Thanks for that. You mentioned the feeling after the successful talk wasn't what you expected and wasn't good. What did you expect and how did the chat make you feel? If you're open to sharing it, that'd be cool.
I understand what you're saying, and I appreciate how you're saying it.
I don’t mind sharing. Backstory is my mom and stepdad both molested me from when I was about 6/7 until I was in my early teens when our lives shifted quite a bit. I spent a lot of years after really denying her involvement and trying to push all of my blame onto him. But the reality is, she knew what she was doing. I discussed with my therapist about possibly bringing my mom in for a joint session. I kept vacillating because the potential for it to go really south, would be life changing and was very possible. Instead, the conversation between my mom and I organically happened during this quarantine.
My expectation was that I would feel some sort of relief, acknowledgement, and would have some very specific answers. But instead, I just felt miserable. There was no justice, a couple vague answers but not what I was hoping to get. For more detail, I wanted to know why she participated, why she didn’t stop him, why she stayed with him, how long did she know before she started participating. Her answers were along the lines of I don’t know, I’m sorry, I don’t remember that, and I didn’t know he went that far when I told her about penetration, she claimed to only be aware of oral. Instead of being satisfied with the answers they just made me feel sick and honestly have even more questions. It reduced some of my anger at her, but changed it in a way. It didn’t make any of the healing process any easier.
In fact, when I saw my therapist after that conversation, I just sat there, numb, I felt sick and off and just nowhere the relief I’d hoped for. My brain almost shut off into pure dissociation.