My PTSD sufferer bf is pushing me away again. After a 12 day breakup we got back together Tuesday. Tuesday was awesome. He was his usual loving, attentive self. Wednesday I didn't see him due to an attack. Thursday he threw his back out. Friday he said we'd definitely see each other that night. He never came and never let me know that he wasn't coming. So he is in avoidance mode again. It is so hard for me to understand. He makes promises and doesn't follow through and doesn't even seem remorseful about disappointing me. I guess I just can't understand how he can be how he was on Tuesday and then completely block me out. It makes coping difficult. But I love him and I want to be with him. It seems weekends are a problem for him and I don't know why. He shuts me out often on weekends. But I have trouble letting him be because I'm afraid if I don't stay connected he'll think I gave up on him. He knows I've been afraid since we got back together but he hasn't done a damn thing to reassure me and now this. I'm just frustrated and confused.
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Relationship This Is So Difficult. I Dont Know If I Can Do It.
- Post starter nahla1204
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Justmehere
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It's my understanding from previous posts that you broke up after dating for a month because he wanted to try to work things out with his ex-girlfriend and now is back with you.
Avoidance is a symptom of PTSD. Standing girlfriends up isn't a symptoms of PTSD. Sometimes I have to cancel plans at the last minute, but I respect people so I tell them I won't be there. PTSD or not, he should have told you he could not make it Friday night.
Is it a pattern form him to say he will be there and then without saying anything, not show up at all? If it is not a pattern, then I personally would wonder if he had been in an accident or if he was ok - which is part of why people tell people when they have to cancel - so that others don't wonder if they are ok or if something horrible happened.
Your frustration and confusion is very justified. I'm sorry he hasn't been reassuring you. It's very understandable and healthy to want and even need reassurance after someone breaks up and gets back together and then is somewhat abandoning again. Trust is something that is earned over time, and he doesn't sound like he is doing much to try to earn your trust. He may not be capable of it right now, but that's not an excuse - only a possible explanation.
He could have a disorganized attachment pattern behind why he can be close and loving one day, and avoidant the next. He could also be stuck in a trauma reenactment cycle where he is now playing out the role of abandoner.
This is really really difficult stuff to handle. It's ok if you can't do it right now. Part of loving someone is knowing what we can and can't handle and staying in those limits. Not being able to handle this doesn't mean you love him less. Many therapists can't handle trauma and some of the stuff you are experiencing (which is why finding trauma specialities can be so important - they have more skill in this area than others).
I would be more concerned if you found this exciting or something you thrived on or if you were totally ok with this as it is. This is really hard stuff. Love sometimes can mean taking a step back.
Avoidance is a symptom of PTSD. Standing girlfriends up isn't a symptoms of PTSD. Sometimes I have to cancel plans at the last minute, but I respect people so I tell them I won't be there. PTSD or not, he should have told you he could not make it Friday night.
Is it a pattern form him to say he will be there and then without saying anything, not show up at all? If it is not a pattern, then I personally would wonder if he had been in an accident or if he was ok - which is part of why people tell people when they have to cancel - so that others don't wonder if they are ok or if something horrible happened.
Your frustration and confusion is very justified. I'm sorry he hasn't been reassuring you. It's very understandable and healthy to want and even need reassurance after someone breaks up and gets back together and then is somewhat abandoning again. Trust is something that is earned over time, and he doesn't sound like he is doing much to try to earn your trust. He may not be capable of it right now, but that's not an excuse - only a possible explanation.
He could have a disorganized attachment pattern behind why he can be close and loving one day, and avoidant the next. He could also be stuck in a trauma reenactment cycle where he is now playing out the role of abandoner.
This is really really difficult stuff to handle. It's ok if you can't do it right now. Part of loving someone is knowing what we can and can't handle and staying in those limits. Not being able to handle this doesn't mean you love him less. Many therapists can't handle trauma and some of the stuff you are experiencing (which is why finding trauma specialities can be so important - they have more skill in this area than others).
I would be more concerned if you found this exciting or something you thrived on or if you were totally ok with this as it is. This is really hard stuff. Love sometimes can mean taking a step back.
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The break up is a complicated situation. I know we need to talk and establish boundaries. The odd thing is he was able to tell me on Wednesday that he was having an attack and wouldn't be coming by. And I talked to him earlier in the day Friday and by evening he was avoiding me. Its definitely a pattern. And I wonder if its his fear of getting close. He often tells me he is afraid his PTSD will be too much for me.
I think it is time for a really long talk.
I think it is time for a really long talk.
Justmehere
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I think that is a great idea - especially for you to communicate the boundaries and needs you have.
There is just one caveat: if he is already avoiding you - pushing him to have a heart to heart talk might be really hard for him to do. With PTSD, love is scary. With PTSD, if he's avoiding, it's a sign he is already overwhelmed by the closeness of the relationship.
It's not because you are doing something wrong. It is just how PTSD commonly affects people and relationships.
You might have a lot more success if you wait until his nervous system calms back down and he doesn't feel the need to be avoidant so much and THEN have a long talk.
That's how it is for me when I'm avoiding people myself - I can have those long talks a lot better after some time has passed and I've taken space I needed to re-group and let my PTSD calm down.
There is just one caveat: if he is already avoiding you - pushing him to have a heart to heart talk might be really hard for him to do. With PTSD, love is scary. With PTSD, if he's avoiding, it's a sign he is already overwhelmed by the closeness of the relationship.
It's not because you are doing something wrong. It is just how PTSD commonly affects people and relationships.
You might have a lot more success if you wait until his nervous system calms back down and he doesn't feel the need to be avoidant so much and THEN have a long talk.
That's how it is for me when I'm avoiding people myself - I can have those long talks a lot better after some time has passed and I've taken space I needed to re-group and let my PTSD calm down.
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Justmehere
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I don't think that's asking for too much. Sounds very reasonable. I hope you hear back soon.
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I'm thinking it could be months before it calms down. I mentioned the need to talk and he's been distant ever since so what you're saying makes sense. However, on Tuesday he asked me to go to therapy with him because 'maybe it will help and maybe that is what he needs'. I feel like he really wants the closeness if a relationship but fears it too.
He asked me on Tuesday if I really meant it when I said I loved him. I said of course. He replied that its hard for him to say it but he will, he just needs time. I think he loves me and its terrifying him. I try to reassure him but I'm not perfect. I have my own insecurities and needs for reassurance.
@Justmehere thank you so much. You gave been invaluable to me with all this.
He asked me on Tuesday if I really meant it when I said I loved him. I said of course. He replied that its hard for him to say it but he will, he just needs time. I think he loves me and its terrifying him. I try to reassure him but I'm not perfect. I have my own insecurities and needs for reassurance.
@Justmehere thank you so much. You gave been invaluable to me with all this.
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Another thing is he seems to be easily manipulated. He went back to his ex because her son asked him to try again. He felt bad so he said yes. According to him he realized pretty quick that 'he just threw away the best thing in his life' so he ended it with her and came back for me.
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Justmehere
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The articles @Seaotter mentioned in this thread might be helpful: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/thre...attachment-drama-triangles.41272/#post-670552
Someone may want to run a marathon, and maybe they used to be able to do that... but now they are fighting cancer, and hasn't accepted their own limits and/or gotten through chemo yet. They may say I'm going to run this marathon, because they really really want to... but they fizzle out after the 1st mile. They so want to do the marathon... that they keep trying... unable to yet make it.
PTSD - and the denial that can come when battling PTSD or any major illness - can be a little like that.
Being a combat vet too - he's battled serious foes. He may not yet realize he has to fight PTSD differently and may not yet understand or accept his own limits right now, and is unintentionally hurting you in the process by his need for space.
Has he responded to your text asking if he was ok?
Someone may want to run a marathon, and maybe they used to be able to do that... but now they are fighting cancer, and hasn't accepted their own limits and/or gotten through chemo yet. They may say I'm going to run this marathon, because they really really want to... but they fizzle out after the 1st mile. They so want to do the marathon... that they keep trying... unable to yet make it.
PTSD - and the denial that can come when battling PTSD or any major illness - can be a little like that.
Being a combat vet too - he's battled serious foes. He may not yet realize he has to fight PTSD differently and may not yet understand or accept his own limits right now, and is unintentionally hurting you in the process by his need for space.
Has he responded to your text asking if he was ok?
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