Therapist Painting A Pretty Picture

[Dana1010]

So I'm in therapy today and my agoraphobia and avoidance of socializing comes up along with the issue of trust. There have been many betrayals; I've had liars and fakes and traitors swindle what they wanted from me and discard me like trash. In all good faith, my survey is that there is risk inherent in trusting anyone. Does that statement strike anyone as over the top or unduly cynical?

Well, my therapist said that if I were listening to my body and my instincts, I would not have had anything to do with the people who hurt me and I would only have associated with inherently good people that I could have trusted a hundred percent. I told her I've met people who seemed like a dream at first only to turn into different people before my eyes. I've been with someone who was the finest person you'd hope to meet who wound up hurting me nonetheless. I repeated, there's a risk inherent in trusting anyone. She continued to paint a pretty picture and tell me that absolute trust is possible, and I overestimate the threat of dishonesty and so forth. I would have given her more credence if she just said, "Take the risk."

Look, there are sociopaths and con artists among us who have hacked human psychology. They've stolen the watchword and can get into the sanctum. The fact is you can't be sure you really know anyone.

What are your experiences with therapists who paint a pretty picture versus those who are more pessimistic? I think I would find that someone who shared my pessimism would at least be validating.

 

[Jane.l]

I find your t's statement- that if you were listening to your instincts you would only associate with 'good' people totally bizarre - and offensive

Sometimes we are just looking out for the wrong things - I have spent my whole life watching out for people who might hurt me physically so I totally didn't see that I was with someone who was emotional abusive - I have massive trust issues and have been betrayed by so many people that it's hard to have a balanced view but maybe it's not so much about us trusting people maybe it's more about having our boundaries set in stone if nothing else I am getting more assertive through therapy which can only be a good thing moving forward - so not planning on trusting anyone anytime soon but feel I am more able to keep a relationship in the place I want it - if that makes sense

 

[risingsun]

In all good faith, my survey is that there is risk inherent in trusting anyone.

First off. I am truly sorry about the agoraphobia that you are experiencing. I am a caregiver for one and know how tough things can be and how tough things can get. My heart goes out to you. Never lose hope. There is recovery.

I have had a therapist say that if I had a different attitude, then I would attract the right people. That is like saying we get punished and karma hit us with bad people because of something we did, because we didn't listen to our instincts. I said to my therapist, so it was my fault everyone I knew betrayed me when I became traumatized and severely depressed, when I was so close to death physically? Well, she said, that's different. Is it though? Betrayal is Betrayal. Then I tell her, so it was my fault people at my workplace bullied me severely? See, she really didn't have these answers.

I believe we come across people and yes, they sometimes turn right before our eyes into cruel and narcissistic figures and sometimes even sociopaths. I don't think its something we did wrong. For some reason, it was supposed to happen and it did and on some level we learned from that. Even better, maybe they learned from us. We don't always know the plan.

In fact, this very therapist turned before my eyes and I realized in the end she was a narcissist getting validated by her patients. I am not saying yours is by any means. I am just saying that, no, we can never really trust anyone without truly getting to know them. They must earn our trust through their consistency, how they treat us and others, and how constant they are in their lives. They are not one person in the morning and another in the afternoon. They are not one person with us and another with other people. They remain with us even through crisis.

I would have gave her more credence if she just said, "Take the risk."

I agree with that.

And I think that you should be validated in therapy. Simple platitudes are not effective.
As for your assessment on people, betrayal, and trust, I agree. Betrayal happens sometimes when we least expect it. It is hard to get back out there and trust people again. I think, though, with our experiences with covert and overt narcissistic people that we are better off at spotting them now, even as fun or nice they appear on the outside. And we do get better each time with our boundaries.

I am working on trusting others now. It is hard when you have been hurt by emotional vampires. I wish all the best for you. Dana, you will find the right people, people that will stick by you through thick and thin. Never lose hope in that. All of your experiences have made you wiser and stronger than you realize. Warmest to you. Rising.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Are you sure she wasn't talking about taking a risk but while being careful about it and getting to know them first? Because you are talking about two extremes here. Maybe you misunderstood.

 

[Dana1010]

I find your t's statement- that if you were listening to your instincts you would only associate with 'good' people totally bizarre - and offensive

Well, to be fair, I am paraphrasing. How does your therapist react when you state your "cynical" views? Does she douse you in platitudes about people's inherent goodness or does she let you vent?

 

[Jane.l]

My T says he is not the slightest bit surprised I don't trust anyone but that- that is what a lot of our therapy is based on - learning that it's ok to trust him and building on that - it's so tough.

 

[risingsun]

I think that you know there is goodness, it is just a matter of finding it when you have come across so many people with no moral compass. You know this. It's like hearing something from a therapist that you already know.

I think you should be allowed to vent. I had similar experiences with feeling like I wasn't validated in therapy. Couldn't the therapist have just said, "Gee, I know, I have had experiences like that too." Without truly connecting on a human level while also validating, its like they are reading from a script. I'm not saying your therapist is no good. Please don't take it that way. I am just saying that you should be allowed to vent and be validated. Maybe this is something you can bring up with your therapist, that you feel this way. Therapy, after all, is supposed to be a place where you can bring up anything right?

 

[Dana1010]

@Ayesha No, she was talking about gut instincts on first impression.

I think, though, with our experiences with covert and overt narcissistic people that we are better off at spotting them now (as fun or nice they appear on the outside).

Yeah, I've read a lot about sociopaths and narcissists and I think if I'd been educated I might just have avoided the ones from my past. So at least I'm a little better armed now. Doesn't help with all the "normal" people who can hurt you, though.

 

[risingsun]

Doesn't help with all the "normal" people who can hurt you, though.

I know it doesn't. I suppose we just have to take that risk sometimes but pull out sooner than we would have when we realize they may be "hurtful" people. Or if they do hurt us, then we need to learn (and I'm including myself in this) to speak up when we feel we've been hurt. Normal people, if they hurt you unknowingly are able to apologize when it is pointed out. If not, then they are narcissists or people who 'can never be wrong.' With those people, we can learn to cut the cord earlier before they twist it around our necks. I have had far too much contact with these kind of people as it seems you have. It is painful. Keep the Faith, though, you are never alone in all of this. Heck, I said this in another post, I felt more lonely in my relations with narcissists than I ever did on my own without any friends.

I don't have anyone in the outside world in my life really. But I know that I am building myself back up so that I am stronger, wiser and ready when I do get back out there. Never lose hope Dana. You are stronger than any of the weak narcissists or sociopaths you have had contact with. Rising.

 

[Jane.l]

Narcissistic people can be really hard to spot - because they tend to come across as very charming individuals in the beginning.

Generally people aren't good or bad - 'good' people can let you down and betray you too , it's not always done through spite or to hurt .

You have to make a judgement on everyone as to what level you are comfortable trusting them at - I trust my daughters teacher to take care of her at school - I trust some friends to talk about 'small' everyday type problems - I trust ( on a good day ) my T with my deepest darkest secrets because I have put the poor guy through hell and high water to test that he is 'safe' . So there are degrees of trust too.

People believe different things maybe your T has had a much more positive experience of people than we have .

 

[Dana1010]

Narcissistic people can be really hard to spot - because they tend to come across as very charming individuals in the beginning.

And this is what most people aren't expecting and why their ignorance about these people is so alarming. Now if someone comes across as charismatic right of the bat, I'm out of there.

 

[Jane.l]

Good for you - it took me 17 years to get out !