Relationship To Set Boundaries Or To Just Move On...

[GoatBoston]

Thanks everyone for reading and hopefully taking the time to offer your thoughts and ideas.

I have a man in my life who I've know for many many years...about a year ago we began dating and had an amazing first six months. I knew he had been in Iraq, and he had told me he has PTSD, but it seemed like he was managing it. He also has a son and has custody 50% of the time, so it made traditional dating hard. As we got closer, somewhere around the 6 month mark we had "the talk" and he and I decided to take things to the next level and I met his son, and we had a wonderful time together...and then he became cold, distant and within a couple of weeks was avoiding me. I called him out on it and he broke up with me saying he couldn't give me what I wanted, he was too busy as a father, and eventually said that seeing me with his son was too overwhelming and he couldn't handle it. It was really shocking because prior to that he had been incredibly thoughtful and reliable...and for him to make a 180 so quickly was stunning. I was hurt and felt betrayed.

Somewhere in August I decided to take the risk to send him a message just saying "I miss you"...and he responded with the same....we began texting again, but it was different. He would wait a long time to reply, or not reply at all...we made plans to see each other and he backed out...so, I told him that this was upsetting and that I wanted him in my life in a serious way and if he could do that then we can try again, but otherwise I need to move on...he stated he was sorry but couldn't be that man for me....

Since then we've conversed a few times...he reached out on my birthday....I sent him regards when his son started school....and then on Monday he reached out to me again because he was having a hard time with the anniversary of his best friend's death....even though he was having a hard time it was like the old him for a day...he was sweet, responsive, funny, kind, the man I loved....but then the very next day he went back to being avoidant.

I was feeling pretty confused and hurt myself. I personally want to be in a healthy, loving and reciprocal relationship, and it would ideally be with him...I thought that's what we were doing until out of no where things devolved rapidly. So, I decided that I would be very clear and send him a message saying to not be in touch with me anyone more unless he wanted to talk about rebuilding a relationship....9 hours later he finally sent me a very long message saying how sorry he was, and that he will respect my wishes, but he thought that it was okay to reach out to me because he trusts me and he was having a really hard time and I am the person he wanted there...so, I just picked up the phone and called him.

We talked for over an hour. He told me how it hurt him that I would say not to be in touch with me anymore...He told me more about the PTSD, how it makes him shut down...he told me the things that he did in Iraq that trouble him to this day...how it affects his relationships...how it affects his parenting...that he's started therapy to work on this but he feels like he has a lot more to go...and much more....He told me he loves me, and that I am the person he trusts most in the world...he did not say he could offer me a relationship, but did say he wants us to talk more about how we're feeling and that he wants to work to rebuild the trust that was broken.

The next day I felt like he must have been feeling so exposed...so I reached out to him to say that I loved him and that I felt honored he could trust me with all the things he shared and that it doesn't change my love for him....he replied, but he was distant...the next day I asked to see him and he wouldn't really answer until I asked him to call me, which he did.

He said he'd see me the end of next week and that he'll wait speak to me again until next week as well....I told him that this bothers me to tell me he won't speak to me for a week, that I want to be in eachother's lives and that I don't feel like I am in his life, that I want a real and a healthy relationship. He made comments about how I'm moving from 0 to 60, and that it's too intense for him, that we're re-establishing things and I need to slow down, and so forth...I didn't agree with him, because in my opinion rebuilding trust requires consistent effort and action.

I understand he has PTSD; I understand it causes him to isolate and; I understand that he shuts down....but....I want someone who will earn my trust back after they break it....who will be willing to let me into their life...I want a healthy relationship...and this hot and cold business is not working for me. I want a real relationship, not this level of infrequency. I want a real life with someone. He's made it clear in his words and his actions that he's not going to give that to me right now.

So, I guess I'm struggling with maintaining my boundary. My boundary is simple: either give me a healthy relationship where we communicate regularly and openly, spend time together and are in eachother's lives, and investing in a future together....give me a real relationship or let's end this and move forward....

But then I fear I could be closing a door on a man I love who could one day do those things...though there is no guarantee he will.

Any help is appreciated.

Thank you.

 

[Friday]

Move on.

He wants to be friends.
You want a full on romantic relationship or nothing.

Those 2 things are mutually exclusive.

 

[Justmehere]

Boundaries put in place to change someone else usually fail. Those are actually ultimatums.

Boundaries put in place to accept other people as they demonstrate themselves to be and to say yes and no to what we will allow and not allow into our lives - to change ourselves - these boundaries usually work better.

You wrote about him breaking your trust by isolating and expressed that you want him to earn your trust back.

You are not doing something horribly wrong, I think this has set you both up for failure. You are expecting him to do something he has shown he can't do, and no amount of "boundaries" or ultimatums are likely to change that. It's like asking someone exhausted from chemist to climb a mountain. They may want it badly, and try really hard for it, but trusting them to climb the mountain when they show they are struggling to walk around the block is discouraging for both.

You are trusting him to be there for you without ever isolating and then he isolates, and then you want him to earn the broken trust back.

I think this is a time to step back, and crept him as he is and to trust or accept that he will likely continue to be as he is now for some period of time. Perhaps this will change after a long awhile but don't stay based on the hope he will change.

Express what you need, in a way where you are very clear about what you need, and accept what he says he can or can't do, and what he demonstrates with actions about what he can or can't do - accept that as what he really can or can't do it and you can't ultimatum him into it.

Then choose if it's enough for you. If it's not enough, that's ok. It is healthy to gently and clearly cut ties and move on.

 

[Justmehere]

Sorry for my bazillion typos. I meant to use the analogy of someone going through chemo who can't climb a mountain, only walk around the block, says they can't climb mountains, and someone else who keeps expecting/trusting them to climb mountains... they inevitably fail, collapse on the trail, and then the other person wants them to earn trust back that they will climb that mountain. It's well meaning and totally understandable, but sets both sides up for a lot of disappointment.

You want something that is very ok to want, and boundaries are really important in a healthy relationship. It's also important to accept him for what he's able to do instead of staying in this based on a hope for change. Decide if what he's said and done is enough for you, as he is, and set your boundaries accordingly.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My boundary is simple: either give me a healthy relationship where we communicate regularly and openly, spend time together and are in eachother's lives, and investing in a future together....give me a real relationship o

Boundaries are about you and your limits... for example, instead of saying to him "you give me a normal relationship or I'm leaving" it's saying to yourself "if he cannot give me the relationship I need, I will leave."

You can only control yourself and your actions, however you can and should communicate your boundaries. It's up to others to decide if they will respect them or not.

As far as he goes...

He's always going to have PTSD.

This isn't going to be a "normal" relationship.

If your idea of a healthy relationship includes constant communication, total disclosure, regular intimacy, even temper, and lots of affection, you may be very disappointed with a PTSD relationship. He may not be capable of these things.

Is is possible to have a healthy PTSD relationship? Yes it is, but they're hard and they take a lot of work. Your needs may not always be met if your partner is symptomatic. You have to be ok with that, or this isn't the man for you.

 

[NaeNae75]

I agree with the sentiments above. You will get a "glimmer " here and there, but he cannot magically be who you want him to be.

He may love you and care about you, but that isn't going to make his PTSD go away. He isn't "acting" this way or playing hard to get.

If you want something "normal" you may need to pull off the band aid and find it somewhere else.

This doesn't make either of you bad or wrong....just two people with different needs.

Just like you can't make him do things he can't, he also can't expect you to be okay with waiting around endlessly. But this will be the case for you two, likely, for a long time.

I'm right in the middle of my 6th year of it. We have gone from living together and cancelled wedding plans in the past. I can't ask for more than he can give. All I can do is decide what I can live with.

We are "older" and already have our kids, so my "clock" doesnt matter to me. Because of this, I have the luxury of a lot of time to be patient on my hands.

You have to decide if you really want normal, or you want to work for a relationship with him, and chance that may not ever be possible.

Remember, the first 6 months you had was a honeymoon period you will never get back. I don't want to scare you, but I want to be realistic too.

Either way, I hope you find happiness.

 

[Casey_03]

He's made it clear in his words and his actions that he's not going to give that to me right now.

So, I guess I'm struggling with maintaining my boundary.

These things are really key here, I think. He's blatantly said he's not ready and you seem to be having trouble believing that. I think it was selfish of him to pull you back in and keep contacting you when you told him to put up or shut up .... but ultimately it sounds like you are the one who keeps violating your own boundary here. If you tell someone you want a relationship or else, you really have to be ready to stick to that. And you aren't.

eventually said that seeing me with his son was too overwhelming and he couldn't handle it.

This part right here makes me think it's not just the PTSD talking when he pulls away, that he's 100% serious when he says he's not ready for a relationship. If seeing you with his son was overwhelming for him, he's not ready and needs to focus on his son. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, but he's made his priorities clear and you need to respect that. Don't torture yourself by continuing to contact him. You'll get false hope every time he responds kindly and set yourself up for disaster.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My boundary is simple: either give me a healthy relationship where we communicate regularly and openly, spend time together and are in eachother's lives, and investing in a future together....give me a real relationship or let's end this and move forward.

Thats not a boundry, that's an ultimatium. Im with the other posters on this, move on. You want healthy and bringing PTSD into a relationship isnt healthy, not at first. And the push/pull is normal in a PTSD relationship, he cant give what you are asking so he keeps you at a distant since he knows he cant give what you want. He likely doesnt want to hurt you anymore and may even blame himself. I know I would.

If you want to know how to handle PTSD more healthy inside of a relationship then id read up on it. Here is a great book: Dead Link Removed

But if you stay with this relationship, understand that he cant give you what you are asking and stop asking it. Learn what he can do closest to what you want and ask for that.

If not then move on.

 

[GoatBoston]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. We are supposed to get together this Thursday night for dinner to talk in person and he had said last week that he'd wait to be in touch with me until then...but now he's reaching out and trying to warm me over...but over the weekend I did a lot of thinKing, and really took in people's feedback....but I'm not sure how to implement this boundary with him, which is basically that I can only offer a meaningful relationship and anything less than that simoly doesn't work for me. He's a good person but I'm not sure if he's capable or wanting of that...and firmly cutting him out feels mean to me. But honestly, I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm annoyed and I'm exasperated. I can't keep doing this...it's not healthy for me and I don't want it to cause me to resent him....but I don't get why he'd keep reaching out after he's made it clear he's not up for a meaningful relationship (for whatever his reasons are). I was blunt with him last week and clearly said "We are not friends", which he was upset with but I maintained that with him...he knows I am not offering a friendship, and that I'm pretty annoyed at this point. Ugh....

Thankso for the feedback everyone....I will keep an eye on the thread to hear from you all.