The Truth Be Told..........

[EvenStrongerNow]

(((billie))) Sorry that happened. I know how you feel feeling like a target. I am so GLAD you had friends there who were able to help you.

 

[billie]

K. Still going through psychotherapy. Some things in life cannot be unseen or undone. I have moved through some of the trauma of serious abuse. I was turning 16 when I became entrapped in the ring. It has made me not human. Other children as young as 11 were there too. I think mostly they are dead or substance abuse. I wont give up tho, I did not have the power to stop it, none of us did. Helplessness can travel with you for years and at the moment I am sedated and chilled. I am safe. I am real. I will eventually release and let go my part as a victim. Time will tell......

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

((((@billie)))) You are so strong and so brave!!!

 

[fly away home]

Yes. You are safe and you are real. You are an amazing girl Billie.

 

[billie]

I give anything to be a human and to feel safe and loved. This is my goal (I don't see it as realistic) but I want to feel. I am a biological system with an enlarged amygdala. I have read the evidence that supports the idea of it's reduction from psychotherapy. I just don't know if there is enough time in this world for this to happen. In the meantime I carry on pretending, hoping my flaws do not show through the cracks. I have survived a few attempts, but I have promised my T that I will comply to our contract. This is my endurance training.

 

[nomedic1]

You are an incredible person Billie

 

[billie]

Yesterday my ex needed me. A family member was in emergency and she asked me to come down. I came straight away. As I walked in I saw the body and couldnt work out if they knew or not. From there I disasociated and silently lost my shit. I had no concept what was happening. My ex sister in law took me out side and she asked what is wrong with me. I said I am not stable and I have ptsd. I was not really coherent. She said to me that I was in no state to travel the next morning yet work with venomous snakes. She canceled my job. My boss tried to make me pay for my flights but she sorted him out. So today I have been recovering. I had a massive breakdown. My ex wanted me to be her rock, I tried but it is hard with ptsd. I am still not with it and I have uni tomorrow now that I am not flying out. cPTSD has slowly consumed me. It has to get better.........

 

[fly away home]

It will get better Billie.

That is a massive thing to take in. Death is not something we have been taught to deal with in our culture. As a result we don't tend to cope well in the face of it. Add PTSD to the mix and I think your doing extremely well to even be posting today. You have found words. This is good.

We will lose our shit over and over again, but each time it happens we start to remember how to clean ourselves off and brush ourselves down, have a quiet moment in the corner while compiling all the fragmented parts of our mind and when we are ready, get back up and face life again. It's hard but you are strong.

Take some time for yourself. Must you go to uni tomorrow? Please take care of yourself Billie. You deserve some caring.

 

[billie]

thanks @fly away home I think I am still disacoiated slightly

 

[fly away home]

To be expected Billie. Be gentle on yourself.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

(((@billie)))

 

[billie]

I am so overwhelemed today I wish somebody could have saved me. I can feel body is leaving my skin. I cannot stop shacking. Today I have to ride this one I am begging this to stop in silence.