There Is No Such Place Like Home...

[StarChild]

Although I already posted here before, I try to introduce myself. I'm a female in my late 40s. I am divorced and have already experienced domestic violence in my early childhood. But in my home, the abuser wasn't a man, it was a woman. My mother.

She was very violent against her husband, my much older sibling and me. She never "wasted" time to slap one of us, when instead she could punch you with her fist. She wanted and had control over everyone of us. She was peeping through Keyholes, listening at walls, snuck behind you, ransacked drawers and pockets etc. During my childhood I was punched, choked, locked in wardrobe, abandoned, threatened, shouted and so many more things I don't want to think of.

When my parents had a fight, it literally was one, most of the time; She was shouting, swearing, threatening her husband with her fists, or threw bottles, ashtrays, plates e.t.c after him. And he just fled the scene by instantly leaving the flat or he locked himself in the sleeping room. He never hit her, or us. He deeply feared her, like the rest of us did. The physical strength she developed when she got angry or mad was terrible! One time they wanted to get her to the mental hospital and they came with 4(!!!) big strong men. My god! She threw them away as if they were just dolls!

Her other side was that of a puppet master, who constantly blackmailed us by threaten to kill herself, or she played the guilty card. She had an extreme way of "You are with me or against me" thinking. It was horrible. God forbid to "became" her enemy! She was several times at a mental hospital, but because she had a little child (me) they always sent her back to us. There was no escape! When I think of her, I see just one picture: A lurking, unpredictable predator.

Whilst writing and re-writing this introduction one thing came to my mind for the first time in my life; One fact of her behavior stands out: The deep urge/desire to "erase" others personality and to try again and again to put hers into them. That's exactly what my ex husband did. He used different methods, but he had (and still has) the same sick desire to sway over others. That was the reason I finally left him. But it took a long time for me to just comprehend what he really wanted from me.

Reading my introduction, makes me feel, that it's not complete and a bit confused. But that's all I can express for now.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

I enjoy that you are here. You always have such helpful things to say.

I am sorry for all that you went through. I hope this forum helps. It is nice to talk about that side of my life a bit more in depth.

Take care.

 

[Nicolette]

Reading my introduction, makes me feel, that it's not complete and a bit confused.

What caught my attentions is that you refer to your mother as "She"... it sounds like you had to disconnect from your relationship with her.

The deep urge/desire to "erase" others personality and to try again and again to put hers into them

I wonder how that is characterised - if it falls under a psychological category? It's definitely manipulation however the replacement with her own personality is something I have not heard of before.

But it took a long time for me to just comprehend what he really wanted from me

So, am I understanding correctly that he wanted you cloned to his thinking? How would you describe what "he wanted from you" if you had to choose other words as I don't quite understand yet.

 

[StarChild]

So, am I understanding correctly that he wanted you cloned to his thinking?

Yes. In weird way...It was like a continual brainwashing.

Hi Nicolette, I'm a bit overextended to answer your questions right now. I have to think about it and come back later. Also I'm not sure if I used the correct terms... But first I try to get some sleep. Had none for 30 hours.

 

[Nicolette]

Please get lots of :sleep::sleep::sleep:.. we will be here when you feel better :happy:

 

[intothelight]

One fact of her behavior stands out: The deep urge/desire to "erase" others personality and to try again and again to put hers into them.

I found that I related to this statement, perhaps not as you do, but as a child I felt that my Momster was trying to do this. She wanted the ultimate control and to kill any original thought or personality.

 

[StarChild]

Dear Nicolette, from Saturday to Sunday was the first time for several weeks, that I got more sleep then just from 20 minutes up to 2 hours maximal. I slept about 12 hours, with just one break. So I feel strong today enough to give you an answer.

Well! I was quite a bit thinking about your questions the last days. And I realized that I have to be much more careful than I thought about how deep and how much I dig into "my stuff". Or I will be catapulted straight back into the hell of my childhood. So I'm just able to answer your questions in portions of one answer per question, per post.

is that you refer to your mother as "She"... it sounds like you had to disconnect from your relationship with her.

May sound silly but I don't know the answer to this question... I can just share, what came to my mind while thinking about it: She's dead since 13 years. I'm relieved she's dead. Her dead took a lot pressure off my soul. Due to all the gruesome things she did to me, the term "mother" is nothing that gives me the feeling of security. On the contrary; Amongst others "mother" means danger, lethal danger to be precisely. So the use of the neutrally term "she" is more comfortable then "mother". Does that answer your question?

 

[Nicolette]

Does that answer your question?

Yes it does thank you SweetLullaby and thank you for the courage to dig deep enough to answer my question. It evokes a great sadness within me realising how much pain some people are still in due to their parents. I cannot comprehend why some people can be so cruel, even barbaric let alone to their own offspring.

To me it sounds like you are emotionally distancing yourself from your mother making her 'neutral' by your choice of words. If that works for you then great, it just caught my attention.

And I realized that I have to be much more careful than I thought about how deep and how much I dig into "my stuff". Or I will be catapulted straight back into the hell of my childhood

Quite distressing to read. I'm sorry you suffered so badly that you can't go back into your past. I cannot imagine what gruesome abuse she inflicted upon you and I wish I could do something to help ease that huge burden you must be carrying. You are a deserving person and no-one should endure such horror, let alone a defenseless child :(

 

[StarChild]

Dear Nicolette, I still owe you some answers on this topic:

The deep urge/desire to "erase" others personality and to try again and again to put hers into them.

It's definitely manipulation however the replacement with her own personality is something I have not heard of before.

I'm not sure if I exactly meant a replacement with her own personality. But I'm really sure, she tried to delete my personality. So I just can answer with some examples:

My mother made my much older sister a copy of herself: My sister wears the same as she did, she has the same haircut since 50 years, she of course has always headache as mother had. She talks in the same way, has the same opinion (of course, every other opinion would be very bad!), eats and detests the same things likes the same music, and so on... It took my loving mother lots of slaps and hair pulling to make my sister a truly copy of her...

From my very early childhood on (not older than 3 years), my mother tried and forced me to act as if I was her mother: She always wanted me to kiss her. Not in a sexual way, but "Like a loving mother kisses her child". Or she took me almost every day in her bed (afternoon nap) and forced me to blanket her and to do storytelling. If I refused to kiss / hug her, or to put her to bed, (which I did very often for I was disgusted) there were two scenario's:

1. She got a rage attack and would start punching me on my head, and my upper back (exactly where the spine is), And while beating me, she was screaming things like "You have to kiss and to hug me and to take care of me or I will beat you to death!" Often I lost consciousness because of the severe fist punches, and if not, she threw me in the cat's toilet, or threw me on a wall, or sometimes my bed.

2. She started to cry and sob. Then she would dress herself, while telling me, that she now will going to leave me forever, because I was that evil, that worthless, that bad. And that she would never ever return home to me. Because such an evil child had not deserved a loving, sacrificing mother like her. And then, Nicolette, she left. Despite my begging, crying, screaming in fear of death, she laughed her crazy sweetish laugh, left the flat and locked me in it.

Possibility #2 was the worst. Because I had to witness her suicide attempt when I was about 2 1/2. So to punish me, or make me compliant, she started leaving me when I was about 3 years at age. According to her, it of course happened, because I was "such a bad, evil child". It was pure horror for me, every time she did this. And she did this often. I remember myself scream, cry, wet myself, vomit and so on. And when I was 14, she once told me: "There's just ONE single reason, you were born for: To be there just for me, that all your life is meant to be!"

By the way, #2 is my main trauma!!! That little child I was didn't comprehend, that this sick woman wanted 100 % control over that girl. And so that little girl didn't see through the acting of her mother. Never. I cannot go further into any details of that example at the moment, as my heart already starts to hurt and produces massive tachycardia. My ex husband did other things, but I have to stop now. Hope my example helped to better understand the statement of my introduction.

Edit: I just woke up half an hour ago with massive migraine and had to vomit two times. I so hope, she didn't break me, but I'm not sure...:cry:

 

[Abstract]

.Soooo very sorry Sweetlullaby,

Some people should be nowhere near children let alone be a parent.

I think I understand exactly what you mean by taking you over and deleting your personality. I think it happens when people see those around them as objects and are not able to see them as separate human beings. We are containers to empty their rage and shame into and our only role is to have an affect on them in some way.

I always describe my childhood as not being allowed to have a self. I was not allowed to be a person. To me a person has the ability to feel their own feelings and think their own thoughts. They can choose movement and they have some autonomy. They have likes and dislikes. There is a place where they start and end and where others start. I did not feel I was allowed that. Every attempt was stopped.

It does not sound like she had the capacity to relate to another human being in a normal way.

I think you vomiting shows exactly how deeply this affected you. I often feel that sickness comes as a reaction to invasion. That can be sexual but sometimes it can be emotional. An invasion of who we are as a human being and not being allowed boundaries.

 

[Nicolette]

Excuse my initial reaction that your mum's behaviour towards you was pretty f'd up SweetLullaby! I'm so sorry you had to ensure those situations.

I hope to come back to this over the weekend, on the mobile at present.

 

[p-no]

Hi SweetLullaby,

Good to have you here! I am deeply sorry for what you were put through when you were a child, and later-on in your marriage. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, sounds a lot like my mother. Comforting and safe hugs, if you accept them.

She wanted the ultimate control and to kill any original thought or personality.

My mother, too. The only times when she would allow "original" thought or personality was when they would match her own! I hated that because it felt as if my thoughts and personality wasn't my own as she had put her self on top of them, as if she had approved and if she thought I was nothing if she hadn't approved. So, then, I would ditch my own original thought and personality trait again and tried to not show her any of ME anymore.


Right now I am feeling in awe and full of respect for all of us for getting here and becoming the women we are.