The Truth Be Told..........

[billie]

Okay, so I am not starting at the beginning of my story of the horrific abuse as a kid, but I had to talk about this in session today. I still feel crap about it and I havent spoke about it yet. At 16 I was taken to various houses and used. This lady called C had a boyfriend M who was one of the two organisers who dealt with money and other stuff.

These parties I was made to perform acts with other girls in front of crowds. I think we were drugged at times, but mostly it was M and C who manipulate me to do it. It was almost a full time endurance of being manipulated ????

We were sent into rooms sometimes to do things. During the weeks I would stay at C and we would all go places this is where I witnessed rape, and I feel bad not being able to do anything and I didn’t know who these people were. This happened for about a year or so.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

(((billie))) I can relate and I'm so sorry.

 

[billie]

Thanks hun. Still a bit in shock today is the first day I have ever spoke about this

 

[billie]

I think I was 16????? Not sure...

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I was 17.

 

[billie]

(((Hugs))). I can't begin to think I have opened the floodgates to a new hell by dealing with this. It's funny when you think you have a grip on trauma you reflect on other stages of your life and think woaaa I am one messed up pup. I don't know how to feel I think I may cry soon. I could not tell my T in words today so I sent her an email telling her what happened.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

That's good billie. I have learned that it doesn't matter in what way you get it out--whatever feels safe is best. I often find that with written word, I can articulate how I feel so much easier when I'm feeling crazy. Otherwise, it just comes out so fragmented because of the shame (not mine) that I feel. It paves the way to one day talk about it verbally.

Crying is so cleansing. I do it so rarely. When I do, it feels so good afterward and I can't figure out why I didn't do it sooner.

You're doing great!

 

[billie]

Thank you. So far in this forum I have been too scared to revile myself but I am slowly getting there. I can't tell you in words how I feel knowing I am not alone. I know I wrote oddly by not starting at the beginning, but that is extremely hard to put into words. I am not ready yet to validate my first 9yrs of life.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I understand. Revealing is hard. I know what you mean about "not being ready yet". I get so afraid of what people will think of me--again, the shame.

 

[saoirserylyn]

@billie After reading what you've written here, I can't imagine how tough verbalizing this is. I think you did a wonderful job clearly telling part of your story. It is hard letting the flood gates down, the more I've talked about, the easier it seems to crawl inside my shell, but every day is a struggle to be brave and acknowledge the past. Wishing you the best of luck. Seems like you are doing a wonderful job so far.

 

[InsideAWord]

Talking about trauma is rough, and it is definitely exhausting. I usually do it in spurts at the end of the day. Keep on going, girly

 

[billie]

So I am a bit angry today. I want to know, are we randomly picked from a crowd to targeted or can preditors see us? I thought I was a strong girl now. I am a fit atheletic and toned. Last night I was at a party this girl came onto me. She threw me onto a table and tryed to get her hands down my pants. Two freinds came in and saw got her off me. Again. Why? I thought I was strong. I am angry at myself.