Hi Invisible SURVIVOR...notice the capital letters ;o) Oh my gosh....when I read your post it could have been me writing that a month or 2 ago. First off I have a question....what made you decide to start therapy?
I started therapy in earnest last fall. I had had an emotional breakdown 8 years ago and was diagnosed with PTSD at that time, but I didn't know what it meant. It was crisis counseling so we never got into the past much. I didn't like my psychiatrist so switched to a therapist that I did CBT with. Again...never dealt with the past. Last fall I decided I was sick of being numb, not able to experience joy or much of anything other than anger and then only in outburst after which the monster would go into hiding. I too had worked very hard to build a stable and "normal" life. I've been married 32 years now, have 3 grown sons, a wonderful daughter in-law and 3 fantastic granddaughters who light up my life. Yet I was depressed and beginning to do self destructive things. One of which was so bad it caused me to seek help.
After a couple of months my new therapist diagnosed me with PTSD. Now 10 months later we are finally getting down to processing the emotions of my past abuse which I won't go into detail about here. Check out my diary if you want to learn my specifics. I understand what you are saying about "why should I have to remember. Why can't I just shove the memories down and go on?" Again, why did you start therapy? If it is because your life just wasn't working, not fulfilling, you are tired of being numb or some other reason similar....did shoving the memories and feelings way down inside work?
For me I had to answer "no, it didn't work at all." Oh it did for awhile, but the monster would keep coming back and everytime it did it was worse than before. Delving into the memories has been really hard for me too Invisible. Horribly hard at times, making me want to quit. I was terrified of losing my mind. Honestly terrified I really would. That is why it has taken so long to get to the point where I am able to start working on the old emotions. My T had to take it really slow with me. Then last week it is like the clouds broke and the sun came streaming in. I still have soooo far to go. We have only just started, but I can see that working thru the memories is essential. I had, I think, long ago forgiven my perpetrators. Maybe I will find I am wrong there as I work thru everything, but that is ok. I have not, however, forgiven myself. I have so much self hatred, shame and wrong thinking that I need to deal with. I know now that I can do it and I will have a better life because of it.
During my worst moments in therapy I have felt suicidal, I couldn't see how dredging up all of the past could help, it was making me worse, far worse. I had tradutional flashbacks that I had never had or at least never recognized before. I went thru dissociative episodes, I had anxiety attacks constantly. My T told me that it would get worse before it got better. The darkest before the dawn kind of thing. I still have anxiety at times, I now can identify when I am having an emotional flashback. Most importantly...my husband and I can both now recognize and understand why I react so strongly to certian situations or words.
All of this has come about by being willing to confront my past. Like you, I had pushed it away, hidden it deep within and did the best I could. Being willing to confront it has been the best decision I have ever made.
I used capital letters for SURVIVOR for a reason. You are a SURVIVOR and you will survive this. Instead of a survivor....you will become a THRIVER. Don't give up. You do need support and you will find it here. Soon maybe you can begin reaching out to people around you for face to face support. Read the information on the home page, read the posts of other sufferers, write about yourself and find that people here will understand. Many have travelled the road before you and can give you insight, but you will do the work. And you will make progress because of it.
Good luck Survivor.....I look forward to getting to know you ;o)
