Therapist Anguish

[Work It Out]

Part of what made my PTSD/situation a lot worse than what it began as was the experiences I had with a variety of mental health professionals. The best way I can describe what happened to me was I had a sort of a mental breakdown over a period of about six to seven months.

My brain was gearing up; I was undergoing a lot of changes, personal growth and personal development; I was a full-time college student, a resident assistant (dorm dad), working part-time, and also pursing personal romantic and career interests. But a relationship I had with one particular person - who was NOT an abuser - was what fueled everything I did, but at the same time, it was distressing because in my head we would be on the same page, but in reality, we wouldn't be on the same page at all. In the end, it felt like I was changing my entire life and working myself to the bone for him, and he didn't even understand it.

It ended up - literally - driving me crazy. I would break down crying almost daily; the relationship I had with this person was primarily online via chat, phone, and Facebook. We lived far apart and one of the key issues stressing me was making the decision to travel to see this person; this person's main objective was to fall in love and get married; I was simply happy that I had met someone who inspired me so much to work so hard and to really live by my ideals and my values. I was hoping he would notice but it just frustrated me that he spent so much of his time - if not all of it - living in a romantic, whimsical world, seemingly unaware of how much of an effect he had on me, and in turn, everyone and everything around me and everything I chose to do. He wasn't actively controlling my behavior - as an abuser would - but inadvertently, since I found him to be inspiring. I would swing between angry, and then peaceful and centered constantly. Not that there's anything wrong with that; it just didn't get me anywhere.

I was treading emotional, as well as mental and physical water, paddling as hard as I could but never getting anywhere; on the one hand, wanting to commit myself fully to the situation before me, but on the other hand, terrified that I had no support, that I was heading in the wrong direction, that the main person behind this all didn't even understand what was going on.

My original reason for starting this post was to vent about my experiences with mental health professionals; but I ended up storytelling a little bit more than I planned. During the entire period of this experience, I sought professional mental help. But I always felt that either one of two things, or both, was happening during my "sessions":

1. the person failed to understand the severity of my symptoms, what I meant by "stress", and "losing my mind"; you could say, unable to understand the current state of mind, and:
2. the person was unable to identify the desired state of mind and fabricate a concrete plan as to getting there

Now I'm not mad specifically at the therapists I saw; I think they are wonderful people who do the best they can with what they have, and do the best they know how to do. But that's the problem: they were UNPREPARED. It was as if they had NEVER encountered even a story, even someone TALKING to them about this type of experience. And they probably hadn't. No training. No explanation; no background; nothing. THAT is a problem to me. If you have letters after your name (LMHT, PsyD, whatever) you better sure as hell be able to do your job. And if you can't, recognize that you can't in a timely manner and refer your patients to somehow who can help them. I can't put into words how much - by no direct fault of the therapists I saw - my experience seeking help in that stressful time made me that much more angry, bitter, jaded, and broken in my life and in my situation.

I began researching mental disorders during my stress, not out of a desire to label myself, but in the hopes that the symptoms of something I came across would somewhat resemble what I was experiencing; the closest I could come was PTSD. I would bring that up in sessions, and of course, logically, something each of the professionals asked me, over and over again, was "What was your trauma?" (laughs) And when asked that, I would simply tell them the story again and say, "There is no trauma; I'm just simply losing my mind!"

I guess the main point of this post is to see if anyone else can relate to anything that I went through - either on the "set-up" end of things (the stress that led to everything else), or on the "recovery" side of things (therapists that, despite their best efforts, did not seem to have any frame of reference with which to compare what you were going through to and were essentially ineffective in providing you with any concrete assistance). And if nothing else, it's just venting. Thanks for reading. ;)

 

[mamachick]

Work it out- I read your post and forgive me, I have trouble comprehending things I read at times from a traumatic brain injury so I need to clarify.

I am hearing you say that you went through a period of about 6 or 7 months that the stress was extremely high due primarily to your life demands but the straw that was breaking the camels back was an on line relationship that you developed. However, your goal and the others goal in this relationship were not the same, or it was never discussed and he seemed oblivious to the fact that you were very invested in this relationship, much more so than he. You were motivated in other actions by this person and it sounds like you were left very confused and with the feeling of loosing your mind (much more than stress).

I take it that no therapist diagnosed you with ptsd? As you state that you researched that and the symptoms seem to match.

To be honest, I am not exactly certain what you went through by what you have stated. It sounds like your life was already very full with school, work, dorm dad, and other activities. That is enough to make anybody very stressed. Then this relationship that you had-it seems that the two of you had different expectations that were not communicated.

You state "in the end I was changing my entire life and working myself to the bone for him, and he didn't even understand it". Maybe if you could elaborate on that a bit, how were you changing your whole life and working yourself to the bone for him? My intent is not to be intrusive but I just need more information in order to respond.

Also, what were your symptoms during these 6-7 months? How bad did things get and were you hospitalized? And how did you recover from this episode? And how are you now?

It is really rude for a therapist to laugh and ask what your trauma is. That is a poor way to address a client's concerns. Did the therapist give you a diagnosis as they have to make a diagnosis for records ? Often times, past trauma's raise their ugly head later in life and during stressful situations. They can be from early childhood and managed until something sets it off, a minor accident, and aggressive partner, or even surgery or childbirth or sleep deprivation.

Sorry for so many questions and if I don't have any experience with what you share, Im sure other will be very willing to give you feedback.

 

[Work It Out]

brat17, I appreciate your lengthy and through response! I sort of knew in the back of my head as I was writing that I wasn't being as articulate as I was hoping to. But since you wrote everything out so nicely, it should be easy to write back.

I never had a diagnosis of PTSD; many of the therapists were adamant about diagnosing me with depression, which made me angry, because feeling sorry for myself was the least of my worries.

My whole life, I had been a very good thinker with a very analytical mind. I was very good at understanding differing points of view, as well as problem-solving, etc., breaking things into steps. But I had never been much of a "long-term goal" person; when it came to concrete things like construction, etc., I've never had much natural talent. The more stressed I got, the harder it was for me to remember things; I couldn't calm down. I couldn't focus on what was important to me. I couldn't prioritize. I couldn't be assertive, sincere, genuine. At the worst of it, everything felt like a lie and I didn't know who, or what, I was living for.

It was sort of bi-polar-ism, but not manic-depressive. It was more like, on the one hand, I felt like everything in my life was finally falling into place. I was so extremely overjoyed at the thought of having a definite direction and something I wanted to investigate and do, a way to harness my talents. And then on the other hand, I had fear, preoccupation, I guess, hysteria you could even call it. That I was doing everything wrong, making the wrong decisions, doing things for the wrong reasons, that I shouldn't even be communicating with this person.

The stress/relationship with the person lasted from November of 2010 through June of 2011. The stress peaked around March of 2011. During this time, I had such a hard time focusing and living a clear life, for myself, that I truly believed I had lost my mind and that there was nothing I could do to get it back. Because I believed this, I had suicidal thoughts, not because I felt sorry for myself, but I believed I had simply just truly burnt myself out, that there was nothing that could be done about it, and the most respectable thing for me to do would be to remove myself from this "Earthly" situation. How could I be of service to anyone if I was truly losing my mind, not being able to focus, remember, care deeply about others because I was so scatterbrained? I saw therapists the entire time, but the most advice they had for me was, try to cut back on how much you're doing, and maybe I needed an antidepressant.

Back when I was seeking treatment, I found this article which pretty accurately described what I had gone through. Look at the "Phases" section:
It's the Wikipedia page for "Burnout (psychology)". I can't seem to be able to post a link, but you can find it through Google.
I showed it to my then-current therapist and she just smiled and highlighted the part that said "depression" and said, See? You're depressed!

But back to storytelling: I guess I can call my friend Bill. He was (is) a very emotionally active person. He claimed that he had PTSD because he been mugged several years ago. But that main reason I was attracted to him was how emotionally active he was, and also, his interest in nature and wildlife, conserving habitats and the what-not. As a child, that had been a major interest of mine - wildlife conservation, that is - and encouraging our American culture to have a greater relationship to wildlife than what we currently have. The problem is... getting into the business and politics and rhetoric that surrounds those issues is so complicated, being able to articulate goals related to wildlife conservation can be very difficult to do. Also, trying to reconcile your views with the very adamant views of someone else can be difficult; Bill had a very difficult time empathizing with other people, while this was my strong suit. Especially during this leg of my life, I had recently developed tricks and tools I used that made myself very able to clearly understand where someone was coming from if they had feelings or an opinion about an issue, regardless of what that opinion was. For example as a youth, I had identified as politically liberal, but at the time, I found myself equally able to understand both liberal and conservative backgrounds and ideologies. As a teen, I had been extremely wary of Christianity and religion in general, but then, I managed to focus on the positive outcomes of religious practice, and embrace a variety of religious views. I felt like I needed every venue, every avenue of media available to be used to spread my message; but even then I had a hard time articulating what my message was.

I was interested in a local farmer because, like many farms where I live, he produced beef, corn, and soybeans. But unlike most other farms where I live, he refrained from implementing "excessive" technology in his farming practices. This farmer made it a point to "not have any piece of equipment that cost more than $3000". More importantly, he offset technology that he didn't use by hiring more manual labor. That is the piece I was most interested with, since I was interested in programs that got people working with nature on a daily basis. Even though agriculture is not wildlife, people who work on farms have a much better understanding of wildlife than people who don't.

I promised him that I would promote his farm on campus and come work with him during the summer. I never did any of that.

I appreciate the info on traumatization. Most of my therapists diagnosed me with depression. I saw five altogether.

I'm sorry to stop but the memories are kind of all just washing over me right now. It's been a long time since I've thought about all this; in fact, I've tried to not think about it for quite a while now.

All I can add is that, when I was at my most-stressed, I saw having a relationship with Bill and pursuing what I felt was my destiny in life as an ultimatum; I did not see both things being able to happen together harmoniously. I could either pursue what I felt that I needed to do, or I could set things aside and try to make this one man happy, which of course, wasn't even that hard to do. I know compared to a lot of other people here, this seems like hardly an excuse to be here. Maybe there's some other forum I belong on. I was terrified of the idea of leaving Bill out of my life, leaving him behind. His heart and mind were set on me moving there to live with him, and there seemed to be no way I could get that thought out of his head. It wasn't a bad thought or a malicious thought, but it tore me up inside nevertheless. I promised him that I would come to see him, and I did. For three weeks, and then I left. I guess hysteria, and burnout, are the best words to describe what I went through.

How am I now? Less ambitious I guess. Mellow. During the past year or so, I've engaged in many dysfunctional relationships as a way to cope with what happened. I'm trying to break myself of that "habit"... that is the biggest step in my healing right now. I feel like everything I do now is a disappointment; that I can never truly do something that my parents will be proud of. My parents tried to be helpful during my period of stress, but they really just got worn out and weren't able to help. I used to feel terrible guilt because I felt like I neglected my family and worked instead. I was a sophomore in college that year. After I visited Bill, I transferred schools, but my mind was still too messed up to focus on schooling. In December of 2012, I self-admitted to a hospital. When I came in the door, they just stamped my sheet with "depression/anxiety" and asked if I wanted some meds to "help me sleep." I also spent five days at a sort of a "halfway home" for people having mental health crises. December 17, 2012, I moved back in with my parents, 120 miles away. I was angry and at my wit's end; I would fight with my parents for no reason. I felt abandoned, like I had looked to them for help and they just didn't understand. Tried going back to school in January; really didn't want to. Ended up taking one night class, but never turned in my final paper.

I just don't really wanna type about this anymore. And I know I got off track from what you asked... I guess all I wanted to know was if anyone else was frustrated with their therapists. Or a "burnout". :p Hope maybe that helps.

 

[Rumors]

Sorry, but it sounds to me like this relationship with Bill is just dredging up deeper issues. Bill is the catalyst. Failed relationships are natural. Burnout is natural. I encourage you to look deeper. I also encourage you to get somewhat honest with yourself and, if you return to therapy, lay it all out. Half a story doesn't work or just giving bits of information doesn't work. Therapists don't have ESP so in order for them to truly help you, I think you have to get down and dirty.

Your relationship with Bill may have been the straw that broke the camels back, but it isn't the reason why you seek therapy.

Good luck! I really hope things work out for you. Hang in there!

 

[Hashi]

many of the therapists were adamant about diagnosing me with depression, which made me angry, because feeling sorry for myself was the least of my worries...

I had suicidal thoughts, not because I felt sorry for myself, but I believed I had simply just truly burnt myself out

Work It Out, I want to say this as gently as I can, but when I read these two things... ouch. Depression doesn't equal feeling sorry for yourself. It's a serious psychological condition, not a poor attitude. I say that partly as someone who has experienced a lot of depression and suicidal ideation and doesn't want that invalidated as feeling sorry for myself. But also because I think you might be putting obstacles in the way of your own recovery by dismissing depression in this way.

I don't know whether you have PTSD or not, and I agree with what Brat and Rumors have said, that it's possible that the more recent situation has been a catalyst for symptoms from earlier trauma to emerge. Or perhaps the more recent situation has brought out other issues which, while serious and needing healing, may be something other than PTSD. Something doesn't have to be PTSD or complete burnout/breakdown for it to to be a valid issue. Depression itself can be devastating and even incapacitating. It's not a character failing, it's an illness.

I never had a diagnosis of PTSD; many of the therapists were adamant about diagnosing me with depression... but I believed I had simply just truly burnt myself outI guess all I wanted to know was if anyone else was frustrated with their therapists.

I'm getting the impression that you're frustrated with your therapists because they said something you didn't want to hear. If several therapists were adamant about diagnosing you with depression, I think that's something worth paying attention to rather than rejecting it because it doesn't meet an image that you have about what depression represents.

It feels like you will fight to the last against the suggestion that you have depression, that it's somehow an invalid and inadequate label for what you're experiencing. I don't think that a therapist merely suggesting anti-depressants and cutting back on activities is helpful, but it's hard to know how they might have worked with you and treated you if you had been receptive to working with them on depression.

You may well have seen psychiatrists or therapists who weren't a good match for you, but I think the issue might also be confused by your own strong feelings about diagnosis and what conditions are "acceptable". It can be very hard to see ourselves with any mental health condition, and this has been a really big struggle for me. In my case, I have been very resistant to accepting that I have anxiety to the extent I do - I used to think this should be something I had more control over. It was only when I accepted that I have it, and that it's a serious condition that I need help with, that I began to recover.

I wish you well, whatever your diagnosis, and hope you find healing.

 

[maddog]

I could not agree more strenuously with all that Hashi has said, and couldn't have said it half as well.

Maddog

 

[Misul]

I also agree with Hashi.

Misul

 

[Abstract]

I too totally agree with what has already been said here. As Hashi said the diagnostic issue seems to be central here.

I am going to answer as if there isn't a traumatic incident in your past because of you seemingly saying that.

I can see many things that possibly added to your breakdown here that I think would help you to work on. I hope it is OK to say them directly to you. This is all just meant to help.

an ultimatum; I did not see both things being able to happen together harmoniously..... or I could set things aside and try to make this one man happy,

This is very problematic thinking and can be linked to many things that can be helped. You might want to look up co dependent behaviour, dependent personality disorder, enmeshment and black and white thinking.

The other thing that occurred to me is that sometimes attempting to please someone at all costs can be linked back to a re enactment of not being able to please a parent and trying to correct that.

It might also be worthwhile looking at if you feel you have unusual thinking about subjects quite often where you seem to be out of step with those around you as that could be discussed in therapy too.

I also think there may be serious issues with reading motivations into others words without checking to see the reality of what they mean or be open to it. Your impression of depression and refusal to look at a different and professional perspective on it is something that you may need to look at. If you do that in other parts of your life too.

Depression can be totally devastating and annihilating condition and our thinking can be a huge part of what fuels it. Some people literally end up catatonic and in the past I have ended up a hairs breadth away from such a state.

 

[mamachick]

All of the above posts express what I would have said too. Please know that many people on this forum were diagnosed with depression/anxiety before ptsd, sometimes months, years, or decades.

Depression is a brain disease. It is the only brain disease that has a negative stereo type attached. Multiple sclerosis, altzheimers are brain diseases, and nobody thinks that they suffer because they feel sorry for themselves. Many thing depression is something minor-it is not, left untreated it can become very complicated and even have effects such as psychosis.

It sounds life this period has totally derailed your life. It has hijacked your mind. The answer is not ending your life-there is too much help out there and your life can become manageable again. I agree with others-going back to therapy, trying medication with an open mind is essential. I am making the assumption that you are young as well, and this is a time that bi-polar often first presents itself in some of what you describe (I am not diagnosing, only suggesting further exploration). Again, you have to see professional and let some of the defenses down-they are the expert in this area. One of the reasons that therapist recomend meds is that it can be impossible to work with someone who is so depressed or manic that they cannot focus on the issues in the therapy setting.

Once you establish that therapeutic relationship, it will be much easier to explore the root of whatever you are experiencing so that you can prevent and manage better in the future. I hope you are open to what others are saying here, most of us have been through questioning diagnosis at some point. I know that I first did not believe I had ptsd when diagnosed, or was at least skeptical. Further, when she said it originated in my childhood and not from a recent event, I was very skeptical. It is worth listening to a professional as our guide. It is not a character weakness.