To Date or Not

[pandora]

I hope things went well on your date..midi...just wanted to check!

 

[midi]

The date is going to be in a few days--near the end of this upcoming week. We did, however, go out for tea at a local cafe. I was nervous at first--but it went ok. We're in the same community circle and have a lot in common-it's surprising. He's not scared off by my intensity either. He also already knew that I had PTSD and had first hand experience interacting with me when I came off the rez, so...

 

[midi]

Ok, my T asked how I plan to deal with the whole going out on a date thing. I said what? She said, how have I prepared, beyond being nervous or deciding to bail at the last minute (ha ha). Um...

Any suggestions?

 

[patrick]

Just keep the sense of humor you demonstrated in that post. If you can do that, all will be well, I think. You are really a hoot. Can't imagine how things couldn't go well.

Pat

 

[Nicolette]

While I can't comment on the PTSD side of this, I will say that I think the best thing to plan to do on a date is just be yourself.

 

[midi]

Ok, so... went on the date. The community we hang in is pretty small, so I ran into people I knew everywhere we went and even on the bus home! We talked a lot and stuff and kissed a bit. It was fun. Found out he'd also worked in the skin industry (both of us were servers, not strippers (oddly enough, given my past)), which amazed me, because a lot of guys I run across are usually self-righteous customers, not workers--so we shared funny stories about the clientele.

I've known this guy for years and he has sincere compassion for others and he's been through quite a number of things. He's just as adventurous as I am. When it comes to the earth, we're like 2 peas in a pod. He does not, though, have any interest in world cultures or academics.

In my mind, I compared him to Dr. Ex a few times, but Dr. Ex fit like a glove mentally. Mental illness, drugs, booze... destroyed that relationship.

I think it is like Seeking Nirvana mentioned in another thread, the hardest part is allowing the self to feel any emotion for somebody who's interested. All my friends except one knows the guy and he has the same belief system, but once bitten twice shy.

I got off the bus and started walking towards my building. I thought, nobody can replace Dr. Ex., but that doesn't mean I have to die inside. Let go of control and let the raft take me wherever, I guess.

 

[pandora]

Awesome Midi..take it one day at a time, I am sure you are going to have a great time. I wish you a bunch of luck, love and understanding and that you can both learn and grow from each other.... and let your relationship grow SLOWLY....hahahah. I am proud of you! It will feel nice to not be alone all or most of the time..right.. ( I know I am not ready as I just answered my question in my own mind and I am still happier to be alone....maybe that thought will change when life settles down after the move)

Take Care

 

[midi]

Pandora,

Thanks for the well wishes, eh! Yeah, we have to figure out what we are happiest at.

I've slept on it and I've decided not to get into a relationship at this point.

I'm not ready. While he has established his own business and what not, I am like a new born - just now accepting that I may be a half-decent artist. When we talked about the arts, I felt passionate. When he pushed for kissing, I felt obligated. He had no awareness of my body's responses at all--he just pushed.

I brought a camera, but took no pictures. I take pics all the time--when I don't, it doesn't mean much to me.

From the point that he talked about dating, he had this elaborate plan of how the relationship would work out--before I even said yes to a date. I felt like I was just an anonymous woman to be thrown into his staged play.

We have so much in common, the same type of background, etc... that I was using it to gloss over things that bothered me, like he was with his chick for 5 years, yet 3 years ago he dated another chick I know--but it wasn't ok for his chick to have an affair.

He doesn't take nutrition or his physical health seriously - and I work hard to maintain it on a daily basis. I don't want to get into a relationship and change the partner--I want to be in a relationship with a guy who is in shape and already has awareness of what he eats. I can't sweep incompatibility under the carpet.

Some of my jokes went over badly because he didn't pick up on them. He doesn't get my humor.

Last night taught me a lot about myself. I am a baby learning to walk and when I'm established, then there will be room for a relationship. I'm too busy playing with my building blocks!

He's a nice guy, but I'm just not that into him.

 

[patrick]

It is good to know yourself well enough to have a realization like that. And a sign of strength to recognize it and let yourself stay single instead of settling for what is available while thinking there may not be another chance. I wish it had worked out better for you - I love the passion of a new romance - but I am impressed with your maturity and strength of character.

Pat

 

[midi]

Pat,

Thanks for the support. Wow, I didn't see it as strength! Yeah, I really feel confident about my decision! Trying to promote commonalities was a denial of how I felt.

I also learned that just because somebody else has 'been there and back' does not mean they believe in facing those demons. It completely destroys this stereotype I'd been hanging onto--that people simply need to experience hardships in order to gain awareness. People choose whether or not they want that awareness and they have the right to say no.

He even tried to convince me that PTSD is not mental illness (which really scared me), and that there is nothing wrong with me mentally. It echoed of Dr. Ex's assertion that we 'weren't alcoholics' and that we 'didn't have a drug problem' etc...

He admittedly stated he has never worked on any of his issues, nor will he. That approach does not work for me and I can't go back to burying things to make somebody else feel secure. I might as well go back to being with Dr. Ex. Hopefully this guy finds what he is looking for.

Even though they come from different worlds, this guy and Dr. Ex are more compatible with each other (not me) simply by way of how they approach life.

 

[midi]

Ah, I just received validation for the decision to say no to taking it any further. I told him straight up that I wasn't ready for a relationship and that I wanted to focus on pulling myself out of the arts gutter.

He took that to mean that we can be friends with benefits (nudge nudge wink wink) and hey, when can we get together again???

*sigh*

and NO, I did NOT do anything with him other than kissing (not even Frenching)...

 

[Mina]

...but I am impressed with your maturity and strength of character.

Wow. Me too!!! Your perspective on this and your reading of the situation is really insightful. I think it shows a lot of respect for yourself to have evaluated it the way you did, and to conclude, "Nah, this isn't gonna work for me."

Well done! :thumbs-up

(btw, the "playing with building blocks" comment made me giggle...you really do deserve someone who appreciates your sense of humor!)