I was a victim of CSA - since I was three till I was eight.
I have a Friend, he has been my support since last year, but we have known each other for a few years before that. We are really close, I am able to tell him anything about my feelings, emotions, memories, flashbacks... He convinced me to go therapy and I do. He is here for me whenever I want to, whenever I need to - we don´t see each other very often, so we usually call.
But I realised I grew afraid of him. Transferance (*sigh*). I know how it works, so does he... I am lucky he is so understanding and is really calm, he never gets angry with me for anything.
I also realised I feel urges to yell at him and send him away from me, forever. I tell him not to call me ever again. I ask him to tell me he doesn´t love me. I ask him to leave me alone, for I deserve to be alone and scared and everything... I can´t understand somebody truly loves me and cares for me...
It gets worse when I actually see him. We met recently and spoke together for an hour. He was kind to me, gently stroking my hair, holding me tenderly in his arms, kissing my forehaed and hands... Sometimes I started shivering and hyperventilating and I could see the pain in his eyes, I could feel the sadness in his voice when he started to tell me that he won´t hurt me... I felt lost, divided into parts, I think there are three of them - one of them is The Big One, the usuall me, one is the Little Girl, and the last one is I Am Angry.
It all went well, but then we got too close for a while - nothing really bad, we were fighting just for fun, I just hugged him time and our lips - unwillingly, by an accident - touched. I Am Angry pushed him away, immediately, telling him he was a fool. He apologised, swearing it was not intentional. I also didn´t know what has happened, maybe it was more like my fault - probably just a coincidence... We spoke about it earlier and both agreed on not kissing... :oops:
I Am Angry hit him with paper, her emotions were stronger than mine, she started to cry, refusing to let him go, refusing to talk, hitting the wall with her shoes and keys. It wasn´t strong enought to break to the outside, but I could have felt it, all the imprisoned emotions. She told him not to come again, not to call me, to leave me alone, that I deserve no better... She was angry at me.
Finaly I broke down and the Little Girl started to cry, she told him she was afraid that he would hurt her the way my Granduncle did when I was four - it had something to do with my mouth :confused: Horrible, horrible fear... He asked me again to forgive him for being a fool... he told me he cared for all the parts I have, for my whole soul... He apologised over and over, saying he was only angry at himself for not being more careful, definitely not at me, that I was good... I let him go, finally, holding his hand briefly for one more time - and asking him to call me again... he promised to do so as soon as possible, that I don´t have to afraid he would ever leave me in that way -
I can´t really cry... I can´t tell my T I am afraid that everybody will eventually leave me... It´s just so stupid of me to think so, I know she won´t, I know my Friend won´t let me alone, no matter what I do... I know it, but I don´t feel it... I don´t want her to know I am so stupid... I have always felt that way even about my mom, who is a wonderful mom...It´s just - she wasn´t here, when I was abused... She wasn´t here and I could not have told her - it was as if I were lost, a Little Girl in the darkest forest with no light...
And my parts hate each other... :confused:
Have you ever felt that way?
Thank you for listening (*safe hugs?*)
I have a Friend, he has been my support since last year, but we have known each other for a few years before that. We are really close, I am able to tell him anything about my feelings, emotions, memories, flashbacks... He convinced me to go therapy and I do. He is here for me whenever I want to, whenever I need to - we don´t see each other very often, so we usually call.
But I realised I grew afraid of him. Transferance (*sigh*). I know how it works, so does he... I am lucky he is so understanding and is really calm, he never gets angry with me for anything.
I also realised I feel urges to yell at him and send him away from me, forever. I tell him not to call me ever again. I ask him to tell me he doesn´t love me. I ask him to leave me alone, for I deserve to be alone and scared and everything... I can´t understand somebody truly loves me and cares for me...
It gets worse when I actually see him. We met recently and spoke together for an hour. He was kind to me, gently stroking my hair, holding me tenderly in his arms, kissing my forehaed and hands... Sometimes I started shivering and hyperventilating and I could see the pain in his eyes, I could feel the sadness in his voice when he started to tell me that he won´t hurt me... I felt lost, divided into parts, I think there are three of them - one of them is The Big One, the usuall me, one is the Little Girl, and the last one is I Am Angry.
It all went well, but then we got too close for a while - nothing really bad, we were fighting just for fun, I just hugged him time and our lips - unwillingly, by an accident - touched. I Am Angry pushed him away, immediately, telling him he was a fool. He apologised, swearing it was not intentional. I also didn´t know what has happened, maybe it was more like my fault - probably just a coincidence... We spoke about it earlier and both agreed on not kissing... :oops:
I Am Angry hit him with paper, her emotions were stronger than mine, she started to cry, refusing to let him go, refusing to talk, hitting the wall with her shoes and keys. It wasn´t strong enought to break to the outside, but I could have felt it, all the imprisoned emotions. She told him not to come again, not to call me, to leave me alone, that I deserve no better... She was angry at me.
Finaly I broke down and the Little Girl started to cry, she told him she was afraid that he would hurt her the way my Granduncle did when I was four - it had something to do with my mouth :confused: Horrible, horrible fear... He asked me again to forgive him for being a fool... he told me he cared for all the parts I have, for my whole soul... He apologised over and over, saying he was only angry at himself for not being more careful, definitely not at me, that I was good... I let him go, finally, holding his hand briefly for one more time - and asking him to call me again... he promised to do so as soon as possible, that I don´t have to afraid he would ever leave me in that way -
I can´t really cry... I can´t tell my T I am afraid that everybody will eventually leave me... It´s just so stupid of me to think so, I know she won´t, I know my Friend won´t let me alone, no matter what I do... I know it, but I don´t feel it... I don´t want her to know I am so stupid... I have always felt that way even about my mom, who is a wonderful mom...It´s just - she wasn´t here, when I was abused... She wasn´t here and I could not have told her - it was as if I were lost, a Little Girl in the darkest forest with no light...
And my parts hate each other... :confused:
Have you ever felt that way?
Thank you for listening (*safe hugs?*)
