• All donations and upgrades are manually verified and approved within 24hrs.
  • Upgrades are ongoing. Learn how to save your bookmarked posts.

Sufferer Thinking of addressing my past trauma head-on

Status
Not open for further replies.
#49
Thanks for that. You mentioned the feeling after the successful talk wasn't what you expected and wasn't good. What did you expect and how did the chat make you feel? If you're open to sharing it, that'd be cool.

I understand what you're saying, and I appreciate how you're saying it.
I don’t mind sharing. Backstory is my mom and stepdad both molested me from when I was about 6/7 until I was in my early teens when our lives shifted quite a bit. I spent a lot of years after really denying her involvement and trying to push all of my blame onto him. But the reality is, she knew what she was doing. I discussed with my therapist about possibly bringing my mom in for a joint session. I kept vacillating because the potential for it to go really south, would be life changing and was very possible. Instead, the conversation between my mom and I organically happened during this quarantine.

My expectation was that I would feel some sort of relief, acknowledgement, and would have some very specific answers. But instead, I just felt miserable. There was no justice, a couple vague answers but not what I was hoping to get. For more detail, I wanted to know why she participated, why she didn’t stop him, why she stayed with him, how long did she know before she started participating. Her answers were along the lines of I don’t know, I’m sorry, I don’t remember that, and I didn’t know he went that far when I told her about penetration, she claimed to only be aware of oral. Instead of being satisfied with the answers they just made me feel sick and honestly have even more questions. It reduced some of my anger at her, but changed it in a way. It didn’t make any of the healing process any easier.

In fact, when I saw my therapist after that conversation, I just sat there, numb, I felt sick and off and just nowhere the relief I’d hoped for. My brain almost shut off into pure dissociation.
 

Dailyshifts

Policy Enforcement
Not Active
Thread starter #50
I don’t mind sharing. Backstory is my mom and stepdad both molested me from when I was about 6/7 until I was in my early teens when our lives shifted quite a bit. I spent a lot of years after really denying her involvement and trying to push all of my blame onto him. But the reality is, she knew what she was doing. I discussed with my therapist about possibly bringing my mom in for a joint session. I kept vacillating because the potential for it to go really south, would be life changing and was very possible. Instead, the conversation between my mom and I organically happened during this quarantine.

My expectation was that I would feel some sort of relief, acknowledgement, and would have some very specific answers. But instead, I just felt miserable. There was no justice, a couple vague answers but not what I was hoping to get. For more detail, I wanted to know why she participated, why she didn’t stop him, why she stayed with him, how long did she know before she started participating. Her answers were along the lines of I don’t know, I’m sorry, I don’t remember that, and I didn’t know he went that far when I told her about penetration, she claimed to only be aware of oral. Instead of being satisfied with the answers they just made me feel sick and honestly have even more questions. It reduced some of my anger at her, but changed it in a way. It didn’t make any of the healing process any easier.

In fact, when I saw my therapist after that conversation, I just sat there, numb, I felt sick and off and just nowhere the relief I’d hoped for. My brain almost shut off into pure dissociation.
I don't have any words that'd begin to be worthy of describing what you experienced. All I can say is how sorry I am, and how brave you are.
 

Dailyshifts

Policy Enforcement
Not Active
Thread starter #52
It is what it is. I only mention it because, revenge and being heard, being seen aren’t always what they are cracked up to be.
Yeah, I get that. That's part of why this entire topic has been on the table for me and my psychologist for about 7 months now, and we don't have any firm conclusions on the best way forward. All we can agree on is that the current approach isn't working.

It probably seems like a 'it is what it is' kinda thing but for me, injustice has always made me livid. I just can't accept it. I'm not saying I'm not guilty of making others unhappy or frustrated or offended--as I already have done here--but when it comes to imposing real harm on someone that isn't justified, it pains the hell out of me.

I suppose the worst case scenario I could think of would be if the people who derailed my life took the position that had I told them I wasn't well, that they would have shown mercy. I could certainly see them saying that. After all, it releases them from any responsibility and passes it back to me, which would make me furious and might even make me regretful, knowing there's a sliver of a chance they might have shown mercy.

If my abusers took this position, well, it would mean they're admitting that they would have modified the way they handled my mistake because I was ill. That's in itself very wrong, too. I wasn't looking for a get out of jail free card and I'm not now either. My point is that the consequences far outweighed the offense in so many ways, and that no one, no matter their record or circumstances, should have been treated this way. In this context, my story doesn't need the health disclosure, but it's an even more interesting, shocking, and penetrable story when it includes this angle.

The only reason I'm even talking about this now is because it was the focus of the thread. Otherwise, I'd keep my mouth shut right now, 'cause my main focus would be on listening to you.
 
#53
Have you thought of presenting you're story as the experience of someone on the spectrum?

Just as a way to educate, and give a voice to a group who often struggle, very much, to articulate how much life throws us into severe anxiety and overload?

I know that stories about other's on the spectrum (especially women, in my case, because the female presentation of Aspergers/Autism often goes under the radar and is overlooked because we present in less obvious ways than our male counterparts) has helped and validated my experience, enormously.

I, and my partner, a male, both Aspergers/Autism, have both experienced extreme bullying, violence, smear campaigns and really extreme injustice, and being on the spectrum plays a significant part in these dynamics, I believe.

So, it is my opinion that anyone on the spectrum who can shed light on the kinds of struggles we share, with our neurological issues, would be doing the entire community a service.

Just my two cents

By the way, I'm also a musical Aspie.
 

Dailyshifts

Policy Enforcement
Not Active
Thread starter #54
Have you thought of presenting you're story as the experience of someone on the spectrum?

Just as a way to educate, and give a voice to a group who often struggle, very much, to articulate how much life throws us into severe anxiety and overload?

I know that stories about other's on the spectrum (especially women, in my case, because the female presentation of Aspergers/Autism often goes under the radar and is overlooked because we present in less obvious ways than our male counterparts) has helped and validated my experience, enormously.

I, and my partner, a male, both Aspergers/Autism, have both experienced extreme bullying, violence, smear campaigns and really extreme injustice, and being on the spectrum plays a significant part in these dynamics, I believe.

So, it is my opinion that anyone on the spectrum who can shed light on the kinds of struggles we share, with our neurological issues, would be doing the entire community a service.

Just my two cents

By the way, I'm also a musical Aspie.
Oh cool. What instrument do you play?

That's a good idea about the advocacy slant. I always thought if I were ever ready to go all in on the story, I'd explain all my conditions and how they show themselves and interact in my life experience, thoughts, behaviors, and relationships. I don't want to dilute the advocacy part of my story but maybe there's a way to do that which gives rich insight into all of the conditions I have. Whether I seek publication or not, my aim is to keep the magazine piece to 5,000 words. My early drafts are a little too long and not focused enough but it's a process and I tend to overwrite and then tighten it up in the self-editing process. This time around one of my old professors is interested in being my editor, which is cool.

My HFA is a large part of the story of my life and I never knew I was autistic 'till recently. I knew I was a very honest and direct person with strong opinions—and someone who hated unwanted loud noises, certain smells, etc.—but I didn't connect these things to the spectrum. I also had some issues maintaining focus when I read books, even as a kid, but I never thought much of it, and I managed to do well in classes. I'm not sure how much knowledge there was about autism in the 80s but my teachers knew I struggled to focus on a sentence in a book and they must've told my dad. I remember one teacher showed me how to read with a bookmark covering the lines below the one I was reading so I could keep track and stay focused. I have no idea if my speech was delayed, and I'll never know. Was yours?

It wasn't 'till my early 30s that I started to get exposed to autism through some media. I would joke with my then girlfriend/now wife that I was on the spectrum, and she'd roll her eyes. When I finally did research and validated my self-diagnosis with my psychologist and my psychiatrist, and came home and tried to explain it to my wife and my brothers, they didn't take it seriously for a while. My wife wouldn't entertain a discussion about it when I presented her with a list of symptoms, and one of my brothers refused to read anything about the condition, not even a short web page. I couldn't understand and I still don't fully, but I'm starting to figure out how to accept it. It's a long battle at home especially because there's a lot of denial about many of my conditions, and we've been together for almost a decade. I was upfront about the conditions I knew I had when we met but it's gotten way more complicated since then and she fell in love with a heavily depressed person, of which I'm not as much these days. Sometimes she tells me she doesn't recognize me, and that was all before the pandemic so it's only gotten more difficult. Blood relatives are complicated, too, and I always found it hard to understand how different my brothers and I are when it comes to our views on mental health considering we have a long line of mental illness in our family tree. I'm the odd one out though. Almost everyone else was Bipolar 1 and two were schizophrenic. I have neither, and it's probably a big part of why I'm still alive, too.

My parents are both gone, and my dad never had any idea about my conditions besides my mood disorder (which was misdiagnosed until very recently) because most of them were diagnosed when I was in my 30s, and by then I had no reason to tell him because I knew it would just make him worry, and anything he could do for me by then, I was already on top of. I got my act together about my health in my mid 20s and these days I guide my doctors across specialties on all the drug interactions, etc. Just the other day I had to inform my psychiatrist that a drug he wanted me to start taking would likely cause Parkinson's based on my experience with another drug in its class, which caused a neuro disorder I now have. His reply? "Good to know." A lot of my docs should be paying me, and my healthcare costs are getting absurd, even with insurance, 'cause I have 8 specialists and many don't take insurance.

When I needed my dad most was when I was 7 to 24, and he didn't act on anything until I completely collapsed at 17, and even then, he was very hands-off moving forward. I think it was a mix of tricking himself because I was so driven and successful, and him protecting me because he probably thought by acting on my childhood symptoms and struggles, he would essentially seal the deal that I had mental issues—not to mention back then most doctors didn't even think a kid could be depressed.

All mental health issues have their own qualities and challenges, and everyone of us experiences life his or her own way, but when it comes to health disclosure, if I weren't ready to go all-in but wanted to speak certain truths, I'd focus on my autism (HFA, formerly called Asperger's), my Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and my PTSD, which is a requirement for the story since the trauma caused the PTSD. My other conditions, namely my mood disorder, carry far more stigma, in my experience. Even if my now-correct diagnosis of cylcothymic disorder and severe depression don't spell the words bipolar or manic depression, cyclothymic is a form of bipolar, and as soon as you mention the words bipolar or manic depression, people think you're dangerous. In my experience bipolar, schizophrenic, and split personality disorder carry the greatest stigma, and elicit the least understanding and the most fear. I don't have schizo or split personality, but I do have Pure O OCD and Borderline, too, and those are very highly misunderstood diseases. Few people know what Pure O is and I notice people often confuse Borderline with Split Personality, and so the other person visualizes you in a straightjacket instantly. (I for one find it appalling that people treat anyone with any of these illnesses poorly because even a severely ill paranoid schizophrenic is a human being who needs help and social services. The misconception that mentally disabled people are violent and dangerous is false but there are always going to be cases—high profile and awful ones, too—that reinforce this stereotype. Stats show time and time again that mentally disabled people are prone to harm themselves, not others, and why do they harm themselves? Well, look at our society, families, financial funding, the lack of scientific progress, the healthcare system, etc. for the answer.)

I started writing stream of consciousness about 9 months ago after this major biochemical change happened, and it just flows. My doctors are both impressed and concerned. At first my psychologist was very worried, and then he read some of my essays and was like, shit, all that talk about writing a book is actually not grandiosity.

One day I wrote myself a note on my cell, and that led to another note, and all of a sudden I'd written a lucid 2,000 word essay on healthcare in a 30min subway ride to my doctor's office. I read it back later and I had two minor edits. That's when I knew my brain was on fire, in part due to the med change and in part due to a bout of hypomania. Oddly enough, my brain hasn't slowed down yet and it's approaching a year. It's really cool and it's very difficult. I overwhelm everyone around me, and they tell me they can't follow me because I'm too many steps ahead. As true as that might be, because of my illnesses—mainly my HFA—I'm also always two steps behind because, even though I'm aware when I am going to say something that is going to rub the other person the wrong way or offend or challenge them, I usually do it anyway because I care more about being truthful than anything else. That said, unlike some autistics, I sometimes know when to shut my mouth, so I imagine my HFA is nowhere near as severe, if that's the right word to use, as other people's.

Any HFA forums you'd recommend @mumstheword I could use a connection to that world. I don't know much about that part of me yet.
 
#55
@mumstheword has a great point, about writing through the lens of HFA.

Also - your diagnosis of PTSD is likely to be challenged, seeing as you don't appear to have experienced a trauma described in PTSD Criteria A. This doesn't mean that you weren't traumatized, and it doesn't mean that you would never be diagnosed with PTSD - in some future version of the DSM or ICD it's possible you would be.

So, I'm not writing that to invalidate your experience, or the way you experience being trapped by the event.

But they weren't abusers, just because you didn't agree with the consequences of your actions.
My point is that the consequences far outweighed the offense in so many ways, and that no one, no matter their record or circumstances, should have been treated this way.
So, that's your opinion. There are some things a person can do that an ardent apology doesn't make up for.
I took full ownership of my mistake and even brought what I did to my professors on my own accord. It didn’t matter. The powers that be showed zero mercy and the coverage of my mistake in public forums endured for five months.

I fully accept what I did. I made a mistake. The part I don’t fully accept and never will is the inequality between the offense and the consequences on career, personal life, and health.
It's pretty easy to guess that we're likely talking about a breach of honor code. Could be anything from plagiarism to assault. Coverage endured for five months, but the hit you took to your sense of self, and the way it affected your mood disorder - that has lasted a lot longer. But that doesn't make it PTSD.

I can actually empathize...I experienced a significant professional/personal blow about 8 years ago that I can absolutely see as the trigger point for my second major depressive episode, which I have yet to recover from....or if I did, it was not a complete recovery and now I'm in episode #3. Regardless - it was very traumatic, and I still obsess over it.

The difference is - While I still believe the consequences outweighed my mistake...I know it wasn't my decision to make. Someone above me had to make a call, and they made it. It sucks.

But my pre-existing condition - my mood disorder and subsequent relapse into MDD - that wasn't their fault.
when it comes to health disclosure, if I weren't ready to go all-in but wanted to speak certain truths, I'd focus on my autism (HFA, formerly called Asperger's), my Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and my PTSD, which is a requirement for the story since the trauma caused the PTSD. My other conditions, namely my mood disorder, carry far more stigma, in my experience. Even if my now-correct diagnosis of cylcothymic disorder and severe depression don't spell the words bipolar or manic depression, cyclothymic is a form of bipolar, and as soon as you mention the words bipolar or manic depression, people think you're dangerous. In my experience bipolar, schizophrenic, and split personality disorder carry the greatest stigma, and elicit the least understanding and the most fear.
Bolded for emphasis. Not sure you're being a very good advocate for mental health, or the truth, if you try and replace the diagnosis you want to hide - cyclothymia - with one that feels more socially acceptable - PTSD.
my PTSD, which is a requirement for the story since the trauma caused the PTSD.
Not that trauma. Perhaps earlier trauma....perhaps later trauma...or perhaps you're just not telling us about the part where this happened:
Criterion A: The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence
(DSM 5)

Cyclothymia is a very, very difficult thing to live with - even more so because there aren't many clear treatment paths. I do sincerely hope the EMDR gives you some relief - it happens to be an evidence-based protocol for PTSD, but it helps resolve a wide spectrum of traumatic experiences. And at the end of the day, the goal is some form of "getting better".

You'll believe what you choose to, and that's completely your prerogative. You posted asking for input, so you're getting it. I'm sorry it's not all apparently supportive...but sometimes, the stuff that ends up helping us the most, isn't.
 
#56
I'm really just a vocalist/composer/songwriter, with some percussive ability.
I used to be in bands from my late teens until mid to late thirties. Then joined a choir for 10 years.

Then I got super unwell so it's been mainly therapeutic writing and I've started developing some visual art skills.

I'm hearing you with a lot of what you are saying re the MH stuff. I've been misdiagnosed, inadequately diagnosed, stigmatized and vilified by local MH hospital people

It was a long struggle to get the right diagnosis of CPTSD and there was talk of bipolar disorder, cyclophymic disorder, a false diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (But that was when I was in a long term abuse relationship after long term abuse and neglect growing up, also from borderliney/cluster B type peeps), even "mild" schizophrenia and I have had psychosis and a dissociative disorder and an eating disorder.

Now I know that what I struggle with is CPTSD and Aspergers Autism.

I don't yet have the official Autism 1 diagnosis.

One of my son's does. He is high functioning but without the high IQ that differentiates the Aspergers type autism from straight Autism 1. He actually has an intellectual disability and had cognitive delays.


My sister's kid's are diagnosed Aspergers -Autism 1 and our dad is classic Aspie. He had delayed speech, didn't talk until he was 3 but then spoke in sophisticated sentences from then on. He is doing his PhD in historical linguistics combined with archeological studying migratory routes of white people from the Caucus mountains, now. Both my dad and sister became librarians.

My only other sister, from our dad, and I, both know we are on the spectrum but can't afford the cost of official diagnosis in this country, yet.

I didn't have delayed speech and actually it's a myth that it's common in Aspergers Autism, which is not exactly the same thing as high functioning Autism, even though current DSM manual rhetoric says it's the same thing.

It's smudged, which I know from following other smart, thoughtful, articulate, researchy Aspergers peeps online and my own experience.

I didn't have delayed speech but still struggled to communicate for many many years, still do, to some extent.

That's kind of why I got into being a performance artist. It started with Drama and Acting in plays at school because I didn't really know how to relate in other ways, so it was a way out of my "locked in" state.

I ended up with selective mutual in my mid teens after lots of trauma; homelessness, rapes, assaults, abuse and neglect from my mother and neglect from my father.

I got into a music scene via my ephebophic "partner" who got me pregnant at 17, when I was still in the selective mute stage and homeless. I stayed with him for 20 years and had 7 offspring with him

I worked really hard to develop my musical ability as it was my only outlet to learn how to communicate and express myself and ended up becoming a good musical and performance artist with particular talents in improv and songwriting and composition.

Only problem is I'm not literate in writing music, nor am I good at the tech side of things, despite buying some awesome recording and street performance equipment.

I've just started recording some stuff on my phone, though, again, but I don't have music community to work with anymore. I LOVE collaborative music work.

As for an online community? I found Aspie Central Aspergers/Autism forum good. I got in a political emotive situation with an admin person though and left because of it, but lots of the people there were great.

I am the same with truthfulness and it's not always appreciated, that's for sure. I'm trying to be more sensitive and know when to not say stuff, but sometimes I just have to, and I'm not, always, good at dealing with the emotions that can elicit in other's, or even myself.
 
#57
It's pretty easy to guess that we're likely talking about a breach of honor code. Could be anything from plagiarism to assault. Coverage endured for five months, but the hit you took to your sense of self, and the way it affected your mood disorder - that has lasted a lot longer.
If this is the case - it's sometimes helpful to distinguish between injustice, and perceived injustice.

It's interesting that the premise is: the wrong/abuse committed had a lasting impact of 5 months on social media. And yet the proposed remedy to that perceived injustice is to write a magazine article, followed by a book, naming and shaming (which, if effectively distributed), would presumably have a much longer impact on those people than 5 months.

Sounds more like revenge than justice.
 

Dailyshifts

Policy Enforcement
Not Active
Thread starter #58
Also - your diagnosis of PTSD is likely to be challenged, seeing as you don't appear to have experienced a trauma described in PTSD Criteria A. This doesn't mean that you weren't traumatized, and it doesn't mean that you would never be diagnosed with PTSD - in some future version of the DSM or ICD it's possible you would be.
I really don't know. You know far more than I do about PTSD. I'll mention this to my doctors. Is the 'actual or threatened serious injury' only pertaining to physical?

But they weren't abusers, just because you didn't agree with the consequences of your actions.
So, that's your opinion. There are some things a person can do that an ardent apology doesn't make up for.
I agree. I might have put the word 'abusers' in quotes early on, can't recall. But to me, it's not a straight forward abuser like when one is raped by another.

It's pretty easy to guess that we're likely talking about a breach of honor code. Could be anything from plagiarism to assault. Coverage endured for five months, but the hit you took to your sense of self, and the way it affected your mood disorder - that has lasted a lot longer. But that doesn't make it PTSD.
My thinking for a long time was the same. I never thought of PTSD either. It only became a topic with my doctors in the last year as I talked to them about it more. But I always wondered a bit since there's so much ambiguity between rumination, obsessiveness, and some symptoms of PTSD.

I can actually empathize...I experienced a significant professional/personal blow about 8 years ago that I can absolutely see as the trigger point for my second major depressive episode, which I have yet to recover from....or if I did, it was not a complete recovery and now I'm in episode #3. Regardless - it was very traumatic, and I still obsess over it.
That sucks.

The difference is - While I still believe the consequences outweighed my mistake...I know it wasn't my decision to make. Someone above me had to make a call, and they made it. It sucks.
I know it wasn't my decision to make either. It was theirs.

But my pre-existing condition - my mood disorder and subsequent relapse into MDD - that wasn't their fault.
Bolded for emphasis. Not sure you're being a very good advocate for mental health, or the truth, if you try and replace the diagnosis you want to hide - cyclothymia - with one that feels more socially acceptable - PTSD.
I think you missed some things here or I didn't explain myself well. My point about conditions and stigma was simply to recognize the varying consequences of disclosing different conditions. I for one wouldn't feel very comfortable disclosing partially, nor would I want to do so from an advocacy standpoint. I am with you on that. But these are all considerations for anyone to make when they're considering disclosure, and so in my previous post I'm outlining possibilities.

Not that trauma. Perhaps earlier trauma....perhaps later trauma...or perhaps you're just not telling us about the part where this happened:
Not following this entirely. There wasn't an earlier trauma that I relive constantly. There wasn't a later trauma either.

(DSM 5)

You'll believe what you choose to, and that's completely your prerogative. You posted asking for input, so you're getting it. I'm sorry it's not all apparently supportive...but sometimes, the stuff that ends up helping us the most, isn't.
No prob. It's a good learning experience for me.

As for my situation, it wasn't an issue with academics, but since I was a student, in had impact on my record.
 

Dailyshifts

Policy Enforcement
Not Active
Thread starter #59
I'm really just a vocalist/composer/songwriter, with some percussive ability.
I used to be in bands from my late teens until mid to late thirties. Then joined a choir for 10 years.

Then I got super unwell so it's been mainly therapeutic writing and I've started developing some visual art skills.

I'm hearing you with a lot of what you are saying re the MH stuff. I've been misdiagnosed, inadequately diagnosed, stigmatized and vilified by local MH hospital people

It was a long struggle to get the right diagnosis of CPTSD and there was talk of bipolar disorder, cyclophymic disorder, a false diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (But that was when I was in a long term abuse relationship after long term abuse and neglect growing up, also from borderliney/cluster B type peeps), even "mild" schizophrenia and I have had psychosis and a dissociative disorder and an eating disorder.

Now I know that what I struggle with is CPTSD and Aspergers Autism.

I don't yet have the official Autism 1 diagnosis.

One of my son's does. He is high functioning but without the high IQ that differentiates the Aspergers type autism from straight Autism 1. He actually has an intellectual disability and had cognitive delays.


My sister's kid's are diagnosed Aspergers -Autism 1 and our dad is classic Aspie. He had delayed speech, didn't talk until he was 3 but then spoke in sophisticated sentences from then on. He is doing his PhD in historical linguistics combined with archeological studying migratory routes of white people from the Caucus mountains, now. Both my dad and sister became librarians.

My only other sister, from our dad, and I, both know we are on the spectrum but can't afford the cost of official diagnosis in this country, yet.

I didn't have delayed speech and actually it's a myth that it's common in Aspergers Autism, which is not exactly the same thing as high functioning Autism, even though current DSM manual rhetoric says it's the same thing.

It's smudged, which I know from following other smart, thoughtful, articulate, researchy Aspergers peeps online and my own experience.

I didn't have delayed speech but still struggled to communicate for many many years, still do, to some extent.

That's kind of why I got into being a performance artist. It started with Drama and Acting in plays at school because I didn't really know how to relate in other ways, so it was a way out of my "locked in" state.

I ended up with selective mutual in my mid teens after lots of trauma; homelessness, rapes, assaults, abuse and neglect from my mother and neglect from my father.

I got into a music scene via my ephebophic "partner" who got me pregnant at 17, when I was still in the selective mute stage and homeless. I stayed with him for 20 years and had 7 offspring with him

I worked really hard to develop my musical ability as it was my only outlet to learn how to communicate and express myself and ended up becoming a good musical and performance artist with particular talents in improv and songwriting and composition.

Only problem is I'm not literate in writing music, nor am I good at the tech side of things, despite buying some awesome recording and street performance equipment.

I've just started recording some stuff on my phone, though, again, but I don't have music community to work with anymore. I LOVE collaborative music work.

As for an online community? I found Aspie Central Aspergers/Autism forum good. I got in a political emotive situation with an admin person though and left because of it, but lots of the people there were great.

I am the same with truthfulness and it's not always appreciated, that's for sure. I'm trying to be more sensitive and know when to not say stuff, but sometimes I just have to, and I'm not, always, good at dealing with the emotions that can elicit in other's, or even myself.
Thanks for all the sharing.

Can you break down the differences between Aspergers Autism and HFA? And what was the process for you to be diagnosed? At one point I was told to see a neuropsychologist for a full eval but I spoke to a few and they said it wasn't necessary to see them, but to just rely on a solid psychologist or two, so that's what I did for assessing HFA.

There's a ton you can do with your music during quarantine. If you get some help using an audio interface and some mics, you can record at home. It's something I've gotten into lately. It takes time and focus and patience, and it is pretty techy. Maybe there's someone who can walk you through some basics, if you're into learning.

I'll check out that forum. I have explained to some friends and doctors how tough it is to find common ground within mental health communities since everyone has their own experience and, by the nature of our challenges, we all come at discussions from very different places. Sometimes I've had people dismiss me, and sometimes I've had people DM me telling me how much they appreciate what I said, all in the same day. I'm no angel, but I'm not a troll. Jeesh.

If this is the case - it's sometimes helpful to distinguish between injustice, and perceived injustice.

It's interesting that the premise is: the wrong/abuse committed had a lasting impact of 5 months on social media. And yet the proposed remedy to that perceived injustice is to write a magazine article, followed by a book, naming and shaming (which, if effectively distributed), would presumably have a much longer impact on those people than 5 months.

Sounds more like revenge than justice.
Very thin line between injustice and perceived injustice. Interesting topic, for sure. How would you define them? And how do you draw the line between the two? If there's some sorta burden of proof in your view, or in the work of ethics and legal experts, let me know. I'd love to check it out.

You misunderstand the duration. Things on the internet endure. In my case it was far longer than 5 months. As for the consequences for the people in power, I can't say because I'm not sure what would happen, nor if I would name any of them. Like I've said before here, I wouldn't want to stoop to that level. And beyond that, assuming a book will get read by many people is a stretch. I have friends in publishing. It is incredibly difficult to sell books these days. I appreciate the possibility of writing something that is widely consumed but that's like wishing to be a pro ball player. I'm also not the world's greatest with prose. It's an art, and I'm fairly mediocre.

Beyond that, how do you draw a conclusion of revenge over justice? It's something I wonder about often. I would never want the people who had the power to receive consequences like I have, nor do I blame them for how it unfolded for me. What I am after is sharing the truth of what happened, how it impacted me, and how it poses challenges for various aspects of life: ethics, law, healthcare, etc. I also firmly believe that there was no due process and the consequences (excluding my own health) far outweighed the offense. If you see this as seeking revenge, you and I are more different than we probably thought before this last post.
 
#60
Thanks for all the sharing.

Can you break down the differences between Aspergers Autism and HFA? And what was the process for you to be diagnosed? At one point I was told to see a neuropsychologist for a full eval but I spoke to a few and they said it wasn't necessary to see them, but to just rely on a solid psychologist or two, so that's what I did for assessing HFA.

There's a ton you can do with your music during quarantine. If you get some help using an audio interface and some mics, you can record at home. It's something I've gotten into lately. It takes time and focus and patience, and it is pretty techy. Maybe there's someone who can walk you through some basics, if you're into learning.

I'll check out that forum. I have explained to some friends and doctors how tough it is to find common ground within mental health communities since everyone has their own experience and, by the nature of our challenges, we all come at discussions from very different places. Sometimes I've had people dismiss me, and sometimes I've had people DM me telling me how much they appreciate what I said, all in the same day. I'm no angel, but I'm not a troll. Jeesh.
Actually it's more the difference between what's known as "classic Autism" which is what my son has, but he is "high functioning" on that spectrum.

This youtuber explains it better than . I couldn't link the video, but it's by The Aspie World and it's called Autism and Aspergers: 5 intriguing differences (YOU need to know)

I'm still in the process of diagnosis. Here in Australia, Aspergers, particularly in women, is not widely understood by those in the diagnostic community. Although, ironically we also have one of the world's leading voices on the subject Tony Attwood.

I have spoken to my gp who said "If you know, what is the point of spending all that money to be told something you already know?"

I couldn't answer him at the time and he's since moved on.

My psychiatrist told me everything that I struggle with can be attributed to trauma, but she is a trauma specialist, so that's what she knows about.
I am shortly going up to Brisbane for an inpatients admission and will persue my goals re diagnosis. I think I'll be getting a brain scan coz that's what my psychiatrist has offered me. But to get a full assessment by the clinic that Tony Attwood operates from? Will cost me up to $2000, which is not too viable for me at the moment.

I've done a lot of research, myself. Read a lot of books. Done all the online tests available. Watched heaps of different YouTube's. Read peer reviewed articles.

Learnt about the "Intense world theory" which really resonates.

Found out about how we have a compromised endocrine system, particularly in regards to producing oxytocin (incidently singing is a great way to increase your oxytocin), anyway, that resonates, as I was induced and so was deprived of my mum's natural oxytocin during birth, which is important for how one's own endocrine's ability produces that hormone.

But really it was through learning about how genetic this "disorder" (or "condition" I think, they are changing the diagnostic term to) is.

Because of my Dad and my son, I started to research how it presents in females and it fits me to a T. So I am not too far along in official diagnosis but I have no doubts, as I've really looked into it, and my patterns and difficulties are just too the same as many women who have been officially diagnosed.

According to the "Intense world theory" our brain's synaptic firing is much more rapid and chaotic than neurotypical people's, which explains how normal activities can be overwhelming for us.

I remember having a birthday party for my 10th birthday and having a complete meltdown in the middle of it, as it was just too overwhelming and overloading for my nervous system.

It's like everything is just turned up. No wonder letting go of things can be soooooo hard. Painful social situations just burn into our neurological system's soooo deeply.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top Bottom