I think urges can relate to the cause, but responsibility relates to choice and will. In fact I think will is significant, although not being discussed.
I think what Hashi wrote in her first post was very insightful, and I believe also that urges can relate to the cause.
The conscious mind gives you multiple choices... The subconscious mind doesn't!
The difference I'm trying to get at is between being unable (physically) and feeling unable (psychologically) to make a different choice. I don't say being psychologically unable, because I think there are still choices, subconsciously. One of those subconscious choices is to stay numb or unreal. If there weren't subconscious choices then nothing could ever tip the balance and no-one would ever leave an abusive situation that they had been in.
I think there are always choices, but that people (in general) are unaware of their choices and/or don't have the power to exercise their choices. I think, people (in general, including myself) are often highly suggestible and think they've made a choice when they didn't.
Neither will nor the unconscious have been addressed in this thread. I'm not going to muddy up the thread further by writing about will. However, theorized by Freud theorized (almost to the point of many believing it's fact) about the unconscious, the subconscious and the conscious mind. He believed, and I guess I've adopted his belief, that what goes on in the unconscious and the majority of what goes on in the subconscious is hidden from one's awareness, i.e. unknown to the conscious mind. Therefore, I see the "tipping point"
only as a possibility when a person becomes cognizant (aware) of that thing in the subconscious (or in the unconscious), and then has the opportunity to choose whether or not to act upon their awareness consciously. I think this was what Barconian was saying, and hope I'm corrected if I misunderstood.
Example: I'm typically unconscious of my breathing, but if I become aware of my breath I have the opportunity to choose whether I want to hold my breath (for a while). I'm often unaware of my thinking, my emotions and my feelings (physical sensations). But if I become aware of my body sensations, I may notice that my breathing is shallow and there's a tightness in my solar plexus. I may also notice that my emotions are somewhat agitated and that I think the person who I'll see later is a threat.
If I notice these things, then maybe, just maybe I can change what's going on inside me. Perhaps my conscious mind will remind me that the person I'll be seeing isn't a threat, and I can consciously make the decision to act in a way that would be better for me and the person I'll see. As in being friendly, open and welcoming. Well, it's hard to just turn my mind off and I usually can't just change my emotions either, but if I breath more deeply then I become more relaxed and change can occur. The emotion of feeling threatened lessens, and I realize that I can make the choice to happily greet the person that I'll see later. When the person later comes over, I may actually greet the person happily. But I am almost as likely not to because something happened moments before they came that affected my decision. Or they arrived at my door with something unexpected, like their two stinky, mangy dogs and their three loud, obnoxious children.
Should the later hypothetical situation ever occur, I think it's highly likely that I wouldn't let the person in, and in my own mind be justified in not letting them in. If I didn't let friend, dogs and children in my home others might perceive that I terribly inconvenienced my friend, that I'm not much of a friend, I don't care about others, I'm rude, and a terrible person that could have chosen to act differently.
All of those opinions about me may or may not be true. The choice not to let my friend, their dogs and children was based on being allergic to dog hair and that it's quite an effort to clean my home. I also have PTSD, and loud, obnoxious children affect my nervous system. I had intended to happily greet my friend, but my choice not to greet them openly and welcome them into my home manifested in the moment based on the knowledge, understanding, skills and resources available to me at the moment I opened the door, because I believe I have the right to decide who and what comes into my home. I didn't always believe I had that right. The concept of having that right is something that was consciously instilled in me by my parents when I was very young, to the degree that that belief is now subconscious.
Personally, I didn't think the analogy that WillowMarie's T used was a very good one. But who knows - he or she is the professional. Maybe it was just their way of introducing something complex. Regardless, choosing to grab hold of the theory that folks make the choices they do based on what's available to them in the moment is, for me, something that helps me in finding compassion for myself and others. It relieves me (somewhat) of feelings of having been "wronged", that things could have happened differently if only they had chosen . . . . or if I had only chosen . . . . The theory that folks make the choice they do in the moment doesn't mean that there weren't other choices - It just means that the choice the person made was the only one they could have chosen in the moment given all the particular circumstances and inner state of being.
In a way, the theory does imply if something bad happens to someone then they were destined to have that thing happen. I know that sounds harsh, but if a person believes they are at least 51% responsible for what happens to them then they have a fighting chance of effecting what happens to them in the future. Otherwise, whatever happens is always going to be someone's or something's fault, and believing that one can never get unstuck IMHO.
I'm curious how WillowMarie's T sees responsibility also. I hope they revisit the topic and that she reports back. I have to remind myself though, that we're talking about theoretical outlooks, not a proven laws.
