This The Season To Light Up Family Dysfunction

[KwanYingirl]

My mother did it again. I live a state away from her, she has an apartment, I avoid contact with her. But last Christmas I asked her if me and my kids could come Christmas Eve and I would cook a nice dinner. I told her I don't get quality time with her when the other sibs are around because they all ignore me-including her. So she thought that would be nice and three days before Xmas eve I called her to see what I needed to buy for groceries, whereupon she said she had invited my brother and his wife and they were cooking dinner. So, sure enough they hung out together in the kitchen and didn't talk to us at all. I was really hurt and pissed off.

So this year my kids aren't going to be able to get together until Saturday. And also I am having my kitchen redone and want to get away. So I told my mother I could hang out with her over xmas to Sunday after. The kids will come Sat and I'll cook lasagna. I told her I'd transport her to anywhere she wanted to go on xmas.

She called me to get my sons address and in idle chat she said she'd be spending xmas with my brother. I said WHAT???This again? She acted as if I never told her a thing about going to her place.

One of my therapists told me I am the 'lost child' in an alcoholic family. That is so true. And stupid me keeps trying to have some kind of relationship with this woman who acts like I don't exist. Like she can't stand being around me. None of them include me in any family get togethers. I know that because they invite my children but not me. Ouch. That's it, never again will I offer her anything.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@KwanYingirl

I don't know what to write to you, other than I know this all too well myself. It was easier when I lived further away from family. Very painful now that I am close by. I was the surrogate mother at 15 when my mom skipped out, then showed up for Thanksgiving to say she had cancer. She has survived very well the decades, a social butterfly. Any call answered is always, just on my way out to yoga, or the trash needs out. Tell my self I will not let it hurt again, but it does. I was going to make lasagna last night, and share with a lovely old couple down the road that I meet walking my dog. Lost my confidence (he is ancient and a great cook, so I just brought over some of the sauce last night). Two thumbs up and a big hug this morning. Life outside of family … makes me cry, finding new 'family.'

Would love to share lasagna with you!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that's a good thing, that is, not doing anything for your mom again. I've decided to cut ties with my mom because I'm tired of it all. She pulled some drama over Thanksgiving where if she couldn't see my brother and I for the ENTIRE day, then she didn't want to see us at all. She threw a fit and told me that she deserves some happiness over the holidays and how its not fair. Uhm, ok, well how about what I want, or what my brother wants? Its just a bunch of crazy making control tactics. Now she's left me messages on my phone saying how since we couldn't get together for thanksgiving, that we should go out together sometime before Christmas. I'm not giving in. I've had it up to here with all of the stuff she throws my way and I just can't do it anymore.

I hate how I see so many posts lately about cutting ties with family. I don't hate that it is being done by so many of us, rather, I hate that it has to be done in the first place. I hate that we didn't get the kind of parents that we deserved and now we are being backed into a corner where we finally say ENOUGH and cut ties. You deserve better. We all do.

 

[Leigh925]

I am really sorry that happened to you.....again! This has happened to me several times. I quit for a while and say I am not going to do family things anymore and then find myself getting soft around the holidays. I keep going back for more...there are just enough small successes to lull me back into trying and then I am right back where I started. I wish I had some great bit of advice for you. I don't. I am right there with you! Not that it is overly helpful....but you are not alone in feeling this way. I wish it were better for all of us!

 

[Eleanor]

I also am sorry to hear your mother is STILL pulling this crap. You don't have to sign up for any more, and IMHO you are fully totally and completely justified in NOT doing any more. You deserve(d) a better mother. You are such a thoughtful and considerate person it is totally and completely .... there is not even a word ... unacceptable and INSANE that she treats you like this.

I'm with you @Solara, I hate that this even comes up in the first place.

If I was back east @KwanYingirl I'd invite you to our Christmas - and welcome!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thank you Eleanor. Whenever my mother gave me advice (unsolicited) about mothering my children, I would do the exact opposite tactic.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Oh and by the way, when I was so sick from the chemical exposure I had and lost my career, my mother went behind my back and wrote my beloved daughter (15 at the time) a letter bribing her to go live with them. She told her I was useless and she should move to Florida. She offered to send her to private school and pay for her college. OK class.... We now know what abandonment means.

 

[Eleanor]

Beyond abandonment @KwanYingirl, outright abuse. Betrayal. Aggression. Sabotage. Abandonment would be more benign. If only she had just simple Walked Away. It would, in some ways, be ALOT less painful. You don't deserve any of this. And I hope you can find it within yourself to take care of yourself by not signing up for any more of it. You've built good relationships with other people. It's. Not. You.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@KwanYingirl As Eleanor say, it is not you, it is not me.

KwanYingirl. Tomorrow is my first ('real' whatever that means) meeting with a 'Mental Health.." Met a few weeks ago and did a 2 hour who are you and what do you feel, and what are your strengths (that one did have an either uncontrolled laugh for vomit, head down deep breaths.) So what happens tomorrow a pre therapist, or psych? A schedule for more appointments weeks away. I know I have RR PTSD, need to have deeper sleep, and less flashbacks, so 3-4 AM is not either controlling with breathing the chocking, and then all the head mind loops of day to day survival. I know the meds so far have not helped sleep, bad, and increased anxiety. I know soon to be homeless and bills are overwhelming add to this significantly. How much will all this visit make my already non supportive family HOLIDAYS, exacerbate? Know the dentist routine, this is a new one? Weather is crap, but thoughts are to just go camp with me and my dog. Unplugged.

Mom has a three bedroom home to her self, and a condo rental, and my Pedaeo brother has one of her 3 bedrooms condos, free rent for a decade. No room for me. WHoooo WHooooo. WHHHOOOOO. Let it be, let it be, they are no friend to me. Good note is I make my own cheer baking favorite dog treats to one an all WoooF WoooooooF.

You take care KwanYingirl, and I will too. Ugly is ugly, and I choose beauty.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I hear you all, really I do. But my condo is a freaking construction zone. It looks like I'm a hoarder and it's still weeks away to get project completed. I'm going to crash at my Moms so I can see my children for the holiday. She'll behave with them there, gotta make a false front, make me the looney one. Next year my condo will be me and I can have the kids can come to me.
By the way, do they even make regular paper shelf paper anymore? All I see is vinyl which off gasses and makes me sick.