Those Who Had Dissociation Please Help

[Quiet]

Hello. This is longer than I thought it would be but I hope I could get your opinion. It will be very helpful for me.

I know I have PTSD because I had a trigger that caused flashback with a panic attack and dissociation in a public setting. Which lasted a few seconds... The flashback is not associated with the memory I am now about to tell so I will not write about it in here.

This is the momory I am confused about : I have this memory of a stoker, when I was in kindergarten, in a taxi who tried to lure me into his car offering help to get to my relatives house. I am uncertain whether I got into the cab or not. My mother was away and I was waiting for my mother to comeback. While waiting he was watching me and walked up to me trying to talk to me. I got scared and left the house to head for my relatives house.

I have one memory remembering reaching the relatives house and the taxi already there. When I got there and he said 'Your a clever girl finding your way up here.'
And I have another momory of getting out of the cab with synthetic leather squicking under my legs as I got off it.

I think it is possible that if I were to be sexually molested at that age I could have dissociated and not remember about it.
However I had been sexually assulted by my friend's brother around 5th grade but I did not dissociate, instead I cried my lungs out for help and was angry at him.

Here is the question.
If I did not dissociate with the sexual assult in 5th grade could it mean that I wasn't sexually molested in the taxi?

I have had auditory hallucination, when I was around 1st grade, of a man following a video for learning english. I know it's hallucination because there was no man in my house. My mom and little brother was asleep. And there was no man around my apartment balcony to prove that I miss heard his voice as hallucination.

This thought is causing me anxieties and nightmares. I would like to hear your opinion and get it over with.

Thank-you for reading.
Hope to hear from you soon.

 

[The Albatross]

Patterns can change. I have a lot of blank spots as a child and youth... with later traumatic situations I stayed "present" through them til the danger had passed... disassociating afterwards. Whether or not you disassociated is not really a validation or refutation of your suspected sexual molestation in the taxi.

I have a lot of memory fragments, but don't tend to pursue them unless they can either be independently validated or more memory breaks through.

 

[greenleaf]

Do you have a therapist who is familiar with childhood trauma and dissociation? You deserve help for what you are going through now, as you try to figure these things out. Good therapists can help you explore the fragments without "leading" you in any direction -- while helping you gain skills to feel less afraid of the memories that do come. Since trauma can disrupt memory formation, there may be no actual record in our minds of some things; that's really difficult to deal with, and a good therapist should be able to help you without minimizing your experiences.

Our interpretations of our memories can change as we work on them; that doesn't mean that nothing happened or that we cannot be certain of some things, from my perspective. However we may never know about other aspects of the past. We still need to heal though, and even being presented with a completely accurate, magically produced book on exactly what happened to us, would not itself heal the damage that abuse has done; the healing is a separate thing that we can work on even with a lot of uncertainty as to details of the past. PTSD is caused by actual changes to the brain structure in pretty deep levels; improving one's ability to feel safe with people and recognize one's own feelings, for instance, are examples of the work many of us need to do as a result of the abuse.

 

[Quiet]

Patterns can change. I have a lot of blank spots as a child and youth... with later traumatic situ...

Thank-you for clearifying about dissociation Albatross :)
I thought the triggers would always cause dissociation under similar circumstances... Perhaps I was wrong.
Thank-you for being frank with me and I hope you'll soon recover and be able to live peacefully with your memories... I sometimes hope that memories will never return but hallucinations appear when I talk about sexual subjects so I don't think I can completely rule them out of my equation... Sad but it could be true...
Argh This is frustrating.

 

[Anarchy]

I have had auditory hallucination, when I was around 1st grade, of a man following a video for learning english. I know it's hallucination because there was no man in my house. My mom and little brother was asleep. And there was no man around my apartment balcony to prove that I miss heard his voice as hallucination.

Hi Quiet,
Welcome to the forum.
I know this is not your main point, but perhaps I can help you lay it to rest.
Approx 10% of the general population experience hearing voices. Only about 1% of the population ever get diagnosed as schizophrenic.

putting sensors on people's facial muscles shows that when they are engaging in their own internal monologue (thinking in words) there are weak impulses to the muscles that would have been used to speak out loud.

The same happens with people who experience voices. It is their own internal monologue. It is just that they don't attribute it to themselves. There is nothing abnormal about that, for exqample Paul McCartney spent weeks trying to find out where he had heard the tune for "yesterday" which he had woken up with one morning. Because he hadn't expended effort to compose it, he didn't think it was his own.

There is an international "Hearing voices movement" that began with a group called "resonnance" in the Netherlands. It aims to have the experience of hearing voices de-medicalized. Just as being gay was once considered a mental illness and forcibly "treated" and is now recognized as just being a normal part of the variety of human experience.

 

[Quiet]

Do you have a therapist who is familiar with childhood trauma and dissociation? You deserve help for w...

Thank-you greenleaf for your advice on memory, feelings and therapist. :)

I had a therapist but I have trust issues I couldn't overcome and decided I should end it. After that I am working on myself and reading books and searching online for what causes my anxiety levels to rise... I did manage to analyze the trigger for most part but night mares still persist meaning I still have things I haven't resolved....:(

Your answer helped me to decide if I need to see another therapist and I now think I need a new therapist who specializes on childhood trauma. I do have the list and selected a few who is a professional.

I do not know if I am the only one who has dejavu but dejavu and dreams helped me recover quite a lot. I wonder if others have the experience....

Thank-you for your considerate opinion and hope you'll get better soon :)
Cheers!

 

[Quiet]

Hi Quiet,
Welcome to the forum.
I know this is not your main point, but perhaps I can help you lay it to...

Wow! Thank-you Anarchy for your stunning opinion on auditory hallucination!

I was worried because I thought only the youngsters get auditory hallucination not 1st graders!

Your opinion really helped alleviate my distress about it! Thank-you for helping me :) I have a friend who thinks he's schizophrenia but he can write really well and got an award for it! I should tell him about it! Thank-you! :)

 

[Anarchy]

This should get you started
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hearing_Voices_Movement
As for people worrying that they are "schizophrenic" this is a very worthwhile read
http://www.bookdepository.com/Madness-Explained-Richard-P-Bentall/9780140275407

 

[Quiet]

Thank-you so much Anarchy.

Just a note, I'm an anarchy myself. I don't see the point of having boundaries around the world when worlds are the same where ever you go. Everyone shouldn't have to fight to protect territory but instead should value that others are people just like we are. Anyway, thank-you I really appreciate it :)

 

[watundah]

Memories. Odd, real, fuzzy, distorted, hidden. They haunt us. We all question them. I am told I carry the symptoms of someone who underwent multiple episodes of sexual abuse but have just a couple of hazy memories so I understand your confusion. I think you are best to not get hooked into the questioning for details although it can be quite maddening, wondering. I'm sure that hypnosis could help but I feel it's better to deal with the symptoms than suffer the knowing. Our mind is protecting our hearts. Good luck to you.

 

[Quiet]

Memories. Odd, real, fuzzy, distorted, hidden. They haunt us. We all question them. I am told I carry t...

Thank-you watundah, I'm sorry to hear your going through hard times... I hope you will get better soon...
I am slowly recovering minimal details from the past. But I haven't tried hypnosis because I am afraid I won't be able to trust the person operating it... Perhaps as a last resort, I might have a go but for now I'm trying to remember them and write memories and triggers down on a note. I want to be clear before I meet a new psychiatrist...
I hope you'll be able to find peace with all the memories...