To Date or Not

[midi]

Okay, so, uh, yeah... aside from a brief sexual fling, I haven't dated in nearly 4 years. I've been asked out here and there as the moons have come and gone... turned it all down except for that sexual encounter... so this guy I've known for quite a few years has asked me out. He'd like to take me to dinner.

I told him I don't know. It's been so long. I don't know how to go about that.

Yes, we are compatible and hold the same values and all that. Sure, there is an attraction but it's been so long. I don't know if I'm capable of it. I don't know if that part of me is dead. :eek:

Advice? Comments? Insights?

 

[fin]

midi, hey there...

I don't believe that part of you is dead. I read of you mentioning this in the dating advice thread by Pandora and you said...about bravery and being scared at first - giant acomplishments midi. And the attraction thing you mention may also be a give away.

start here:
Would you like to go for dinner with him midi?

small steps and giant accomplishments.

I can't offer any more than that I am sorry, oh and that I hope you have a lovely evening, if you go.

~fin

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear midi,

I think everything will be just fine and in some ways couldn't be better:
you say you've known him for a while/ same values/ compatable/ attracted.
Hey! That's a pretty good start!

If you want to go, don't let your fear stop you- go and have fun.
We know our struggles (unfortunately) will still be there tomorrow, but for "today", just have some fun- that's what life's about.

From what you've said, he sounds very interested in you, and maybe for that matter it's taken him this long to get the nerve up to ask you out- he's probably more nervous than you are.
:)

 

[pandora]

I logged off alitttle while ago and I have been sitting here thinking the EXACT same thing.

I went on a date about 6 weeks ago or so and just going was a huge accomplishment for me, unfortunately I still feel like I am not going to be able to function in a relationship and feel like I do not have anything to give and that it is unfair to be in a relationship when i feel so badly on the inside and when i have a bad day...it is all i can do to just take care of my son and get through the day, dealing with chronic pain as you understand...it makes me feel like i am just not good enough...and just do not have anything to give and that it is unfair to the other person. I know that people do have and function in relationships..have successful marriages etc. For me personally...I really think that being alone, although lonely at times is just the way my life is going to be. I wish i could say something more positive to you but i am feeling exactly the same way you do midi...I think you read my mind tonight. i hope others have more things that are more positive and beneficial for you in this thread...just know you are not alone and this is a very complex part of this disorder. I feel like i have attatchment disorder...it is VERY hard for me to get close to others and relationships for me in the past have been unsuccessful....not because I am hard to get along with, it just seems to never work out and for me i am afraid of having another failed relationship.
I admire the people here that have successful relationships......unfortunately this is one of the parts of this disorder that I too question, daily. I wish i had better advice and to those here making relationships work....I wish that was part of this disorder that I could find a way to beat but i have not either midi.....I hope we both can find a way to do it and have the confidence to get back out into the real world.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi pand/ midi,

That's ok too, you have to be true to you and follow what you feel. You also may feel differently later.

Just remember however that when someone (that you like) asks you out, they are doing so on the basis of how and what they know of you and seeing you- definitely (as with all of us) not all "good days"! If you can be yourself with them that's extremely important.

You don't have to worry about giving that much, just a change of scene and having (hopefully) a bit of fun, even if you're not optimisitic about it. You might be surprised! If it's the right kind of person for you and your personality it won't feel like "work". Especially if you can laugh and have a good time.

And I know- I'm the worst offender, but good not to be too "black or white" in thinking about it.
It's definitely not "strange" in any way to not feel up to it with other pressures/ physical pain. That's OK too. One day and step at a time, I think. Don't be hard on yourself.

 

[fin]

"Just remember however that when someone (that you like) asks you out, they are doing so on the basis of how and what they know of you and seeing you- definitely (as with all of us) not all "good days"! If you can be yourself with them that's extremely important"

I think I agree with Junebug here, she is spot on. I hope I can remember that should I ever be in a position like this again.


"You might be surprised! If it's the right kind of person for you and your personality it won't feel like "work". Especially if you can laugh and have a good time."


I would love to feel like this again one day Junebug.



~fin

 

[TLight]

Midi;
I just found someone a few months ago and I'm finding out he is a most delightful wonderful person to be around and extremely healing.
You deserve some happiness in your life and take it one step at a time. Just go and have fun and have no other expectations.
who knows......you might just find you love him and that he might just return that love at some point............it's a wonderful thing.

But watch out for 'our' issues.....trust, sabotage, fear..........all that can ruin a good thing...........but make sure he's a trustworthy person too...........

But my advice.........just have a nice time and stay in the moment. If he offers a safe hug, take it and relish it..........you've earned it!

 

[midi]

Bah, I'm running out of time to decide! I suppose a dinner can't hurt. It's not like I'd be signing my life away...

 

[midi]

So I said yes to dinner. Eeep.

I'm really glad I got the feedback you guys gave. It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there that has the fear of sticking the toe back in the water. It's also a relief that others shut off too!

Ah boy, it'd be nice if there were NO ptsd issues, alas, you're right, Tlight, we have to watch for them. Bugger.

Ok, Junebug, fun, I will imagine it's just fun, yes, going out for FUN. *holds breath*

I feel exactly like you do, Pandora--when I imagine that I could one day be in a relationship, I feel the possibility of companionship, yet when it's staring me in the face, I block it out.

I really hope Fin is right and I'm not dead inside.

Gawd, Junebug! I AM thinking of it in black and white -I'm either going to dinner or I'm NOT. If I DO, *gasp* the sun will not rise upon my soul again!

...

 

[Tinyflame]

heehee, -and yes midi, -order something you like, too. :smile:

I think it will be a lot different than you imagine.
.. and if it's any consolation, I've probably "imagined" the same :)

Let us know how it goes, we're pulling for you (not that you need it)
XOX

 

[Mina]

So I said yes to dinner. Eeep.

That's great - way to go, Midi! :thumbs-up

I think the fact that you and this guy have known each other for some time makes this a less volatile dating situation than it otherwise might be. It's having dinner with a friend who already exists in your world, as opposed to a total stranger. You already know you like this person well enough, you're compatible and hold the same values...that's excellent! Those things do away with a lot of the bullshit about dating. Not that it isn't still difficult to open up, but some of the more initial issues are already covered. I guess I see it as, your exposure is about as minimal as it can be.

If I DO, *gasp* the sun will not rise upon my soul again!

:rofl: I hope this guy appreciates your sense of humor - I know I do!

Let us know how it goes!!

 

[patrick]

Yeah, have a great time, and do let us know how it goes. I love these kinds of stories.

Pat