Tired Of Feeling On My Own

[Bristol]

Feeling really low and lonely today. No one away from this site knows what im battling with, im trying to survive 2 therapy sessions a week, my self harm is out of control and i keep taking it out on my husband, who knows none of what is going on for me on this side of things and just thinks im angry all the time. We have our own issues going on and my reaction to it all probably seems completely out of context but i am struggling.

Im struggling to seperate my life into areas and not let everything get messy. I cant shake the feeling that my ab*ser is standing over my shoulder and having a right old laugh despite the fact he has been dead for 15 years my T is aware of this feelinf but rhere is very little she can say to convince me that he isnt. It all seems to much today, i even brought the knife i use to self harm with me to work today so thats definately a low point its becoming a security blanket that i need constantly, i know of the alternatives but i just know they wont work as well.

Im not sure why im posting just feeling really lonely and hopeless this morningc, wanted to check i wasnt the only person in the world having a bad day!

 

[FauxLiz]

@Bristol you are not the only person feeling that way today. I am really struggling with depression, S/I and self harm lately. The only things keeping my from my usual self harm is I don't want to disappoint my T because I haven't cut in almost 15 months. On the flip side I met with one of my doctors for non-PTSD related issues yesterday and left felling more dismissed, laughed at and generally written of as a malingerer, drug seeker. Or hypochondriac.

With everything going on at work right now I just feel as though all the things said about me being worthless and a failure by my family, ex husband etc is all true.

 

[Friday]

Im struggling to seperate my life into areas and not let everything get messy.

In my experience that's exactly what creates feeling on my own, even when surrounded by people who are very much part of my life (spouse, therapist, colleagues, etc.).

There seems to be this impulse with PTSD a lot of the time to keep things "separate". To not contaminate what's good with what's not, to maintain fictions, to create space, etc. But what that does? Is keep ME separate. There's no way to avoid messy. Life just doesn't work that way. The only question is which mess is in play. The real one? Or the consequences of trying to keep the real one in a box.

wanted to check i wasnt the only person in the world having a bad day!

<grin> Nope. Definitely not the only one. One of the nice things around here though, is no matter how many of us are in a dark spot? There's usually someone around who's got a flashlight. :sneaky:

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Bad days still lurk around every corner in my hood, too. I agree with what Friday mentions about trying to keep my pain/experiences somehow separate from my life as being the exact thing that took me down. Those masks get much heavier as the years go by. I'm certain that's a huge part of what led to my ultimate break down (break through, or whatever one wishes to call it) several years ago, although it didn't feel very helpful while I was living through it, that's for sure.

Trying to be the good employee, the good wife, the good step-mom, the good daughter, the good sister, the good aunt, the good volunteer, the good patient, the good student, the good community activist, etc. while steadily keeping all the unpleasant life altering things I didn't wish to remember or discuss tucked far away and hidden out of sight, no matter how badly I was constantly tripping over it all, took it's toll in many painful ways.

I was convinced if others really knew what happened to me and how I chose to handle it at times, they'd certainly look down upon me and lose all respect. I was wrong, mostly. The ones who abruptly fell away, actually needed to, be it for their own personal reasons or simply for my sanity.

Some who stayed were simply interested in knowing someone who suffered worse than they did, it seemed, based on observed behaviors and interactions. But there were a precious few who embraced me even tighter than before and made me feel genuinely heard, and I'll forever be grateful. It also opened more opportunities in to find more spaces and cross paths with others who've felt/experienced similar things, whereas diligently working hard at hiding it in hopes of protecting self and others had previously kept me far away from some amazing healing opportunities, if only via chance meetings and opportunities.

After desperately seeking help in the various professional arenas for several years, I eventually reached a point of feeling I had little choice but to finally open up and find a way (or many ways if need be) to release the energies of all that pain I'd been holding onto for so long, mostly being done in hopes of keeping everyone else around me comfortable. I had to wonder just how comfortable they actually could be in having to see me, to live with me, to work with me, and try to hang out with me in such an ongoing, albeit sporadic deep state of dysfunction and emotional turmoil. They would likely never be able or willing to tell me how they felt about it for the same reasons I didn't want to tell them uncomfortable stuff, creating more chances for ongoing vicious cycles as we all continued to play along with whichever script we chose to read from for the moment.

Dis-ease was an understatement in what was happening to me inside and out, yet I was finding little relief in all the places I was being encouraged to seek it. Rather, it was like watching an already large snowball rolling downhill, growing larger and larger, more out of control, and picking up speed the whole time. Nothing has been easy about opening up so freely, but it's freed up much needed space in my head and heart to make room for more pleasant and healing-to-me things, most days. I still have super shitty days and feel all alone at times. Reaching out remains an obstacle in itself, even when I know it's doable and will be well received. Glad you reached out. May your day and your thoughts become more kind.

 

[Tinyflame]

I actually find a distorted solace in no one knowing. Because I don't really know how to say, anyway, nor is there anyone relevant to tell. Idk I'm sorry can't find the words, it's better to learn how to say and care more for your present/ future/ safety than keep silent.

:hug: 's.

 

[Bristol]

@Friday i loved your comment about there always being someone around here with a flashlight its very true, thank you :)

@Tornadic Thoughts i am starting to reach the point that at quiet points in the dark with my husband i find myself playing with the idea of "i have something i need to share with you" one day maybe i will blurt it out. Its becoming to exhausting to keep it all seperate and there are times where i just wish it didnt feel like im fighting to stop the past completely ruining the present.

@Junebug that is how i feel, it has always felt safer to be alone in it but part of me is getting tired of taking on the monster alone

Thank you all for replying :)