This Love I Have... Is It Insane?

[Luke]

Everyone craves or necessitates "acceptance" from time to time. Even the most distant of us. It's natural & endearing to romanticize people, ideas, & scenarios. Romance is merely hope. The hope of sharing yourself with another who wishes to share herself or himself with you reciprocally. Romanticism, is that hope painting pictures of it's own desire to share it's expounding aspirations. Currently, you are a tormented "painter" of sorts. You are merely connecting your hope to your aspirations through the artistry of romance.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Romance fuels the sentient world as we know (whether we acknowledge it or not) it. It is the epicenter of everything shared or deprived. Life is an undulating exploration of romance, & romance is a fluctuating sublimation of life. Why live life without romance? It is existentialism at it's (occasionally rotten) contradictory & resounding core. It's what feeds our hunger to reach beyond ourselves, even if it rarely quells our thirst. OK... I'm gonna stop there before this expands exponentially into who knows what?! Some trite blather of whatever sort!

Sigh.

Anyway, I think you get (?) the idea. Just, be sure to take a step back (& it sounds like you are already doing/have done that) to observe your art &/or canvased work. In existential terms, you are the artist. You hold the brush, & you have control over that romanticism. Although it may not feel like it, you have the ultimate control over that art.

 

[heidi]

Aww.. you're really awesome. I always got a cool vibe from you. I like the way you describe yourself. You're right you have to be willing to try sometimes. We need people who are willing to try. And just being aware that it can also be a weakness if you let it, that's great. Definitely don't go changing.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Is there any chance that this is tapping into other feelings that are not about him at all?

Actually... yeah. This is more about me, and my own difficulties, than about him (although I think he could've handled things a bit more diplomatically). You're right about the caretaker thing. Even when we had a fling, it felt weird (that's why we broke up). He felt more like an older brother or an uncle to me (I wouldn't say "dad" because that creeps me out!). I just felt safe with him, I almost never feel safe with anybody. Which made it even more painful that I was forced to let him be in his own space.

I used to want to control everybody else, but I find that's fading. The fear of being left alone by people like him, however, still horribly intense. When I was a kid, I felt a kind of horrible fear that my parents would leave me for ever because I was such a terrible child. It felt like being thrown into a dark, eternal void. I also was really angry with them because by not loving me they "betrayed me" and I guess I'm projecting all of this onto this guy. Funny, I swore to change history and yet it pervades everything I do... and how I think.

The hope of sharing yourself with another who wishes to share herself or himself with you reciprocally.

Yeah. When I met him, I felt really lonely in this way. And now I still do. Makes me kind of afraid of how my next relationship will be, but I can only wait and see. I found out this week that I was also diagnosed with BPD (Someone had told me before, but I just forgot about that because I was in denial of it) -in the light of that, all of this seems to make more sense. You're right about being the artist, though. In the end it's ourselves who shape our reality ;-)

 

[denni1denise]

I understand exactly how you feel, and how the mixture of being comforted and cared about through a bereavement is a powerful emotion. Holding on to these people who tell you to bugger off, is heartbreaking because they were the very ones who kept you afloat through a horrendous time. But that time has passed. They're living their lives, while we're sitting around in our own heads stewing over a fleeting moment in time! Like the switch flicker in ' Fatal Attraction'. C'mon now. Let's try to move forward. Baby steps then jump those hurdles ..

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thank you Denise :) You know what, it took me forever (almost two years) but I got over this in the end. I apologized to him for sending him emails replete of my problems and expecting him to fix my pain. He apologized to me for sometimes being an inconsiderate jerk. I still love him with all my heart, I don't know if I have ever loved somebody this much. It is not an "in love" thing, but a thing where I love him unconditionally.

It's pretty weird, I've always thought that unconditional love was a bunch of horsecrap. I now trust that he still cares for me, but that he just needs to live his life, just like you say. I don't need him to adjust his life to mine anymore and that's great. Maybe it's weird but when I feel down or anxiety-ridden I still think of him. I picture him giving me a hug or standing between me and my paranoia.