Tips On Re-personalizing And Re-realizing? Anyone?

[Hope4Now]

Whew. Tough therapy session today. Managed to stay semi-present until I fled to the bathroom afterward where I collapsed in a heap for 40 minutes. Then I got up, washed my face, and went grocery shopping. Story of my life. So when I'm collapsed on the bathroom floor, I have a vague concept of the grocery-shopping lady part. But it is like some bad drama. And it most certainly is not me.

When I'm grocery shopping. Same thing. Vague memory of the bathroom floor (which has become oh-so-familiar over the months). What? You're kidding right? What middle-aged woman would be lying curled in a ball on the floor of a bathroom for 40 minutes. Not me! You've got to be out of your mind.

I KNOW I have to link all these parts of myself to my SELF to get better. I know I have to somehow believe that they are all aspects of me, and that they are real. That they are me. Mine. Some part of me KNOWS I am one person (kind of nutty but one person). I mean, I HAVE read and responded to @shimmerz thread on Structural Dissociation. But I am finding it all so very difficult to accept as real and as my own personal experience.

Does anyone who has been through this, or who is going through this, have any magical suggestions or inspiring stories or just plain old practical tips (besides breathing and grounding) to help me with this completely surreal journey to integration?

 

[sun seeker]

What middle-aged woman would be lying curled in a ball on the floor of a bathroom for 40 minutes.

Me, me! (Waves hand wildly.) And here I thought I was the only one.

Sorry, that's probably not helpful. Rough day today. I'm supposed to be doing all kinds of things, and I just can't. I wish I did have any good tips for you. I'll be sure to let you know if I come up with any.

 

[shimmerz]

I have a vague concept

What part of the concept is 'real-er' than others?

And it most certainly is not me.

Which one is stronger? The me part or the bathroom floor part?

What were you thinking while you were on the bathroom floor? Were you able to move? Can you describe the experience?

 

[WildMermaid]

I'm giving you both :hug:s @hope for now and @sun seeker. I don't have this exactly anymore, though bathrooms still cause panic attacks and when I'm sick they encourage flashbacks. Breathing is the first step then forgiving yourself for any lapses/lost time. It won't do any good to feel bad about it. Some things are just out of our control. Fo me after things like this (mine was not in bathroom as that is a source of trauma) I would find a safe place and curl up away from everyone with a stuffed animal and give myself a mantra of... That was then this is now. I'm here right now. I'm safe here. :hug: feeling for you both. <3

 

[garden]

I wish I knew more about this. I know that I disassociate a lot, and have my whole life, but I don't always know how to snap out of it.

I sometimes do chores with no memory of having done them. I drive places and have no recollection of the drive. I just lose time sometimes. I'm at home alone, and I sit down to read, and I'm suddenly aware that 2 hours have passed, but I didn't read anything.

This happened all the time when I was a child. I'd get home after school and be alone, my mom would call me to tell me to put the rice on, I'd end up burning the rice (before rice cookers), and not even noticing it until the fire alarm goes off, then I'm frantically fanning the fire alarm and opening windows, crying and trembling because I know what's going to happen when they get home. I lived in thes altered states, all the time....

I wish I knew how to be here, present, all the time.

 

[SurvivingWarrior]

My counselor recommended smelling coffee beans, holding ice cubes OR putting some clean rocks in the freezer to hold when you start dissociating.

 

[garden]

That was then this is now. I'm here right now. I'm safe

Recently I've been doing stuff like this. This works when I can remember to do it. It's like I have to catch myself before I go too far, otherwise I just lose time. How do you forsee when it's going to happen so that you can nip it sooner, or prevent it?

 

[Seasounds]

Hope you create gentle and safe moments for you this weekend!

I, for one, know how hard it is to not get triggered, and I know the drive to get through the tough stuff, as quickly as possible. And from my recent learning in somato-emotional and mindfulness, I've let myself become aware of the slightest physical 'tightening' sensation that I have. I heed this warning, as it registers that I am threatened or stressed, earlier than my mind does. At the point of tightening, I just ask myself ot "make a change', and move toward something calming.

Taking this idea a step further, the total collapsing, (which I know too), I'm re-formulating my plan for 'collapse moments'.. As my therapist points out, it involves tightening/collapsing to the point that I release my 'functioning adult ego structure", to return to the collapsed and helpless child. With this in mind, I am working on letting myself 'feel' the collapsed feelings, while staying in the integrity of my functional adult ego structure,, while I breathe, keep my feet on the ground, and look around the room. This means that I don't regress sooo much, and it means, that when coming out of a challenging break-down like moment, I don't have so much of myself to rebuild, to do a simple task, like grocery shopping.

And it has taken awhile for me to be able to do, what I just described. Practicing with a therapist helps, an SSRI and anti-anxiety medication helps me find "the new space to make a new choice".

 

[Hope4Now]

Sorry, that's probably not helpful.

It's actually really, really helpful. Well, maybe not "helpful" but comforting.

Which one is stronger? The me part or the bathroom floor part?
What were you thinking while you were on the bathroom floor? Were you able to move? Can you describe the experience?

It depends. When I'm grocery-lady, that's what's real. When I'm crazy lady on the bathroom floor, that's whats real. No I couldn't move for a long while. I THOUGHT about moving. I knew I SHOULD move. But I couldn't move.

How do you forsee when it's going to happen so that you can nip it sooner, or prevent it?

Now there's the question. I've asked this so many times in therapy. I don't think I've ever gotten an answer. If I have, I can't remember it.

@SurvivingWarrior these strategies are great if you can be aware enough. Also snapping a rubber band on your wrist. I pinch myself sometimes. The trick is being able to learn how to be proactive.

 

[Hope4Now]

I've let myself become aware of the slightest physical 'tightening' sensation that I have. I heed this warning, as it registers that I am threatened or stressed, earlier than my mind does. At the point of tightening, I just ask myself ot "make a change', and move toward something calming.

This is so cool. I think I am supposed to be learning how to do this. I can only notice changes when I'm lying down in the quiet. Otherwise, I'm a big failure at it. 18 months of somatic-based therapy. Sigh. I used to think I was a pretty quick learner. Obviously that's just the idea stuff and not the bodily reality stuff.

 

[shimmerz]

No I couldn't move for a long while. I THOUGHT about moving. I knew I SHOULD move. But I couldn't move.

So would you call it catatonic then Hope? Tonic Immobility?

 

[Hope4Now]

@shimmerz I don't know. I know the def of this term. But me? Really? This is part of the problem I posted about. It happened one time in front of my therapist last year. Totally humiliating. Then it happened a month ago in the waiting room at my psychiatrist's office. I heard him saying my name. I couldn't move out of it. Eventually he Sid to come in when I was ready. I managed to pull myself together. I don't understand why these things happen to me fairly regularly and they don't feel like "me" whoever that is. I don't like it at all. Scares me. I feel out of control which is a huge ugly trigger for me.