Sufferer This Is Hard For Me To Type This. ..

[domesticabuse]

Hi

I have been online tonight searching for help / guidance... I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years both physical and emotional... it's been nearly four years since I left him. But why in the last year am I waking up in the middle of the night from horrific dreams of such awful things that had happened. Reliving everything all over again. I feel so angry at myself that I let someone made me feel so worthless for so many years... why didn't I leave. And now I'm left with the torture day in day out . How have others coped with PTSD? Thankyou in advance

 

[chicken sammich]

Hi. I am sorry you are suffering right now. You are in the right place to gain support from kind and intelligent people. Reach out when you feel a connection could be made with someone who shares your experience and can give you support. You aren't alone, you came to a safe place. I saw your post and wanted to give you a hug. Breathe, and remember you are not in that place anymore, and you are not that person anymore. You left, you are strong and brilliant.

 

[domesticabuse]

Thank you... I went back to my home town last weekend and since then I've been really anxious etc... I have moved away from there as my restraining order put in place worked however didn't stop his family's verbal abuse . He's since moved on got married and had a baby . And is now facing prison for doing the same to his wife. I did explain to her he was dangerous but she also thought I was a liar . It's just the constant flash backs and torture. I am so angry with myself that I let myself go through that for so long. There were nights when I didn't know if I would be alive the next day. What makes me feel awful is I am in a loving relationship with my "new" partner for two and a half years and I love him, he would never hurt me. But if I love him why is this still affecting me from a previous relationship ... I would never over my dead body go back to my ex ... but why is he still in my mind torturing me ....

 

[domesticabuse]

P's virtual hug right back at you ... thank you ☺

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself for staying.....maybe that came out wrong, but what I mean is that I hope you can find a way to release the anger that you hold toward yourself. This is NOT your fault! I think that many sufferers hold some sort of anger toward themselves or blame themselves for the trauma in some way. It can take awhile to release these feelings, but I think its important to try and do so in order to move forward in your healing.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Welcome to the forum, you will recieve really good support here. I spent years blaming myself , not only did I leave one abusive relationship I walked into another one who really tortured me. How stupid was I ! It's taken 15 years of every form of therapy going to get me to where I am today, lots of tears, anger, regrets, emotions, self blame and self loathe. I have worked in building up my confidence and self esteem but there are still days I think what A fool I was Eventhough deep down I know it was not my fault but constantly been told it was by my abusers has left me questioning myself but that's how low life sick coward worthless abusers work.
It will get better I promise , but it will take hard work and facing demons you probably don't want to. Don't be hard on yourself, you were not to blame please believe that, you have found someone who loves and respects you hold on to that, but open up and be honest with him when you are feeling low or you may end up pushing him away. In my prayers x

 

[shandemonium]

ditto to what everyone said above, and just want to reiterate this: you did leave him!

Instead of counting the years that were lost to him, count the years you gained by leaving because you LEFT his ass girl! :)

You are a strong woman and a thoughtful person for trying to warn his new wife. Your healing will come with time and we are here to support you.

And hey, you did leave him (had to say it again!)

 

[Seagreen]

Welcome.
I don't think it is a question of why did you stay. Its a question of when were you finally able to break the ties that held you there? You were trapped in an awful situation, which you have now escaped. Go you!

Remember he did the wrong thing, you didn't hurt anyone.

I am so glad you are safe now. Take care of yourself. A therapist that specialises in trauma may be able to help you heal.

 

[domesticabuse]

Thank you everyone for your kind words ! You're right I did leave him... just wish i could leave the memories behind . His then girlfriend now ex wife thought I was jealous and a liar. Little did she know that she had done me the biggest favour of my life ! Because prior to this the police had found him in a grave yard waiting for me to come out of a pub before assaulting Me then getting arrested. Originally I stuck up for him. Then something clicked inside me . When I went to court it was the hardest day of my life . But also my proudest ! I was getting my strength back. I wanted to make sure this never happened to any other women again. I was the unlucky one. . You think a criminal conviction would have stopped him again. But I can rest easy knowing I did my bit ... I find it hard to talk to my now partner about it. Because it upsets him and he doesn't understand why I stayed so long. When I finally broke free he put me in hospital and I have permanent damage to my hip. He would follow me to and from work , the texts and calls were relentless . He would smash my car windows and try break into my house. There would be days when I finished work and thought I was free and he would be waiting in a bush and drag me through my house by my hair and the abuse would continue . And this was all because I didn't want to be with him. It's hard to explain this to my partner. He says I should just forget and move on. But the scars are still there. He wakes me most nights from nightmares to pull me close for a cuddle to try make it better. At least I have found a good one now

 

[Friday]

I know why I didn't leave. I stayed for a very good reason. It doesn't help, the knowing, or the having a reason you can justify to yourself.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum!

When you are in the middle of an abusive relationship, there isn't the luxury of processing the fear, disappointment, hurt, betrayal, etc. as you go into survivor mode and are just trying to figure out what you need to do to keep the other person from going off and staying safe. It is pretty common with PTSD to have the symptoms flare up when you are actually safe.

As far as not leaving, most people in an abusive relationship find that it escalates over time, while at the same time they are so worn down mentally and emotionally that leaving doesn't seem like a viable option. To leave may mean to die and the relationship is continued in survival mode.

I hope you find a good therapist that can help you work through this.

 

[Seagreen]

Your partner is wrong. You can't just forget and move on.