Things That This Guy Says Are Way Too Triggering

[lil_fighter]

I met a guy online on a dating website supposedly aimed at people looking for a long term relationship. I thought I would give online dating a try despite my reservations and cynicism. Eventually this guy suggested that we meet up, we spoke on the phone a few times beforehand and the day finally came. He drove 4 hours to meet me as he lives in another city. I didn't realise that he was bringing the car and when I called him to check where I should meet him, he suddenly came along in a car. I recognised him from a picture that he sent me (not his profile picture on the website as that picture was taken 12 years ago when he was 25 and he is now 37). I was a bit wary of getting in the car (especially given a traumatic experience I had where I was almost raped on a first date before fighting the guy off and escaping) but politely got in the car. He seemed very blank and didn't smile but I put that down to nerves. The first date went well, I was a bit uncomfortable with the fact that he wanted to hold hands all the time to be honest. He went in for a kiss a few times but used his tongue and again I felt uncomfortable.
We met two more times and more recently I have been trying to distance myself slightly as he seems to want to know what I am doing all the time, wants to speak on the phone regularly and meet regularly. For me it is intense. The worst part was yesterday, he was angry because I didn't send him a goodnight message (just this once I didn't) and he practically told me off, saying that he was worried about me. I apologised (stupidly) and he said "Daddy is angry". He then started saying he wants to tie me up and do things to me to punish me.
This to me is way too creepy and as this guy has made advances and I am sorry to say that the last time we met I went along with it and we had sex but he hurt me and I was bleeding from the force that he was using. I had to see my doctor. I am 26 and the trauma I experienced 4 years ago seemed to have made me stronger, I was even doing much better in terms of not hiding away and actually living my life. This situation now is making me feel sick.
This guy is still contacting me and keeps asking when we can meet. I feel sick and just want him to leave me alone but I am scared of him turning nasty or saying something cruel if I try to put an end to it. I could do with some assertiveness right now. The fact is, I am not keen on this guy anyway and there is no spark. Maybe I stupidly had sex with him in the hope that things would get better and I would start liking him more but actually it has reawakened horrible feelings. Can someone please help me to think of a message to send this guy so that I can make it clear that I don't want to meet again? I feel that it is good because he lives far away and I will then be able to think straight.
My advice to people with regards to dating, is don't ignore any red flags in the beginning and don't compromise or think that because of the PTSD that you are being overly sensitive. Your gut instinct is highly likely to be right, listen to it.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am not much help in my extreme sleep deprived state, but follow instincts and run.

 

[BlueDream]

I am so sorry for everything the "man" has put you through. As I was reading your post, the red flags & warnings were going off like crazy.
If it were me, I know I have enough rage inside that I would put on my best don't f with me persona, and tell him in no way shape or form do I want any contact with his crazy ass.
I would let him know if he comes around you have a bullet with his name on it.
What he did to you I would consider rape. What did the doctor say when you went in?
I am very scared for you, please check in around here to let me know you are safe.

 

[KuanYin]

You could send a simple message stating that you're no longer interested in keeping in contact with him. I think you're right to worry about him becoming aggressive and so I wouldn't give him any more than "I'm no longer interested in communicating with you".
I'd block his number so he can't call or text and I'd flag his email address as spam. If you're "friends" on fb or other social media, block him there as well. I don't know how online dating works, but if it's possible to hide your profile from him I'd do that too.
He sounds like he's not worthy of further communication with you and you certainly don't need to engage in any head games with him (and from what you described he seems the type to do just that). Good on you for being cognizant of your instincts and trusting them as well.

 

[lil_fighter]

Thank you for the replies, it gave me the confidence to send a message saying that I don't want any further contact. The reasonable side of me was even going to send a voice message and in the message I recorded, I was mentioning the past trauma and how being intimate with him triggered that. Luckily I deleted that voice message and never sent it to him after listening to it back and thinking "I don't have to prove myself to anyone!" So I sent that brief message and deleted and blocked him. I only have him on whatsapp and so he has my phone number and email address. I blocked any future emails and deleted emails from him. I have blocked his number on my phone and as for the dating website, I wasn't keen on it and deleted my profile a while back after my first meeting with this guy.
BlueDream you are right but unfortunately I just have a sick / anxious feeling instead of anger. I wish I did have anger. The doctor was concerned but as I said it was consentual, I guess she just thought I should speak to him about it or not let it happen again but I could see that she looked shocked. I am still in a bit of pain and it is now just over a week since that happened. It's confusing, I guess I consented to the sex but not to being hurt and thrown about so consent is a tricky issue.

It was scary and even though he lives 4 hours away, I feel like I will be looking over my shoulder for a while. He is a post doctorate research fellow with a respectable job so luckily won't be able to be driving to my area whenever he feels like it. He doesn't know exactly where I live and I live with my mum so I am not living all alone at home.

KuanYin, yes exactly he is not worth of further communication. I realise that. Instead of being all reasonable and thinking I need to be polite and make up some excuse, I just told it straight that there will be no more contact and I don't want to hear from him.

 

[joeylittle]

I guess I consented to the sex but not to being hurt and thrown about so consent is a tricky issue.

Consenting to starting sex doesn't mean you have to keep going no matter what. It's not like, "oh, well, I said yes, so now I'm stuck". At any time you can change your mind. Now, that's sometimes way, way easier said than done - so I hope you don't think I'm blaming you for anything. Just remember, for the future - you can say no even after you've said yes. You can say no to anything at all that you don't want.

It's so hard to do, often. And that's the reason to kind of look ahead - if you feel like you aren't really sure, better to stay out of it - because it is harder, or scarier, or can even seem dangerous to stop things once they've started. But you do get to - whenever you want.

 

[lil_fighter]

Well I received a text message from him, I knew that he would have to have the last word. This is even though I blocked him using one of those apps that block calls and texts. Although the app blocks the text, unfortunately the content of the text is still visible in the blocked texts section. I have now fiddled around with the settings to make sure that text content is not visible at all to me. Otherwise it defeats the object.
Anyway, his message said "I guess I scared you. I would have appreciated an honest phone call. I thought you were classier than that. Have a nice life"

I just thought, actually yes I wil have a nice life without you in it and don't even go there about being classy. The main thing is I feel so relieved now. It makes me realise how careful you should be about who you let into your life and your personal space.
JoeyLittle, you are right and I totally agree. I am so glad that you said that "at any time you can change your mind". That applies to a lot of uncomfortable situations in life in general. Thank you all for your support. I feel supported and much safer now :)

 

[Neverthesame]

At any time you can change your mind.

This a million times over. Yes, very much so, absolutely, indeed.

The instant it stops being fun, is when it stops being consensual.
If he has to live with a case of blueballs, well that's just too damn bad. He'll live. Might even encourage him to stop acting like a @#&£.

Glad you ended it cause, wow. The way you described him makes my skin crawl. Creepy tosser is exactly what he is.

 

[rightkindofme]

I'm into rough stuff. If you aren't into it, no one has the right to do it with you. Responsible, ethical people who are into rough sex don't do it until they have had extensive negotiations about how to do it to be enjoyable for both parties.

It isn't classy to hurt someone and then act entitled to do it again.

I'm really sorry this went badly. Internet dating is a mixed bag. You don't owe anyone anything. After the first five minutes you can say, "I'm not feeling it" and you can leave. You have the right. Don't stay for even one minute longer than you want to.

Good luck in the future.

 

[KuanYin]

Can I just take a moment to commend you for exercising healthy boundaries here. Sometimes it's a difficult thing to do and sometimes it doesn't happen instantly and in the moment, but damn there's something to be said for having the strength to take a moment, analyze and then go back and say "No, this is not cool and I'm not okay with it!"
Well done you!!

 

[The Albatross]

Kudos for you for cutting it off... you've had a lot of support here for that decision already. In the end, you got to set and keep boundaries in line with your own values, and you did that.