Fiadh
Confident
Suicidal thoughts have been part of my life for over a decade. They sometimes linger and I actually give them time, headspace and boy can they occupy that little space they’ve rented quickly. But thankfully for me mostly they are intrusive thoughts, popping in to remind me that, suicide is an option.
The difficult thing is, i find I keep these thoughts to myself. Not share. Because you get different reactions, mostly an awkward exchange of positive messages coming your way and the other person leaving with a feeling you are a risk.
I’m not a risk to myself, I recognise they are thoughts and give myself time to calm down. But I wonder that if I could share them, it may gives them less power I guess.
It’s been a while since I last logged onto this site. I see that as a positive. Instead of obsessing about, how I can get better quickly or the ‘right way’. I’ve had time to reflect on what I’ve learnt here. But we all have our bad days, and I hope this doesn’t last too long this time.
I don’t really think of the future. It seems too far away. I don’t even think about what I’m going to eat next or whether I would ever make plans to meet friends. I know my future seems like it doesn’t really exist. So what’s the point planning etc.
I know that one thing that helps me is writing, writing things down. Not necessarily to resolve things, but to get it out of my brain. I feel like I’m living more in the NOW than in the past. Which is good because at one point they seemed the same thing. I felt everyday I was going to die, somehow, it felt real. But now I have been able to separate it to a degree, things will always keep popping up I guess.
One day I would like to be able to confidently speak about events which happened and not feel that intense panic arise. But I don’t think that will ever happen, humans are supposed to feel. My mind feels foggy and body feels groggy. But writing definitely helps...
The difficult thing is, i find I keep these thoughts to myself. Not share. Because you get different reactions, mostly an awkward exchange of positive messages coming your way and the other person leaving with a feeling you are a risk.
I’m not a risk to myself, I recognise they are thoughts and give myself time to calm down. But I wonder that if I could share them, it may gives them less power I guess.
It’s been a while since I last logged onto this site. I see that as a positive. Instead of obsessing about, how I can get better quickly or the ‘right way’. I’ve had time to reflect on what I’ve learnt here. But we all have our bad days, and I hope this doesn’t last too long this time.
I don’t really think of the future. It seems too far away. I don’t even think about what I’m going to eat next or whether I would ever make plans to meet friends. I know my future seems like it doesn’t really exist. So what’s the point planning etc.
I know that one thing that helps me is writing, writing things down. Not necessarily to resolve things, but to get it out of my brain. I feel like I’m living more in the NOW than in the past. Which is good because at one point they seemed the same thing. I felt everyday I was going to die, somehow, it felt real. But now I have been able to separate it to a degree, things will always keep popping up I guess.
One day I would like to be able to confidently speak about events which happened and not feel that intense panic arise. But I don’t think that will ever happen, humans are supposed to feel. My mind feels foggy and body feels groggy. But writing definitely helps...