The Truth Be Told..........

[fly away home]

Hope today goes ok for you. Keep your grounding strong.

 

[billie]

I reflect and think, who are the other kids involved in this? My psychologist says there were other kids before me and there would of been other kids after me when I was pulled out from that hell. We have been recording my sessions but today I think I am beginning to be scared of ever pressing charges. My psychiatrist says the police wont necessarily arrest them straight away with just one report. How do I know if the others are? I feel stiff with fear just thinking about it, I don't know if I will ever have the courage to go through with it. Funny, I am worried if I will ever be properly grounded again. I need to write a positive note to cbt this....... I am grateful for my friends.

 

[billie]

Bad 24hrs. Yes I was there. Yes it happened. I was not the only one. I could not save anyone. The realizations of being filmed startles me to the core. f*ck it tomorrow is another day.

 

[billie]

I made a serious promise to my T today, she asked me to not continue my self harming. She has done so much for me and I am now torn. There is no way I would disrespect her, I just don't know what plan B is yet.........

 

[billie]

Ex blaming therapy for my downward spiral. I feel so much more in control with identifying her negativity and conditions. She still states that we will end up together again when I am "fixed". She blamed my T for me being hospitalized on Monday night. She has never taken steps to learn about complex trauma. My T and GP are fantastic and I would be dead without them. I have maintained my promise to my med team, I want to recover.

 

[J_trustno1]

Well done billie.

 

[fly away home]

Oh Billie, are you sure you're not talking about my ex? Lol. Exactly the same attitude!

Keep strong. You have a good support team there. Honesty is powerful and you have that in spades, you will get yourself through. X

 

[billie]

Interesting how our exes are similar. I look at it in third person now (taken a huge shift to do) and I wonder if they could no longer be our partners because we are trying to make a better life for ourselves.

 

[fly away home]

I think that is pretty much it. They can't accept that we need to grow and change. They prefer us to remain unaware of ourselves and our needs, it suits them but not us. We try to move forward. They stay the same. It's just how it is.

 

[billie]

Challenged by my T this morning to stop my self harming behaviour. This is hard, as I promised I stopped doing one thing and replaced it with another.

 

[billie]

Making a decision on where to go. Everyday is a struggle, I try to blend in but it is wearing thin. Not sure how mch more I can take.

 

[fly away home]

Xox. Hang in there hun.