This Body

[Ajewu]

Once upon a time, He cut us. He mutilated our genitals. Now, we are expected to allow doctors to touch us. This is a joke, right? A cruel joke.

He cut us when we began to bleed, as women do; so now each month we re-live this trauma...every lunar cycle. This body betrays us. We hate it and want to shed it, like an itchy and hot Sunday dress.

That doesn't change what we're told: body must be touched; health is at stake; must submit; no other way. We get the message: we are ridiculous to hold on (purposely, according to the professionals) to the hurt, the cutting, the gush of blood.

This gets harder to deal with every month. This gets harder to deal with every year.

 

[Wenit]

I am so very, very sorry for what you've been through. It's one of the worst horrors in this world.

Don't let anybody tell you your pain is ridiculous. It is completely understandable. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

 

[Izor]

The difference is the key. You have to understand the difference, and find ways to believe in it.

The bad man was not a good doctor. The bad man was not the natural process.

The bad man had a face; the doctors have different faces. The bad man was someone you eventually got away from (it seems). Getting away from doctors is easier.

If you have a therapist, then desensitization may help. Practice sending doctors away until you know that they will listen. They will listen because they are not the bad man.

The bad man had a name. Find out the name of the doctor - if the doctor has the same name, then arrange a different doctor. You can have some control about doctors.

When it's a natural process, the bad man isn't there. Natural processes can hurt, but they hurt in a different way. If your memories make this confusing, try touching yourself in ways that make the difference obvious.

You did not deserve to be hurt by the bad man. You did not choose this.

 

[Tamir]

The doctors are being exceedingly arrogant and obtuse, hon. They are trying to do their job. They are very trying.

Can you at least arrange to see a female doctor? Can you get a support person to go with you when you need to have your genitals looked at?

 

[Ajewu]

Going to the doctor, we are small, very young. We do not understand what they say. Sometimes the doctors give us pills to take but that is too much like when He made us special drinks; we get wobbly and cry and are more frightened.

Who wants to deal with that?

We can understand why the doctors get frustrated, angry. We are frustrated and angry too.

After we curled up and cried in the floor...the therapist said either not to do that manipulative behaviour again or not to come back. So we didn't go back.

 

[Uhe]

The therapist misunderstood your behavior. You were not "manipulating," you were either "abreacting," or having a severe flashback.
You don't know how to ground yet and keep that from happening.

So the person the doctors end up dealing with in the treatment room is NOT the person who comes out to take care of the day to day stuff, the "adulting."

I'm the "apparently normal person," in my system. My title is 'the Front,' it's sort of my name inside my head here.
I serve as a conduit?
I cannot diagnose anyone, but I suspect you are a person with what therapists call multiple parts? Or you at least have a dissociative disorder of some sort.
But I notice you refer to yourself in the plural, there...;)

My interior people have decided I/we are the...*sigh* super-special committee with sprinkles on top. :O_o:
I have a lot of kids in my headspace.
Kids tend to pop out when stress arrives; only in my case it takes a LOT.
I was/ we were...I am coming to accept...not just abused by dad, but trafficked as well. :hungover: Which explains why I had to split into upwards of 30 versions to get through my childhood.
It sounds like you've had stuff that was just as awful, and therefore it might have taken more than one of yourself.

Your therapist did not know what they were dealing with, I am afraid, if they thought that was manipulation.

I am just taking a wild guess that you have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, currently.

My guess is, this particular therapist would tend to see a lot of things that are done out of genuine distress as manipulation attempts, and therefore I suspect that therapist would not be able to work with you, simply because they would misinterpret what they're seeing. :meh:

I don't know whether you are in the UK or the British Diaspora. You would need a therapist who knows for dissociative disorders, methinks, or at LEAST childhood PTSD. In the UK, that's not easy.

If not that, then getting Dialectical Behavioral Therapy might be helpful, as it will give you skills to manage the distress you have.
Messaging me is OK, but be warned that I am not doing all that well. Don't take me drawing boundaries around needing to do self(s) care as being about you. It is not.

-Stickler

 

[Rizehu]

I was cut down there too every day, multiple times a day, inside and out. Also boiling water and burning chemicals, mostly bleach, put in me, all from age 12 to 19.

I also have issue with Drs and at age 35 have only had 2 GYN exams. The first one I kicked the Dr in the face, on accident. The 2nd was an MD that normally doesnt do them but i had had a small amount of trust built and convinced him to do the exam stating that i will never go get it done. I didnt kick him but when he came in to do the exam i wouldnt open my legs.

I also have phatom pains down there of no real today injury. Its horrible and only goes away with time. Most times it makes it VERY hard to walk and at time Im doubled over.

I understand, fully! Im so sorry that happened to you! :hug:s

~ From someone that "gets it" ~

 

[Ezep]

Have you looked into getting an ablation? It would render you sterile, but unlike a hysterectomy, you would still go through monthly hormone cycles. You'd be unable to bleed during, them, however. The ablation permanently scars your entire uterus, so it no longer re grows and sheds it's lining anymore.

 

[Sepo]

@ajewu

May I ask if you have been diagnosed and treated for DID or BPD or both?

I get a 'ritual abuse' vibe from what you describe.

I only ask b/c I wonder if you are getting the kind of help you need.

 

[Nahif]

I was not cut, but I struggle every period too, the pain and blood remind me of the rape.

 

[Kogu]

@ajewu - it sounds like you don't have a therapist with a strong understanding of trauma. If you can get such a therapist, they might be able to help the other doctors understand.

 

[Pibemu]

The official diagnosis is some form of schizo-something, because we "hear voices that tell [them] to ignore reality." The pills for the official diagnosis were worse than the words, so we stopped taking them. How were we supposed to do anything whilst pressed to the floor drooling all day?

We are "we" because there are always two or more peering at things at once. Not in a goodness-that's-disturbing-sort-of-way, just in a my-that's-how-it's-always-been since He began touching this body. One of us needed to document what was going on, one of us needed to feel, one of us needed to keep this body alive and responding to His commands, etc.

We have no treatment now, just talking online and reading. When we refused to go back to the therapist, we were told we were not facing the reality of our diagnosis/diagnoses, and that was a clear indicator of severe mental illness (the exact one(s) we had been given). Because this is in our medical file, all doctors have access to it. It's always an issue.

We are sorry so many can understand our pain. We are thankful for all the responses.