Tired Of The Journey

[Iam]

I love that song ;o) You are blessed to have such a good & understanding husband!

 

[Tessa]

Shadows of the soul come creeping threatening to engulf.

 

[Iam]

and the light we try to hold onto dims.

 

[Tessa]

I am a child of the universe and I have a right to be here. I am a good compassionate caring person yet I struggle to feel safe anywhere and trust anyone. I will never feel like I belong.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Tessa,

I read your diary and you are definitely a "gift" to the universe. The compassion and care that you show to your family, patients and community are examples we should all strive to and the world would be a much better place.

I am sorry that you are struggling with the depression, but remember we are always safe in God's arms. You can always trust God, and you have a family that loves loves you and a husband you can trust.

I hope that you feel better and just remember what a special person you are. Your diary has touched my heart and I am a better person for having "met" you through this forum.

Intothelight

 

[Tessa]

Thankyou for your beautiful comments Intothelight. I have heard similar from students patients etc however I never seem to be able to please my middle managers.

My psychologist told me to stop saying "I"m not a bad person" and change it to "I am a good person"
My staff and I are going through a really bad time right now and my boss is picking on my overtime...prem labour and attempted suicide. Also they do not understand that we are working with a different culture who have already been through so much disempowerment and pain. Our way is not necessarily the only way.

 

[Tessa]

Today another young man hung himself. There was no one there to care when he needed it most. While all the politicians and organisations were having their many meetings and wasting money..he died alone,confused and despairing. I have walked in this dark place and now that I am still here I am determined to try and make the policy makers hear...when you are in the darkest depths of despair you just need someone to sit and listen and care.....

 

[intothelight]

Tessa,

You will make a wonderful advocate. Your concern for others makes the world seem better to me.

Intothelight

 

[Tessa]

I am tired today. Spent the early hours out in the bush looking for a lady who made a suicide call to me. She has been raped twice and never had the care she needs. I have made a pact with her to try and tell me before she hurts herself.

Eventually found her after she had stabbed herself 3 times with brothers insulin needle. Thank goodness she did not know how to dial the dose. I sat with her on a dirty old matress in a room with the walls covered in spit. She had a sawn off piece of a tree where a young man had hung himself beside her matress....I am glad I was able to give her a hug and sit and listen and help her settle. It would be good if I did not also have to worry about my boss beating me up about overtime trying to save someones life and actually CARE.

I am struggling to get funding for visiting psychologists.

Too tired to write anymore. Thankyou to anyone who reads this and cares...

 

[gdf]

I am glad you care Tessa. Sometimes in the depths of our wilderness it seems we scream so loud no one can hear us. Cries for help are often drown out or ignored by bureaucracy or indifference. When people make decisions from afar they often don't have any idea of the depth of the real problems. Perhaps you could get these distant decision makers to come and see how immense the needs are? Or perhaps record and send them the stories of the real people with real needs.

Gina

 

[Tessa]

Thankyou Gina. I am becoming more confident at speaking out and have joined a rural health comittee with reps from around Australia and Canberra. Last teleconference I did paint the picture of what it is like here on the ground in the dirt and dust and isolation...and I think they listened...

 

[Tessa]

Up all night on suicide watch with a patient who also told me in graphic terms how she was going to kill someone...could have even been me. She was scared of ghosts in the emergency room and I had trouble pushing from my mind the vision of the last young man who died in there.