I don’t know why I feel so iretable. I haven’t had reiki for awhile just because of scheduling snafus and my Shaman got the flu. She has been so stressed out, her mom has heart disease and she almost died. I think she’s on the mend. She went to a reiki conference in England at which the subject of PTSD was considered. Typically, a reiki session should hold for a month, but they find that for PTSD clients, every two weeks helps stabilize the system. I got pierced by a clients hair and the wound is infected. Yuk I hate that his sweaty bacteria got into me. I feel violated considering that he dies not follow my recommendations. He keeps shaving which makes it near impossible to remove his hair. He won’t come on a regular basis and won’t give me a phone number. He won’t lie flat or on his belly. He’s just a hassle. So I’ll get a recheck today. It’s not just a little prick, it is the size of a quarter and it’s getting bigger. I hope my doc drains it. It’s not that all men are impossible. Everybody else respects my experience and follows my instructions and they get good results. My infection control policies are very strict. I wear a mask and gloves and disinfect everything, this was a freak incident. It happened two weeks ago and I had a round of Keflex to no avail. I use lancets to excise ingrown hairs from beneath the skin and I am so tempted to drain this myself. It’s on my dominant arm and I don’t think my left hand has the dexterity to do the job.
I know I’m being irrational. Had it been any other clients hair I don’t think I would be so upset. I told him not to shave and he did anyway, I should’ve refused to treat him. Live and learn.
Alright so take some kind of helpful action. I obsess about germs. Well also on any situation that I can’t control. It’s such a waste of energy to be this way, but is a hallmark trait of hypervigelence. If I could just ignore it, accept it and move on, I’d feel a lot better. This is the story of my life. This obsessiveness. My ex used to complain that if I didn’t have some issue to resolve, I’d create a problem. I’ve read articles about PTSD that describe this tendency of sufferers, this need to control in hopes of having some control over my life. I lose sleep at times like this. Not so helpful in trying to change my attitude. I take leave of my wise mind and turn back into that terrified, battered, raped child over and over. What really works to find comfort from this storm? I ask and ask my therapist please tell me what to do to be able to comfort myself. Now I forget what he would say. Something to the effect of getting grounded, stimulate my prefrontal lobe that soothes the limbic system. I get the theory, it’s the actually doing it that I forget.
It’s snowing out that will change over to rain later. I’d rather not drive to the doctor but I need to get this pus out of my body. I wish I had someone that cared about me, help me negotiate my manic brain. And here’s the thing, I decided that I would work on my phobia of being in the woods alone ( bad bad things happened to me in the woods). When my dogs were alive and large breeds I felt protected and could snowshoe alone but Annie weighs 12 pounds and I don’t think she would deter the boogie man. So irrational.,
