What you say about your childhood on these posts, tell me that you had trauma in your childhood. But I wonder if you don't want to see it that way? You said in a post, aged 7, you had a fully formed adult functioning understanding (my interpretation of what you said) of your father's mental health. I wonder if this is your autism or PTSD making you think this? Do you really think a 7 year old can understand the world from adults perceptive?
For me: I go back to my first couple of posts. I won't repeat myself.
I also wonder if your autism is making you fixate on this event in college? It sounds as though you are fixated and quite rigid in how you think about this
And yet you are utterly forgiving of your mum and dad and your childhood (and this is where I wonder if the PTSD isn't letting you truly put the anger on your mum and dad).
I find that difference interesting and wonder if you have discussed that with your therapist?
Your interpretation of what I said is a stellar example of how I'm misunderstood. I'm glad you were honest in communicating your interpretation 'cause it gives me a chance to illustrate how difficult it is for an autistic with a high IQ to interact with most people. You somehow deduce I have a fully formed adult understanding of a severe and complex mental health disorder all based on me stating that I knew of my dad's illness when I was 7. I find your conclusion fascinating and incredibly troubling. Do you understand why I might feel this way? What's even more interesting is how often the people who do this then turn around and don't acknowledge their misjudgment. Welcome to my world. Maybe you experience it somehow, too?
I still don't have a fully formed understanding of his illness. No one in the world does. If we did, we'd probably have cures.
I am forgiving of my mom and dad for their biggest mistakes in life because they were severely ill when they made them. I am not forgiving of people in power making decisions that lead to unjust consequences for those who make mistakes, especially if those in power refuse to acknowledge they themselves were wrong in how they handled the person who transgressed. This happens all the time. Look at the US Supreme Court. We have a mighty fine new justice, don't we? Maybe you disagree on the politics. Many do in the US. I find that very troubling.
As for forgiving my parents, this doesn't mean I don't hold my dad responsible for certain things he did in his life, which led to emotional hardship and significant financial loss for his family, all because he decided to drop his meds a few times. I also understand why he dropped his meds. I'll never fully accept how he refused help from me, or how police never took strong action to get him help when I had them check in on him regularly. But state laws here make it risky for police to intervene and force hospitalization without clear indication that the person is unsafe to themselves or others, and as I'm sure you know, people with mental health issues, no matter how severe, can also be wonderful actors. A police dept that forces hospitalization can be subjected to lawsuits, loss of public rep, etc. too, and so the world continues to turn.
As for my mom, I would never blame her for her biggest choices in life. She battled terminal illness and eventually couldn't go on. Sure, she made some choices along the way that I don't like, too.
This exchange was maybe the most eye opening for me here, even if it's something I encounter every single day of my life. I'm constantly entertained and fascinated by how little common ground there is within mental health communities. There isn't one community at all. It's far too complex. Many of you will be bothered by my words and my sentiment. Oh, he's such a hypocrite, etc. But well, I'm telling my story, just like you.
I've been thinking a bit more.
What impact did your mistake have on others?
You say you understand why those people behaved the way they did because you made your mistake. It was the degree in which they responded to your mistake that you have issue with. You don't mention the police being involved. I don't know if that is because they weren't involved or because you didn't mention them. I'm trying to second guess what your mistake was. For it to be in press tells me your mistake was serious. And makes me think: whatever the reason for you behaving that way, maybe your mistake impacted others and could not be ignored?
For example:
When I was 11/12 years old a child of the same age sexually assaulted me.
The impact on me has been life long. It set off a chain of events , which don't need to be gone through here.
However, the *reason* that child behaved like that? If we look at his story and his experiences. I now believe he didn't have a chance. I think he was abused himself. I think he was taken in to care soon after.
So I can see the reasons for his behaviour. It was still utterly wrong.
But: impact on me: shattering. significant. Changed the course of my life?
Someone's reasons for behaviour do not at all trump impact of that behaviour.
I'll give you all the best comparison I can that still allows me to feel secure here. My situation isn't related to academic transgression but this example is pretty solid. Took me a bit to figure it out and I think it's about as close as I can get.
Imagine this:
There's a high school with a rampant problem that the admin know about. Many teachers are helping their students cheat on major exams. The admin are aware and when they identify these cases, they handle them internally. The teacher is put on probation or, if the case is a serial offense, fired. No public disclosure, ever. And there's a widely known problem throughout the country, and many teachers are helping their students cheat. Everyone is aware of this problem.
One day, the school's admin discover a teacher has helped a few students cheat on a big exam. That teacher is one of the most revered teachers in the school. They've never transgressed before. The admin don't identify the teacher's mistake until someone in the public eye does, and alerts the school to the problem in a public forum, so others outside the school are now aware the teacher made a mistake, but the teacher is not named.
The admin had a screening process in place to pinpoint this sort of transgression but when they evaluated those kid's tests, they missed clear evidence that there was cheating. After the admin were notified by someone from outside the school that there was cheating, they decided to threaten the teacher in an internal meeting with firing. That teacher had already announced earlier that year that they were leaving their job at the end of the year so they left the school, and they were never fired. Those admin then met with other students to see if the teacher had helped them cheat. The admin spent a lot of time trying to uncover if this was a serial problem by the teacher. They discovered that it wasn't. It was a one-time mistake, and one that was very common at the school.
Before the teacher officially left the school a week later, within a couple days of helping the students cheat the admin notified the press, a few local publications wrote about the teacher's mistake to make an example of them, and named them in all the articles. The articles went on the national press wires and more papers across a portion of the country ran stories.
The teacher left the education profession entirely because it was pretty clear she'd have a tough time getting hired as a teacher, so she pursued new work. For the next 15 years, she didn't get a lot of jobs because the employers knew she had helped students cheat. She was highly qualified for the jobs, in fact probably overqualified, but it didn't matter. Sometimes she would bring up her mistake in interviews to address it head-on, and the amazing interviews would immediately change, and the employers would be shocked that the teacher had made such a mistake, and would quickly end the interview and not hire her. In some cases, those potential employers specifically said they were concerned of the teacher's credibility.
For years, that teacher would go on dates and sometimes the other person on the date would bring it up.
That teacher was disabled since birth, and she knew then and knows today that she made that mistake under immense stress, pressure, and illness. She never made mistakes like that before. In fact, she was a perfectionist her whole life, in large part because she mapped her intellect and accomplishments to her identity. She was apologetic and took responsibility for her mistake, but wasn't showed much mercy. Her illnesses got worse as a result, and she struggles, all while those in power have no idea what they've done and have since gone on to even greater and more powerful positions in their own careers.
Teachers are still helping their students cheat all the time around the country and across the world. It happens every day. Only in a few extreme cases have the names of these teachers gone public, as in 0.0000000001% of the time, and only when the they helped thousands of kids cheat.
The former teacher whose life was derailed in many ways often wonders how the admin could have handled this and why they did it the way they did. She thinks making an example of someone is in itself a problematic and unjust way of handling problems. She knows she got no emotional support from the admin or the press. She knows making her mistake widely known does nothing to deter other teachers from helping students cheat. She thinks the admin should have asked her if she was ok when she made the mistake because it was so out of character. She thinks the admin could have reduced her pay, put her on probation, kept her name private, and let her move on with her life. But they didn't. In fact, some members of the press compared her to teachers who have orchestrated mass cheating by 1000s of students on the biggest exams in the world. One member of the press even referred to the teacher as 'not sane.'
Is that good enough for you? Do you still think I might have committed a heinous crime? The fact that many of you go to that conclusion is indicative of part of the problem. People don't trust others. Many of you assume I'm denying having committed assault or something else truly damaging to people. Well, when it comes to my story, you're wrong.
