You are alive, you are human, you are wise and you are so very kind.

You had control for a moment then and your strength has pulled you through so you now have control over your life and your healing and you are making so much progress. Just take a breath and be proud of yourself for a moment. I'm impressed.

 

[billie]

Thanks fly, I still don't dont feel human but I want to get there.

 

[billie]

EMDR got me thinking about how my cat went in a shoe box. My brother helped me. We gave her a burial. That was something at least.

 

[fly away home]

You did what was human in an inhumane situation. You grieved and still grieve for your cat. This is human.