Therapy Too Frustrating

[Leah123]

I'm so frustrated at miscommunications with my therapist, with paying for them, with losing time to them, with questioning if I can trust her.

I sent her an email (she offers paid email sessions) about intrusive thoughts, plaguing me, ruining my days, and how seeing my daughter's vibrant, graceful self reminded me of myself when I was younger. I mentioned a troubling but non-traumatic memory I had, being her age, and how disconcerting it was to reconcile it w/being abused. It made me cry, wonder what was wrong with me, struggling w/the symptom & yet still doubting my memories.

She told me crying was good, it was healing grief, and there was nothing wrong with me. In short, she completely misunderstood.

I explained again, I wanted help with the intrusive thoughts. She replied that she understood they were troubling and told me she'd be online if I wanted to chat, which I couldn't with family obligations. I told her in the email I just needed something concrete, something to help me. After she didn't reply, I gave up, send her a message that I'd just have to live with the disturbing thoughts, see them as a tradeoff- my abuser had introduced me to wonderful music, to the Beatles, I wrote to her... guess I had to live with the bad and good parts.

Is it too much that I wanted her to tell me that wasn't a good tradeoff, to hope she would say we could tackle this symptom, that there was some process/plan/something? I paid the session fee, which amounted to her misunderstanding me, then *saying* she understood me, then finally sending me a link to the Beatles song Let It Be. I emailed her later, once I could explain, that I felt like she'd blown me off.

I paid *another* session fee, at her request, to chat about our miscommunication. She wanted to pin it on my feelings of abandonment because she wasn't available on the weekend. I explained I was actually mad at being dismissed, at her misunderstanding my email and not giving me a solid reply.

She said she knew the email wasn't therapeutic, and that she wanted to chat about it instead, that she thought I'd found some peace, hence the song. I did send her the message to bill me, but that was as a courtesy, so as not to take advantage of her time. That doesn't mean I don't expect a solid reply for the money!

I'm beyond bothered, because I don't feel like talking about the symptom anymore. *Once again* instead of talking about my actual issues, I'm paying to talk about our therapeutic relationship. Instead of feeling understood, and hopeful, I just feel defensive and upset. Frustrating.

Anyone have any insight?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think you ever answered a question in my other post regarding if she is actually trained to treat trauma or if she has just had a lot of trauma patients in the past.

I think it speaks volumes that you've posted numerous times about your struggles with this therapist.

And I don't mean to be rude, but since this is not standard therapy, I think some of your struggles are par for the course. That is, to be expected with an Internet therapist. You're communicating via email much of the time. Do you realize that a LARGE part of the meaning of what you say is lost because its not face to face (or even Skype) communication? It's the same as getting mad at someone because they didn't understand the tone of your text.

I also wonder if you're overly reliant on her? You seem to contact her throughout the week and expect a quick reply with a concrete answer to fix the problem. Well, she's still only human. And, I can't help but feel that this situation is creating an increased reliance on her when you should be learning to depend on yourself between sessions rather than always running to her for help.

 

[Leah123]

Thanks for your insight. I am sure much is lost with text communications, that is true, and something I need to take into consideration. There are a number of benefits with online therapy, but that's definitely a tradeoff, and I do sometimes question if my expectations are a little too high, as I tend to have very high expectations of myself.

As to her training, that's a good question, and thank you for raising it again. It's something I'm waiting to hear back from her actually, right now, needing some concrete foundation in treating symptoms, not just helping me narrate my story, which I do find very helpful. I do know she specializes in PTSD among with other issues, but am not familiar with her training.

This is indeed my third post about therapy. What can I say... it's very important to me at the moment and you all are so helpful! But I won't be making a habit of it. :)

As far as being overly reliant, well, I'd have to say that I tried self-reliance for several years prior, and didn't live the best life I could have. My therapeutic pace is fast, it's true, and we do meet often. I've made a ton of progress though, which is hard to fairly represent, of course, when I'm upset about these misunderstandings. As far as if I can depend on myself, I certainly can, and have for the last 15 years w/out therapy, so... I'm not as concerned about that. But I think therapy's giving myself permission to admit I have a lot of needs and to try and work on them in partnership, a close one right now, it's true! She's important to me, but... I hear therapy's success has a lot to do w/the relationship, and hope our close one will turn out overall to be beneficial.

Thanks for the feedback, it helps!!

 

[Pencil]

It is true that a lot of the nuances can get lost in this therapy medium, but that is why your therapist should have more than acute perception if she earns her money this way.

So, sorry, the 'lost in translation' argument doesn't work for me.

 

[Abstract]

I don'y have time now Leah but will come back. And if I do manage to get myself into therapy again expect to see a constant stream of threads and posts about it.

To me there are few different things I will consider.
* Firstly if they are trauma trained and have experience in it. It seems you did say she was treating vets etc if I remember correctly.
* The second is if they use an approach that suits me and my personality. I have now had quite a bit of therapy and know myself and therapy well enough to know what won't work for me.
* Thirdly I need to feel enough of a rapport with them that the misunderstanding are minimised. I could not cope otherwise. There will always be a lot but I need some sort of intuitive rapport with the person.

I personally would be tempted to do email therapy in certain ways but it would not work for me. Too much would potentially get lost and I am also trying to be more present and honest. The distance would be too much of a crutch for me.

As for dependence. There is no chance of that for me. I think it largely depends on peoples long term patterns what is helpful or not. I do think all of us still need to be able to rely on ourselves at times otherwise we can become crippled by therapy. But for me learning to rely on anyone is a healthy thing as I don't. I think looking at attachment patterns can be a good way of evaluating what will be healthy.

What I would look at is if she has good boundaries. I do think those are always important.

I do also think its worthwhile looking at the difference between PTSD and so called complex trauma/PTSD with dissociation/PTSD with a personality disorder as just because a therapist is used to be able to deal with the first does not mean they are used to dealing with the second lot. I think validation and acceptance are usually an important part of working with the second batch.

Shall answer what you wrote later.

 

[Leah123]

I personally would be tempted to do email therapy in certain ways but it would not work for me. Too much would potentially get lost and I am also trying to be more present and honest. The distance would be too much of a crutch for me.

Thank you for replying, you and Pencil both! Sometimes, email's too hard for me too, as you can see! Most of our therapy has been conducted via live chat, but as I started to struggle w/dissociation and other issues a little, we have begun doing phone sessions as well. She's quite flexible, given she lives 2,000+ miles away. I use email when I really need to share, but don't have better options.

Thirdly I need to feel enough of a rapport with them that the misunderstanding are minimised. I could not cope otherwise. There will always be a lot but I need some sort of intuitive rapport with the person.

I do have that, we have a very strong rapport sometimes- that makes these misunderstandings harder and more frustrating, maybe, because I really feel connected to her, so it stings when it doesn't work out.

 

[Pencil]

Leah, in my very first response to you ages ago I mentioned attachment problems, and asked if you struggled with that. You seem to do what I'm really good at - thinking my therapist is wonderful, then something happens and I think she's useless - and experiencing extreme emotional swings.

Does this sound familiar?

Many of the issues raised in this thread are transfers from the previous thread....

 

[Leah123]

Well, Pencil, I definitely do have some attachment issues and am aware of them in therapy, it's something we have touched on, but don't think the current issue is really tied to that.

I like my therapist, mostly. I think she's experienced and has a good solid therapeutic foundation. We have some things in common that have helped us build a rapport. I don't think she's perfect or idolize her. I do find it extremely frustrating when I extend myself to explain something very troubling and she misunderstands then doesn't address it properly even after saying she now understands. It's something I still have to work out with her- I'm still waiting for her to address my actual initial concern.

I think it's just really a matter of exposing myself, which is uncomfortable enough to begin with, and then feeling she's been careless. In fairness to us both, I think in some ways she *was* careless, and in others, I was more ambiguous than I intended. Does that make sense?

 

[Leah123]

then something happens and I think she's useless

On further reflection- I can relate to that a little bit, lol, and she keeps asking me to remember our track record. I'm not always good with perspective when I'm upset, and it's something I've admitted to her for sure.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So, sorry, the 'lost in translation' argument doesn't work for me.

Pencil, aren't you the one who has never been to therapy? If so, how can you even begin to comment on a therapeutic issue?

Also, it is INSANE to expect someone to be able to pick up on every nuance and meaning of a written statement.

 

[Leah123]

Well, I just had a long session, trying to feel more comfortable with her. She said she didn't want to answer my question via email directly because the only way she knows to diminish intrusive thoughts is by sharing them, i.e. for me to discuss them with her in detail, and she had thought we could do that today. The part I'm really mad about, is that she wouldn't just tell me that in the email!!!! She says she has an ethical obligation to do no harm, and to try and help, so she thought the best way to do that was to put me off (without telling me) by telling me that she did understand, and sending the song because she thought I'd found some peace with it. She stands by billing me for her time.

She told me my emotional response was disproportionate (um, YEAH, I have PTSD and am admittedly really really upset lately) and asked me to tie it to a past misunderstanding. I did that, for her benefit, but... I don't know. She's trying to get me to understand that us having a misunderstanding makes me upset because my mother didn't believe me when I told her I'd been abused. Yes, that's *certainly* deeply upsetting, nothing I've made a secret of!!! I don't know... transference is messy. I told her that her choice still seemed condescending and didn't end up being helpful. I would *much* rather have heard that it was best to wait until we could chat, than to feel dismissed and misunderstood. Sigh. What do ya'll think? Dump her or get over it, lolol.

 

[Pencil]

Mmm, her reasoning is a bit odd.

What does your gut tell you?