To Exist Or Not To Exist

[Mockingbird]

I've been through so much my entire life and struggled with mental illness since I can remember. I was adopted from Korea and have no family history, I've gone through seeing my dad put a gun to my mom's head, raped by a neighbor, molested as a child, self mutilating since 4th grade, raped in high school, kicked out at 16.

I'm now about to be 29, with nothing. I got ged, worked a few jobs to get by, and then found someone to help me. We got married and on our honey moon beat the living hell out of me. I spent the next 3+ years goog through abuse, and watching my kids turn away from me.

One night, he beat me so bad... I left. I had to. Without the kids, I left. Since then, I've tried working... I cant. I have a friend taking care of me, but I don't want to go on living life like this. I've been a waste of space since I was born. There's billions of people in the world. One more missing isn't going to change anything. It won't change the world, only the grief and despair I live daily.

I've tried suicide before, I know it takes a lot. I'm willing to do it, just don't know when. There's going to be some planning I'll have to do, but I think it's a great one.

 

[ladee]

Are you asking for help or threatening suicide ? I don't mean that to sound so harsh... but you are wrong about not being here making no difference... you wouldn't know what you could have done, if you would give yourself a chance... and by that I mean many chances. I know how you feel and have felt the exact same way... no one would miss me... I take up space and air....and pretty much all the things you said...
The weird part tho... is these thoughts pass... and things do look a little better some days... and we do find hope, and we do feel supported... and we do find good things about our self thru others eyes... but we have to be here for those things to happen... please don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle happens... sending you support..

 

[shimmerz]

I have felt this way before. Strongly. It passes for me. I know how difficult not being independent can be, trust me. This society doesn't like that much. I hope that things settle down for you. You have had a really rough go of it.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I am sorry you feel this way right now, I have often felt the same. That I'm somehow taking up space, food and oxygen, and that I don't deserve to be. It's wasted on me, life. That's how it feels sometimes. But I keep finding things to keep going for. Even if it's just something simple like painting or offering support on here. I hope this feeling passes for you, that you find or make reasons to keep going. Because sometimes, it's really worth it.

 

[Snowflake]

@Mockingbird -I have felt the very same feelings as you - you can read my post @The Right Time. (Not even a week ago). Try taking it hour by hour to get yourself through this horrible part. I break down my day that way-it helps. I honestly have no other words of support because I do understand-and its during these moments not many things help. But I do hear you-

 

[mamachick]

I can only say what others have already said. I understand, have been where you are at right now, and had the same thoughts. Don't give up. You have not even been given a chance at life. Others have let you down so badly it is no wonder that you feel this way, but you are still young and there is more than you have found. It is AMAZING that for just one thing to change, it can turn everything around. I keep telling myself that as it has happened before in my life.

Only ONE thing has to change, and it does not have to be a huge thing. You got your GED. It could be you finding school/training that you love, it could be a job where you fit in. It could be anything that would bring hope for other things to change as well.

I was an illigitmate child, born as a tool, disliked by sisters, teachers, other kids. I shuffled around til I got pregnant and married at 17, quit school and took GED too. Much more happened by then. In marraige, got beat, raped, and put down by husband daily. Finally got away from him with 6 yr old daughter. Was in poverty. Remarried, time to heal, had other children and got to be a stable mom, had serious medical problems stemming from abuse, but life became good, got to find myself, went back to school, kept going, got masters, had friends, etc. Loved the work I did. It is contagious it seems…...….Had a fall and injuries, bad stuff started happening and hasnt stopped yet, and I notice the bad more than any good, I must find the bad people too. But I do know that it just takes one thing to change, it may be a move for me. There is something that you are meant to do. Dont give up before the miracle.

 

[Friday]

One of the ways I know my head is completely f*cked up is when I think suicide is an outstanding idea. It's not. Learning to do the things that are actually good ideas, and ignoring what I think is a better idea? Isn't easy. But it's necessary.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

There's billions of people in the world. One more missing isn't going to change anything. It won't change the world, only the grief and despair I live daily.

Ive thought this (and still do at times) for many MANY years. Someone changed that one night. I was there to stop some one else's suicide plan. If I had previously successful on my suicide plan, he would be dead as well.

Ive also had many that had said to me "you have changed my life" and even "i didnt think of it like that". That are numberous even little things that you can do that are big things for others.

You dont give up on you! You are worth that fight! And it does get better with some positive steps foward.

Do you have a therapist? If not, please get one if you can or some form of couneling as you need someone to hear you!

If it helps, I hear you and know what it feels like to be on that edge! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 35353]

I've been through so much my entire life and struggled with mental illness since I can remember. I...

Hey there. I can relate to a certain degree with your issues iwas raped at 12 molested by preyty much all my moms bfs. Even my dad did it one....hang in there
...love cynthia