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Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

@seedling do you think it would get me to a calm enough state to undergo EMDR? Your experience with your safe place and the white woman sounds Shamanic. In the lower world there are extraterrestrials who are helpers. They are large white essences. They came when she called for spirits to join our circle upon which she asked them to leave. I don't know why she did that, I guess they're confusing at times. I looked for APPs of drumming and two of them had the SAME tree and savanna I dreamed up!! Then I realized that I have a fine art print of a big old tree in a field windswept.

Do you feel as if you have no soul? I have for as long as I can remember. My therapist told me PTSD invades our mi d, body and spirit. I was using Reiki for the spiritual piece and I'm staying with that. A white swan came to her during a recent session and I looked it up what it means. The answer was believing that the world is full of wonders and its import and to be stead face in faith in order to navigate confusion. Yup! Sounds like a spirit for me for sure. I kind of doubted that swan is my primary power animal. It's possible I guess to plant something from your conscious mind into other world realms. On the other hand, she keeps showing up at. Stressful times. It was the coolest experience I've had so far. I'd like to try a sweat lodge sometime.
 
I wrote about my EMDR experience because it sounded so similar to your journey. I wonder if we are doing some of the same things in different ways? Or are at different points in the same kind of journey? Yes, lost my soul, definitely.

I think your journey experiences could help you be ready inside to do EMDR, my experience of it is that you can find help like you did when you are in the memories. And if you can find your 4 yr old self now, maybe you won't be blocked by the dissociation?
And you've done Reiki as well, I haven't had much of that.

Last week while doing EMDR I experienced knowing that what my mother told me in her rage was a lie and that I didn't need to believe it. Right after that all the young parts of me looked down in to what seemed like a well in the middle of the room (in the memory) and a silver fountain came bubbling up out of it - like a release of part of myself that had been repressed for a long time. I had the feeling that I knew inside myself what was true about me (that I wasn't bad and evil) instead of believing what I heard from my mother.

My journey timeline:
My first therapist gave me a relaxation tape and I started having meditation journeys using it. A whole world was created in my head, I just went with what happened. Sometimes I felt strong emotions but I was able to tolerate them because I was "there," not "here." Then after starting acupuncture my emotions started showing up in that world and doing things and interacting. (they looked like children and came in pairs). Then my parts started to show up and interact depending on what I was working on in therapy/acupuncture.

It seems like it's been a progression to find all the lost parts of myself and hopefully integrate. My EMDR therapist mentioned integration last week.

I think because I had an internal world before doing EMDR I didn't have a hard time doing a safe place. I don't even use it that much except at the end of each session so I end with something positive.

I think it's significant finding your 4 yr old self and her feeling safe. You were her again and able to be her safely.

When I am doing EMDR now, we do parts work with it. My therapist has me look to see what parts are active in the memory I am in, if I am in distress she asks if the other parts can help. I experience the memory as one of my parts and other of my parts talk to each other. I usually see them in the memory as a group, standing there - some in front, some hanging back, some afraid or not ready to be there. Sometimes not all of them are there at the same time. I think it depends on the emotions I am dealing with at the time.

Sorry if I've rambled on! Hope some of that's helped. I think you've made a big leap.
 
@seedling I have a propensity to dissociate whenever I try accessing parts of me. The drumming changes brain waves so you can get to a trance state. Very relaxing. Thanks for your perspective. It does sound pretty similar weird, huh?
 
I am RECKLESS. My whole life. I don't plan or adapt to the static in my mind.

So I wake up most every night box 2-2:30. Last night I decided to take a journey that would bring me back to normal. Got my Walkman for my drumming CD, settled into bed and started my journey. This time it was intense and scary. My spirit helpers, the wolf hawk and Indugenous man were joined by a porcupine. Somethings not right. My helpers won't talk to me and they trail behind me instead of leading the way. It was very stressful. So I came back to ordinary world and was awake all night.

I texted my Shaman, telling her my journey to middle world was not happiness. She got right back and told me I WENT TO THE WRONG WORLD. Middle world is intense and I was supposed to go to lower world. Even Annie was growling while I was in middle world. Fortunately I had a reiki treatment today and I'm feeling better.

No more journeys to middle world. Looking back on it, my spirit guides were trying to pull me out of there. They were headed back instead of leading the way. Well they were leading the way. They wanted me outta there! I just kept walking getting more distressed. There was a large body of water and I could see swan far off in the distance. But as water is a common element in my nightmares, I was terrified of the water.

My Shaman is calling me this afternoon to advise me. First thing to learn is which world is which. I should've gone to lower world. Me bad! But here's the take away. I thought I was returning to the world I've been in but got them mixed up in my head. So while I was in the wrong place it totally makes sense how it turned out. Listen to your spirit guides. Trust them. And not in the middle of the night!!

I've always been recklace:"hey-take this mescaline it's fun" "hey try this pill you'll have fun" then I'm on bad trip for 18 hours. I took every drug I was offered in high school. Never think anything through.

On an unrelated note, the dress for my sons wedding got ruined by the seamstress so now I am trying to find a sleeveless dress for Jamaica. The bride keeps pushing bold colors but the bridesmaids are wearing blush tones and the mother of the bride is wearing champagne. I don't want to stick out. I hate having my picture taken. This is a huge trigger because my rapist took pictures of me with various sex toys and it makes me cringe to be photographed. So fingers crossed I found a designer dress on eBay for $75. I hope it fits it's ombré almost white at top and shading to brown down to mid calf . I wouldn't stick out in the photos.

Well, I feel strung out. I'll wait a couple days and try again. The next class we'll be going to upper world where the celestial spirits are. And I will collect some helper spirits.
 
Sorry to hear about the dress, hope you like the new one when it comes.

Whew, glad you made it back from the middle world. Great that your guides didn't leave you though. And that you were able to take the journey on your own, once you have more practice and knowledge you will be cruising around :).
Your Shaman sounds wonderful!
 
Annie is channeling my spirit animal who is a grey wolf. When I journey I wear earphones to listen to the drumming. No matter what she is doing, when the drumming starts, she comes to my side and puts her head on my shoulder at the same time wolf suggests I rest. And she sits watching out for me.
 
I loved reading about you trying to find your power animal. And wolves are amazing. I often find a large white one walking alongside me when I'm scared when I'm outside. Sending good thoughts your way ~ ~ <3 * :)
 
Good journey yesterday. Annie, as usual, sidles up to me. I changed my portal from the first branch of the tree to a hole in the ground. No reason really, it just feels better that way. My companions, wolf, hawk and Indigenous man went for a walk. We saw swan. I asked her if she was my power animal and she replied with a question. Have you looked for faith ? Well, yes and no. I said I feel safe and faithful in lower world, much more than in ordinary reality. She said nothing and swam away. We walked, then ran through a forest to arrive at a beautiful overlook down to a river. Then we just as fast traveled back to the savannah. I asked what are we doing? No answer. Then we came to a transparent barrier. The wolf walked through and I could see the air looked like Saran Wrap, like it was a portal to a new dimension. I wasn't afraid. I couldn't bring myself to go through. Just as Indigenous man took my arm to go through with me, the journey ended. I slept like a stone last night.

I am planning to come off a drug I've been on for 12 years called Geodon. It is an atypical antipsychotic in the same class as Seroquel, Zyprexa and Risperdal. Within two months of taking it, I gained 50 pounds, a common side effect. At the time it was life vs. death. I was so depressed, anxious and chemically sensitive, I was unfunctional. Geodon made it possible for me to work and stopped my tremors. I take a high dose. I have made tremendous gains in the last year in my trauma therapies. My therapist has encouraged me to explore non traditional healing arts. I get reiki and practice yoga and now work with a Shaman. My sleep has improved, my mood doesn't collapse very often. I feel hopeful that I will reclaim my soul. I want to lose this weight and get fit. If my tremors start again, I'll have to take it, but perhaps a much lower dose. I've practiced Pilates and yoga with not a drop of weight. I read forums online of people on these atypicals and how hard it is to lose weight while still taking them. I believe it saved my life. I have more tools now and I've built a successful business after my chemical injury (after which the doctors said id never work again). I've always been driven to NOT have to depend on anyone because growing up I COULDNT depend on anyone.its very hard for me to trust anyone. I attract men that are morons. Anyway, it was decided to wait til after my sons wedding. I have to fly to Jamaica for it. Jet fuel makes me really sick so I need the Geodon to help me through that.
 
Update on the dress for my sons wedding. I'll cal the bride Sally and my daughter Edna. First of all, had to scream and rage at the seamstress that ruined the dress. All she could think to say was that she expects to be paid. I said no way, I had fired her. She offended me and insulted my figure. Totally put the reason it didn't fit was my fault. What a bitch.

So went to a bridal shop and tried on a bunch of dresses and texted photos of them to Sally and Edna. They both chose the same dress. Silver lining is that Sally told Edna that she didn't like the original dress but was afraid to tell me. So at least now she is happy with the dress.
 

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