Therapist Painting A Pretty Picture

[Dana1010]

The longest I was caught in one's web was three years, and it took a couple years more to piece it all together. Hindsight is 20/20. I drive myself nuts thinking of the inconsistencies I overlooked cause I was so starved at the time and they were the only one feeding me.

Also this is hypothetical and best case scenario:

"Now if someone comes across as charismatic......"

I highly doubt I'm immune to being taken in again.

 

[Jane.l]

It does make you doubt yourself - well they make you doubt yourself and you become conditioned to that - especially if all you had before that was abuse - it's not so surprising that you didn't see this different danger . But that's what I was saying earlier if you have your boundaries up like freaking security fencing and never allow anyone to treat you with anything other than respect hopefully we can keep ourselves in a safe place .

So maybe rather than looking out for dangerous and untrustworthy people it's safer to just be careful how we let people treat us .

 

[ghotiff]

I so understand where you are coming from with trust.

One of my anxiety issues is letting my kids go over to friends houses. I live in fear that they will be sexually abused. When discussing this with my T she said "don't you think you would get a sense if there was a problem". My internal anwser was no, and that I certainly don't want to risk my child's emotional life on my gut instincts.

Later that day my kids wanted to go to a friends and I shared my fear with my husband. He said that the father does not come as cross as "that way". Point is, my husband is totally confident in his gut instinct.

I didn't say this to him, but I wanted to point out that he had never met a known pedophile so how would he know. I have met (been abused) by two and I know that they look and act like everyone else.

Rant over.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I read a book written for therapists on PTSD. In a nutshell, the authors perspective is that PTSD affects four realms: self esteem, intimacy, trust and one more that I can't remember oh yeah-safety. So trust is a big problem for us. You'd think with my lifetime of traumas, I'd have learned who to trust and who not to. Well, I haven't got a clue. So I err on the side of safety and trust no one. I finally found a carpenter that is trustworthy and a plumber. That's just a numbers game, so many others ripped me off.

The last guy I dated was Mr. Charm until he sucked me in and was so abusive I was suicidal. He still stalks me. So no more dates thanks anyway. My therapists have never discussed trust with me. They're too busy putting out fires. I'll tell you, there is no man in my safe place.

 

[Dana1010]

they look and act like everyone else.

That's what I mean - this popular idea that sociopaths/narcissists/evil doers somehow "come off that way." Pernicious nonsense.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think your therapist has a bit of Pollyanna in her! That is, always seeing the good side of things when the reality is that life isn't all sunshine and roses. That is, ignoring very possible risks in favor of being overly positive to a fault.

Can I challenge you with this? Its not about being optimistic OR pessimistic. There is also realistic..... I mean in reality, there IS a risk in trusting anyone. Even those who are very trustworthy can sometimes do things which may call into question the level of trust we have with them. (Its called being human!) I see optimism on one end, pessimism on the other end, with realism lying somewhere in between. Sometimes the optimistic things we believe come true, and on the other hand, sometimes the pessimistic things we believe come true (in absence of self-fulfilling prophecies.) I don't see a problem in being a combination of all three things. Sometimes it is best for us to be optimistic about things. Other times it may be best for us to be pessimistic about things. And at other times, its best for us to weigh everything and make a realistic assessment of the situation rather than being completely negative or completely positive, as life is rarely that polarized.

 

[Dana1010]

@Solara, I really was speaking in relative terms - my view is only pessimistic in relation to hers which seems to be overly optimistic. I'm all for realism. And your point about everyone being human is exactly what I was trying to drive home with her when I said there's a risk inherent in trusting anyone.

The other possibility, which I find the most troubling, is that I've got myself booked with a therapist who just doesn't want to handle dark or gritty stuff; that she wants her sessions to be exercises in happy talk and looking on the bright side. That's not therapy, it's deception.

 

[RussH]

In all good faith, my survey is that there is risk inherent in trusting anyone. Does that statement strike anyone as over the top or unduly cynical?

I do not think this statement is over the top, or unduly cynical, but with any inherent risk, you have to do a risk analysis, and ask yourself "does the risk outweight the potential benefit?" I myself deem the possible benefit worth the risk, otherwise this would be a very lonely world.

As for your therapist statement about "that if I were listening to my body and my instincts, I would not have had anything to do with the people who hurt me and I would only have associated with inherently good people that I could have trusted a hundred percent."

All I can say to that is, it must be nice to have 100% discernment over whether a person is good or evil; please ask them for me how you get that kind of discernment? Sorry if I am being cynical, but really? They are actually putting the blame on you? Personally, I would get another therapist.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My trustor is broken and I can be suckerized by people I thought were safe. But at the point where they cross my lines, I make my boundries stronger.

I am slowly learning and going very slow with people. I am fortunate to have a few very good friends I have known for many years. I was married to a very good guy for thirty six years and we had our share of fights.

But the more I set my limits and boundries the better things became.

I tend to focus on the positive now in my healing but when disappointed I crash and burn into despair. So I am still learning.

Having very strong boundries causes others to respect or leave me alone.

Good thread.

 

[digger]

Going on this thread and your last one, it sounding like what she's offering in therapy and what you want from therapy, are quite different things. Perhaps just not a good fit? Am I right in remembering this is quite a new relationship? Did you have other people lined up to see? At least I guess you could go to someone else now knowing more about what you don't want from them and don't find beneficial.

I hope you find what you want, either by thrashing things out with her and explaining how you're feeling after sessions, or finding someone you're more in tune with.

 

[anthony]

Does that statement strike anyone as over the top or unduly cynical?

I think your therapist is tripping on drugs... because how do you exactly know if someone is "inherently good" and can trust 100% if you don't place yourself in a position of vulnerability to begin with, by getting to know them?

I think your therapists response is an oxymoron, to be perfectly honest.

 

[digger]

My T says he is not the slightest bit surprised I don't trust anyone

Mine too. She says she'd be more surprised if I did trust people.