This Is Me!

[Deleted member 20280]

As a husband of 19 years this Valentines - father to six children (eldest 18 yrs and youngest 9 months old) I kept my "dirty little secrets" just that, Secret for nearly 35 years.

I left my parents home town at 18 yrs old. Keeping secret the rapes I suffered at a very young age ( age 7yrs then nearly every weekend until I was 14 yrs old)

Running home and hiding in bushes and darkened alleyways for hours on end just to escape the older boys who hated me so much. Facing the wrath of my own mothers hardened hand as I was late for tea AGAIN!. Her wrath and a smack to the head was small compared to the beatings the boys gave me. Sometimes the girls would join in their kicks to my torso more painful than the clenched fists of their brothers.

I was an effeminate little boy ( 15 stone muscle bound Phil Mitchel lookalike now) but when I was a boy I was a typical "VICTIM"

Quiet and unassuming, easy prey!

I loved to dance my favorite "Ballet" and I was good. Scholarship to the Royal Ballet aged 16. Did my talent make a difference? yes, it made me an easy target for bullies!!!!!

Nearly 26 years late to the day I think on those days (especially after my recent postings) and ask myself one question?

Do I blame them?

No!

They were ignorant of the pain and psychological damage they were to inflict upon me so many years later.

I AM 43 Years OLD now. I have cognitive thought process and can I forgive them ( Not forget what they did)

YES. I forgive everyone of them. My three main abusers and the many others who systematically drove me to depression. Those, who one in particular held me down at knife point whilst he raped me. Threatened to slit my throat if I ever spoke of the horror he subjected a small boy to.

I FORGIVE YOU ALL. I WILL NEVER FORGET THOUGH!

If, having survived this condition I can help any other sufferer or supporter in any way whatsoever. I am here and for my part will stay on this Forum.

My love and thoughts/hugs to all who come here.

Laurie xx

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

They were ignorant of the pain and psychological damage they were to inflict upon me so many years later.

Are you so sure of that?

 

[Badger]

Wow. Brave. Congratulations on overcoming...

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Ayesha, in answer Yes I am.

Currently I am writing my life in book form. 58000 words written and many more to go. Circumstance led family members to abuse me and typically as children me being different ( a male ballet boy!) I was looked on as the boy who wore tights by my peers. a girl in long trousers. Growing up in the 80's when boys were boys and girls wore panties!> Yes I agree very stereotypical ( just as the 1980's were) I suffered CSA as a lad from a man much older than myself. I was pilloried by my peers and downtrodden for daring to be an aspiring dancer. The 1980's were a nasty decade to grow up in in the UK. My family had just lost a son in extreme violence 9 months prior to my birth. Their pain and grief driving factors ( My Mothers over zealous punishment of me ( not wanting me to make the same mistakes my brother had!)

For my brother ( witnessing his brothers death as the car hit him whilst they held hands ( he aged 9 - chris aged 6 Yrs)

For many a year I have held hatred for the beatings I suffered at my eldest brothers hand. What he went through aged 9 yr, feeling his brother yanked from his grasp by the speeding car that killed him. I often believe that what my mother and brother suffered then in 1970 was PTSD, only 18 years before EMDR was founded by Dr Shapiro. If only we knew then what we know now about psychology and it effect.

YES I stand by my conviction that they were ignorant due to their own traumas and pain they had suffered prior to my birth.

I have stressed my Christian faith in many postings tonight and stand tall in my convictions. I have taken a very long time to say this.

I FORGIVE THEM ALL>

Laurie

 

[arfie]

Welcome to the world of open living. Is the air better out here? It was after I stepped out of my secret shame closet.

While you were getting beaten and raped for being ballet boy, I was suffering the yin of that yang for being a female math talent. Hope your still dancing. I haven't quite gotten past the voids and confusions beating and raping my math talent out of me left. Healing those wounds goes deeper than forgiving sick and cruel humans for being sick and cruel. Unfortunately.

Still, that forgiveness helped me let go of the bitter resentment. Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Sincerely do hope you are still dancing.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Arfie,

unfortunately my dancing came to an end age 17 yrs, broken ankle and unable to land a "Grand Jete" Unable to lift the Ballerinas (male Ballerino! - female Ballerina!). Little is know that in Shakespeare times Juliet was played by a "BOY" prepubescent with a high alto / low soprano singing voice.

I studied under the BBO (British Ballet Organization) from age 4 or 5 until I was 16 yrs old. Nearly Scholar-ed to White Lodge ( Royal Ballet Junior School) but break to ankle was career terminal :-(

I hold no regrets for losing that part of my life whatsoever. My traumas and low points have placed me where I am today. I have suffered PTSD for nearly 36 years in total, since age 7. I survived all those years on my own strengths and am still here to help whoever and when ever I can.

hugs

 

[Barconian]

Sincerely do hope you are still dancing.

With all your negative input???

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I can still Dance yes but don't. On the back of my childhood dancing I learnt to act and Sing. Don't act any more but do still sing (in Church) and for my own pleasure. I am joining a local Choir in the next few months as well. My journey with this disease has been fraught with so much pain I am surprised I am not a basket case. I thank everyone I have met on here and praise the Lord that this site was established for sufferers/survivors and supporters to come together. My only regret is that my wife refuses to engage with this forum saying that there is nothing wrong with me.

 

[arfie]

Singing is great! Just because we carry our voice with us does not make it a lesser instrument. Developing and maintaining voice mastery is a high art. I carry my feet everywhere but have never been in danger of mastering a Grand Jete! My voice is not much ahead of my feet. Pun intended. I sure love listening and watching, though.

Off-topic: I wonder if you have read, "Cry to Heaven" by Anne Rice. It is a tale of two 18th century Italian contraltos. (Male opera singers who sang female roles.) Your Shakespearean reference made me think of it. It is not your typical Anne Rice novel.

keep on singing!

 

[Deleted member 20280]

"Wither wilt though lead me, speak I'll go no further!" from which famous Shakespeare play?

 

[arfie]

Hamlet, act one, scene five.

You did remember we had our browser windows open, didn't you?

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Hamlet to his fathers ghost act one scene five followed by "mark me!" "I will"
"my sulpherous and tormenting flames must render up myself" "alas poor ghost" "pity me not but lend thy serious hearing to the tale I shall unfold"

In answer No, google closed as during my stage days I played both Hamlet and Ghost in a duologue for my exam piece. :-)