The Truth Be Told..........

[billie]

Feelings of jumping out of my skin. I am not sure where exactly my somatic feelings are steming from, I assume it's from EMDR yesterday. Today I am a child, I cannot ground so I will just go with it. This is what my T refers to as processing, I feel unsure and confused. I survived, but I feel guilty my twin is damaged more than me. sometimes I had to submit to her games, when she would have a knife to my brother's throat I would say what she wanted me to say as he just had a blank stare. His eyes will never leave me. his screams will never leave me when she burnt him. I love him am I want the world for him. No more for tonight, this really has struck a nerve. Must return to the here and now

 

[fly away home]

Safe hug Billie. Keep safe sweet heart.

 

[billie]

Today I took climbing to a place I usually don't go. I needed a release, I needed a way out. It's been a tough week. I have my T tomorrow thank goodness.

 

[J_trustno1]

I can empathise billie. I hope you are feeling okay. You are a brave soul and I believe in you.

 

[billie]

Thanks @jesstrustnoone. You are a huge support for me.

 

[fly away home]

Just be careful hun. Pushing limits feels so good, I know, but be careful.

 

[J_trustno1]

Awww @billie , thanks. You are a great support to me as well. I hope you have a great day today :)

 

[billie]

I want to be free whatever that is. My anixety is growing. I have my T today and I need to tell her that I am not coping. I feel like a prisoner I have to same feelings of my 15yr old self. I noticed now that my triggers are if anyone is interested in me, I revert back to complete submission and the SIs begin. I need to hide myself from the world. My 15yr old is dangerous.

 

[fly away home]

Hang in there Billie.

 

[billie]

Tomorrow morning will be emdr my T kindly made room for me. My house has been made safe again and I will be taking on some hard challenges. I feel like a complete waste of space I could not help the others. This turmoil has destroyed me. I am sedated I am safe - whatever safe is.....

 

[nomedic1]

You are strong Billie you can survive this I know you can

 

[J_trustno1]

You are NOT a waste of space billie. Everything that has happened to you was not your fault and you feeling in a turmoil isn't your fault either. It is a byproduct of your trauma which is a normal reaction all us possess. You are a wonderful being and a great friend. I'm happy to have met you and I love your sense of humor. Have a wonderful day today billie. You can do everything and you will get there. And Don't give up! Take care.