"they Had No Other Choice" Mentality

[WillowMarie]

So my therapist is trying to get me to accept this mentality that people only have one choice in the moment. What they decide to do. Yes, they always have other choices, but the one they end up doing is done because they have no other choice. She would hold out a cell phone and say, pick a phone, but she was only holding one. She said I would pick the phone she was holding because it is the only phone there.

She asked if I understood, and I told her, yes, I get what she is trying to say, but I can't believe that right now. I can't believe my mum's only choice was to not do anything if my father was being an ass. She could have done so many things, but didn't.

I think she is trying to get me to believe this so if memories come up, I don't get flooded with strong emotions/thoughts about my mum or my brothers not protecting me or standing up for me. To help remind me that it wasn't about me and that they didn't care or love me, it was that they only had that one choice in the moment.

Then she also talked about people behave the way they do because of a cause and a cause and a cause. Which kind of relates to the, they had no other choice. They only had that choice in the moment because of a cause and a cause before that.

I still don't know about this. Has anyone else thought about this or been asked to consider this thinking? Were you willing or hesitant? I just wanted to get some thoughts or even if people relate to this.

 

[franciemarnie]

I think in philosophy that's called Determinism. I believe people make the best choice they can in the moment given a myriad of information conscious and unconscious. And that sometimes the choices turn out to have been extremely poor given hindsight. But that doesn't mean that their choices were "right" ones, insofar as they contributed to destroying the fabric of your existence.

For me, I think my mother and brother dissociated time and time again, and so great was their fear and terror of my dad and what he was doing, that they "looked the other" way when it came to what was happening to me. My mother and brother were good people, but they were human. For some reason, I was able to stay present during those years and do what I could to protect them. I did not look away. I wasn't built that way. They were.

It is a mess. My dad was abused. My mother had her share of a difficult past. But in the end, understanding is a different thing than honestly feeling the anger and grief. I understand but I can still be mad. And feeling that anger and expressing it safely has saved me.

 

[arfie]

I don't get it, either, Willow. I don't believe that is any great tragedy, either.

The stuff of my PTSD is god-awful hard to say. Words really can't cover it, but words are what we have to work with. When I don't get a concept in the first analogy, that's okay. It doesn't make the other person wrong any more than it makes me stupid. It's just not time yet. Be patient. It is allot to sort.

 

[RussH]

I cannot agree with the therapist. There are times you have to make a choice, but the choice is between three, four, or a dozen options. When you go to the store to buy a box of cereal; do you only have one choice? No you have many choices.

Your mum had more than one choice, and I cannot speak to why she chose what she did; I only wish she would have chosen to protect you.

 

[nursenurse]

Corn Pops would win out over All Bran anytime, Russ :D

I don't know, but I don't particularly agree with your T either. I kind of get what she is trying to establish in a weird way, but to me for the most part, there are always choices to make, and we are responsible for the ones we make and their consequences. Your mom should have protected you as Russ said, but did not. However, it is your choice to try to move beyond what happened which is why you are in therapy, because it is not an easy thing to do alone. You also have the choice of doing nothing. Which thankfully you aren't.

That being said, perhaps she is trying to say that people make what they believe to be their best choice which is therefore the only choice at the time. My pea brain is getting frozen out here in the Great White North...... Nah, as a professional, I don't get it.:O_o:

 

[WillowMarie]

I believe people make the best choice they can in the moment given a myriad of information conscious and unconscious. And that sometimes the choices turn out to have been extremely poor given hindsight.

I think that is what she was trying to explain to me. And I agree with what you said about that is doesn't make it right. I know my therapist does not mean it that it was the right thing to do though.

For me, I think my mother and brother dissociated time and time again, and so great was their fear and terror of my dad and what he was doing, that they "looked the other" way when it came to what was happening to me.

I have a feeling this is what happened with my mum and maybe with my brothers. I think also that maybe my mum was too scared to stand up to my dad. I try to remind myself this when she minimizes or says she doesn't remember stuff happening that I do.

franciemarnie, I also relate with not being able to look away and protecting other family members. It sucks we were put in that position, but like you I just couldn't sit back and do nothing. But that probably meant I took more crap from my dad if I was riling him up more by talking back and speaking my mind. But I am also proud of myself for not being like my mum.

Be patient. It is allot to sort.

But... but! I hate being patient with this trauma and healing stuff... Sometimes I wish I could just rush through everything and get it over with. I am trying to remember I need to be patient.

I only wish she would have chosen to protect you.

Thank you for your kind words. I felt like crying good tears when I read this. :)

When I talked with my therapist a few weeks ago she had tried to start mentioning this concept to me by saying that my mum didn't have any other choice in the moment. I raised my voice and responded there are always choices! (I realized this might be a good sign I feel comfortable around her because usually I am a lot more dissociated in the past with other therapists, and wouldn't react during appointments, but it would come up afterwards.) I reminded her of a memory that returned that I used to wish my parents would get divorced because I hated my dad so much. Whenever I think of that, I think my mum was being selfish for keeping me in that bad environment.

That being said, perhaps she is trying to say that people make what they believe to be their best choice which is therefore the only choice at the time.

I think that is what she was trying to get across, too. That makes sense.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Effectively she's saying you were destined to be abused. Your abusers had no choice but to abuse you. The rest of the family had no choice but to ignore the abuse. What crap. We all have choices in life! Removing the concept of choice removes any responsibility as well.

 

[DMerish]

The way I interpret what your T was trying to convey is that choices are made based on the resources (conscious and unconscious) that a person has available to them in the moment a situation presents its self.

Take RussH's analogy: Imagine someone goes to the store and walks down the cereal aisle. The shopper notices three different types of cereal to choose from. A high nutrition cereal, a cereal with moderate nutritional value and one cereal that has a high sugar content and very little nutritional value. The person doesn't have the knowledge of the high nutrition cereal, has never tried it and doesn't know what the result could be: maybe it wouldn't taste good and the result would be a waste of money. The person is somewhat familiar with the cereal but their family doesn't like it. The family likes the high sugar cereal. The shopper picks it.

There were only three cereals to choose from; however, the shopper had many choices they could have made. They could chose one or more of each type, one from two of the types, or not choose any cereal at all. The shopper chose the best choice (the sugary cereal) that they were able to based on prior experience, knowledge and understanding (or lack of those things), and possibly other factors like time and budget. Doing so doesn't mean that the sugary cereal was best, only that the person made the best choice they were capable of at the time. Making a choice or not making a choice does not relieve one of responsibility.

 

[nursenurse]

I think there are always two choices. I think the T could have used a better analogy than that of the cell phone regardless.

Corn Pops still win.

 

[Recovery Girl]

I wish your Mom had protected you too. You deserved better. And so did we all.

 

[Barconian]

The conscious mind gives you multiple choices... The subconscious mind doesn't!

If you tie a Chihuahua to a fence and start belting it with a piece of bamboo... The dog has two choices and that is fight or flight. How can you fly if you are restrained, which limits the choices to cower down or challenge, even though challenge will hurt a lot more! If the subconsciousness goes into panic mode, then there are no more choices and the dog will start screaming in horror and freeze up.

I think what your T is trying to say is that your choices become limited and sometimes you cannot change what is happening to you, without going into dissecting the meaning of choices :)

 

[nursenurse]

Ultimately, whether all involved had one choice or many, the facts of what happened regardless of the reasons why can never be changed, and some times in any given situation in life, we need to accept it without knowing the reasons. Otherwise you can drive yourself crazy and never move on. And it is so much easier said than done.