Franciemarnie, your description of your struggle with mere existence gave me chills, such is the depth of my ability to relate. I couldn't have said it half as well, and can't "like it enough. I think this point classically illustrates why in-person therapy is, simultaneously, almost unbearably difficult, yet critically important. But then, I think we're all in agreement about that. The issue is in finding the path to get there...
Abstract, gosh, as I've been reading this wonderful thread, I've been forming this image in my mind of the therapeutic scenario/relationship that I can just imagine as being ideal for you. Not that I have any right or ability to presume of course, and I hope so much that it's not offensive or pushy of me to say so, but I can absolutely envisage you beginning work with a therapist, in person, who was prepared to just spend time with you, regularly and reliably, just learning how to "do" the relationship. If that meant that you spoke only about the weather and the state of the traffic for 47 out of the 50 minutes, or perhaps just for the remaining 3 of those minutes, then that would be fine. Then perhaps you'd graduate to talking about current life struggles - the basic kind - and some of your coping and stress management strategies and techniques. There would be a huge emphasis on establishing safe and mutual communication, leading to issues of safety in relationships, personal safety and stability, recognizing/awareness of emotions and their impact, etc.
At some point, perhaps after a month, or 3 months, you might think about discussing trauma. Or perhaps not for a year. Or perhaps it would feel right to do so after a fortnight. The pacing and timing would be yours to dictate. Yes, on the surface that would require the therapist to adopt the much-taboo "paid friend" role for a time, until you were safe and ready to progress beyond this. And you know what? Who cares! It's our money being paid for the service, and if this is what you needed, then that's fine.
I write and think about this with reference to my own situation, for which I am thankful every day, and with which I know I was unspeakably blessed at a time in my life when regular therapy and a standard therapeutic relationship would have been impossible for me. For months, my therapist just kept pace with my largely silent and evasive contributions to the process, meeting me regularly, establishing rapport with me, talking about what I wanted to talk about, showing me kindness and consistency and absolutely no pressure to say or do anything I didn't want to. He kept pace with me, but always half a step behind, allowing me to lead us, sometimes unconsciously, to where I was ready to go.
Time was on my side. So was my therapist. He knew that the only path to my truths was a long one, and he had the patience and, for some reason, the motivation, to stick with me. It was months, literally, before I even disclosed I had a trauma background, let alone its contents. For months I could really only write about my trauma, and e-mail it to him, and then gradually I could find the ability to speak about it afterwards when he already had a lot of the detail in writing. I could hide behind my writings, yet also use them to gradually coax myself out of the shadows to speak. This gave me both the luxury of anonymity and the safety and validation of in-person support. I couldn't have progressed without either.
99% of the population of the world don't have this unspeakable luxury, and I am painfully aware of it. It was unconventional in every sense of the word. Some may even say unethical, though I would viciously disagree.
But what I do know without a shadow of a doubt is that I would never have progressed any other way. I would never have spoken about my trauma or begun the path to processing it, because I never would have found the trust in myself, or in someone else, much less the self awareness, ability to articulate and personal insight, to allow me to get there.
Somewhere, in the elusive perfect world, I imagine a similar scenario for you.
I am acutely aware that this has probably been profoundly unhelpful, perhaps even insensitive, but it struck me so vividly as I read of your dilemma that a therapeutic relationship with all of the connectedness and humanity of an in-person relationship, but all of the safety buffers of an online one, sounds like what you might be seeking.
I have no idea in the world how one would go about finding such a relationship, even if it was possible financially, logistically etc. But the more I read of your situation, the more I instinctively feel that it is a very connected in-person relationship that you are seeking, but one which has a degree of flexibility and "space" over and above what would be typical.
I'm going to try to think of something more helpful and doable to say, but just wanted to share that with you... I hope that's ok.
